Is sex worth waiting for? Why should couples wait till marriage to have sex?
A few weeks ago, I had a strange dream.
It was one of those things that can only happen in la-la land; a boy (who I had a secret crush on as a teenager) showed up and tried to woo me from my husband.
I was pretty silly in the dream because I tried to “weigh my options”; stay married versus take off with boyfie?
Suffice it to say, I woke up horrified.
To dream such a dream..well, that was new. And totally weird. I was in turmoil (seriously I was) until God showed me what to do with the absurdity. Write this post.
Many single women are ditching their standards to hook up and keep a guy while married women are struggling to keep a flawed past out of their marriage; I want to encourage you if you fall in either category.
While I was gagging at the emotions and confusion of the dream, it dawned on me that my brain could only manufacture feelings that once existed. It could not manufacture and recreate memories that never existed.
In other words, had I gone further as a teenager, maybe become physically involved with that boy or another guy, those experiences would have supplied torrid material to the dream.
Once awake, I would have had to work through the mess and baggage to kick out those old memories and ties.
I hear from wives who are seeking to wipe old memories from their marriage.
They love their husbands, they love being married and would not trade their relationship for anything. But they have a sexual past.
And even though it is all in the past, all forgiven and gone, the memories still wander into their marriage. And these memories, which surge in uninvited, have made marriage more work.
God sets us free but we still have to go in and take up that victory for ourselves (Acts 12:9a.) Sometimes not just once, but several times.
How much easier would marriage be if we did things right from the start? No memories, no soul ties or comparison, no past to wrestle with? (And I am only addressing instances where personal choice was involved)
For me, that dream was like a revelation as to what God wants for all women and men.
You see once married; it is not like temptation naturally slides out of your life. It’s not like you will never see other guys who are cuter than your husband or more kind or wealthier. Temptation doesn’t stop because you got a ring.
If you gave yourself prematurely in this intimate part of your life, it is not like those triggers disappear, and you develop amnesia about the past. No, you still remember.
The memories will be dormant but only because you renew your mind and refuse to play with the triggers (scrolling his Facebook page, remaining friends, entertaining comparison e.t.c)
This is what I am saying; everyone has to tend to their marriage, everyone has challenges.
However, the degree of difficulty is often tied to the amount of baggage we brought in.
I was glad – like face-on-the-floor-gulping-thankful – that I did not bring sexual baggage of that nature into marriage. Not because I was flawless, but because God was merciful.
When that silly dream popped into my marriage, it could only go as far as the distance I had traveled as a teenager (a secret crush on boy from a very long distance)
To my single friend, you might be reading this and you feel like “the purity movement” died with your grandmother.
Waiting till marriage to have sex feels antiquated and retrogressive. A lot of your friends are having sex, or massively compromising their godly standards, and there have been no lightning strikes from heaven.
If anything, they are happy and blooming. In fact, some of them are getting married!
Well, let me tell you that you are reading this post for a reason. Just because someone jumped off a cliff does not mean you should follow suit.
You don’t follow other people’s mistakes because it looks like they are getting away with it (they are not getting away with it.)
Blind-follow is immaturity. We follow God, not man. We regard His conviction, not what is popular or widely accepted.
And here I am (and all married women in this community) assuring you that what you put up with before marriage – shortcuts, unholiness, disobedience e.t.c – will be hard to get rid off in marriage.
If you don’t want to reap those things, this is the time to get rid of them! God’s word never goes out of style. If He says “wait,” there’s a reason for it.
You may not understand how this narrow path of purity plays into your future.
You don’t know how turning down the coffee date from the dapper guy next door who doesn’t know Jesus means for your future. You might not understand how boundaries and high standards will pay off in the future.
So let me encourage you from the other side and as someone who hears from wives all the time; trust God’s plan for your life. Don’t listen to your emotions, your ungodly friends, your hormones. Listen to God.
It might look like no guy will give you a second glimpse unless you compromise a little. Or the guy you’re seeing has promised to marry you, and you feel like there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with him because he’s going to be your husband anyway.
Or you feel the conviction, but it is too much of a decision to make right now; you only want your relationship to work and can deal with all that “other stuff” in marriage (“other stuff” being winning the hubs to Jesus)
Well, sis, that is the worst idea for evangelism. God never told us to marry non-believers to win them to the Kingdom. He didn’t say “compromise a little to get married.”
God did say “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me.” John 12:32
When you allow God to shine in your life, when you pursue Him fully; that draws people to Christ. Not your compromise, not your shortcut, not your “trying to help God.”
It is allowing Jesus to shine. It is daily obedience, daily pursuit, daily holiness. When He is lifted up in your life, He will draw nonbelievers (and compromising believers) to Himself.
If there’s anything I want you to take away from this post it is this; trust God’s plan. You don’t have to compromise to get a man.
If you compromise to get a man, you have to continue compromising to keep him. You are setting yourself up for a very hard time in marriage.
If you are married and struggling with messy intrusions from the past, God wants to help you.
In fact, He already did when He died on the Cross and rose on the third day.
The Bible says the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead now resides in you – Romans 8:11. There’s resurrection power (bringing life to the dead areas of your life) available to you, today.
You are in a covenant relationship with your husband; the enemy simply has no right to be messing around with you. Mark 10:9 says “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
You can rebuke the devil out of your life. If he’s a constant influence, it means you are giving him room.
Christ came that we might have LIFE and life more abundant. “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery” Galatians 5:1
I encourage you to memorize (or write down in a card and carry it around) some of these scriptures, including 2 Timothy 1:7, John 8: 36 keep referring to them. Renew your mind with the Word.
The Bible says “the word of God is ALIVE and ACTIVE ” Hebrews 4:12 . As you meditate on the Word, it goes to work on your behalf.
And that is my lesson from my teenage crush. Is there a particular lesson God has taught you from your past? How has God redeemed you? Let us chat in the Comments section on the blog.
If you are engaged to be married (or newly married) and long to understand and enjoy how God wired you for sexual intimacy in marriage, please check out my book “The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. It’s a handbook for engaged women and guide for newlywed wives who desire deeper intimacy with their husbands and confidence in the bedroom. Buy the book from Kindle I Paperback I Nook I PDF I PDF UK & Europe. Or Click here to go to book page.
Linking with Messy Marriage