On our wedding day, a guest stood up to share words of wisdom and present some gifts.
A few minutes into his speech, I took a step forward.
“Where are you going?” my husband asked with a smile.
“To receive the gifts” I answered mid-stride.
“Let’s wait.” He tagged on my hand gently. “He hasn’t called us forward yet.”
The guests did not see the twitch on my face.
Or the heart dropping to my chest. But my husband may have noticed the flick of chin and the stiffened back.
I was floored that he didn’t see the obvious (obvious in my world, of course) and completely shocked he had issued a veto on my will.
Years later, I’d look back at that small encounter and recognize it as my first opportunity to talk and partner with my husband.
It was also the first (and not last) time I’d “agree” on the outside while throwing up a storm on the inside.
What Submission is Not
A lot has been said when it comes to allowing our husbands to take the lead.
I have written a few posts on submission and you can check them out
What does submission in marriage really mean?
4 ways to rethink submission in marriage
When you want to submit but your husband doesn’t lead
That said, some of my biggest lessons have been on what submission is not.
So let’s look on 6 things submission in marriage is not
1. Submission in marriage is not gritting your teeth and “making yourself” follow
While I love being in charge, I also know what God says about the role of a husband in marriage; he is accountable at the end of the day (what we call leadership.)
So the easiest compromise (since I wanted to be a “good wife”) was to make myself submit on the outside. While world war III raged on the inside.
But God began to show me that submission was a heart issue
It’s doesn’t begin with the “right” actions or the “right” words; He is after the condition of my heart. Being the right way is more important than doing or saying the right thing.
Obviously, all three are important but right actions and words proceed out of a healthy heart.
Any time we wrestle with godly commands, our next step should not be to whip out human willpower or fake obedience. We need to know we can talk to God about our struggles. And He will help us.
Feeling overwhelmed by it all? Tired of hearing “all the things a wife must do” to make marriage work? Want to discover the secrets to fun happy marriage where both spouses carry their weight..and then some? My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years takes you through the top hot spots of new marriage – including submission and leadership! – and shows you how to thrive. Get on the road to a great marriage or improve the one you have! -> Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble 
2. It might not feel like a natural fit
I believe God wires us up for our destinies – He gives a passion and disposition to match our role and calling in life.
When it came to submission, I expected a complete personality make over. I thought He’d change me from a strong, argumentative and willful person to a sweet, nice and mild woman.
After a looong wait, I came to realize God was not planning to give me a personality transplant. Instead, He had a heart transformation lined up.
Sometimes we wait for obedience to feel natural, to slide into our lives like a hand into a glove. But our flesh is in rebellion towards the things of God. We have wounds and baggage.
Partnership does not happen automatically.
Wives who want to submit eventually accept that submission is not an automatic switch; it’s something you learn intentionally. You might not change in a day, but you grow every day.
3. Submission isn’t about value
Sometimes we think “whoever leads the pack owns the pack”. Personally, I thought being a partner (not the head) meant I was deficient, weak and helpless (gasp).
It took a while to understand that the roles of love and submission as described in Ephesians 5: 21 – 33.) They have nothing to do with the value of the person but are about function.
Like any institution, God assigned different roles and responsibilities to the man and woman in order to successfully carry out His mission on earth. His assignment is not indicative of value.
Man and woman are valued, accepted and loved equally. Just assigned differently.
4. It doesn’t mean earning
Submission in marriage has always been about trusting God first.
It goes without saying that wives are not to “submit” to sin or abuse or addictions. The essence of submission is devotion to God first; if God doesn’t like what is happening, you shouldn’t either.
(Seek the counsel of other wiser Biblicaly-sound believers if you need wisdom or discernment. If you are in danger, contact authority or find a place of safety and work on your marriage from there)
But for the wives in generally healthy marriages (not perfect), we are not to wait until our husbands are worthy to submit to; if we do, we will never get around to submitting.
Because husbands are normal human beings who make mistakes, fail and generally do things that scream “Not worthy of trust!” The same way we wives do things that scream “Not worthy of love!”
5. It is not playing doormat
Submission doesn’t mean a lack of intelligence or will. As a newlywed wed, I swung from one extreme to another – from heel-clicking defiance to wimpy false meekness.
But submission doesn’t mean a wife shies away from her responsibility as a helper.
Strong marriages are made of two spouses who pull together in the same direction. A wife’s thoughts, opinions and contributions are powerful and needed in her marriage.
A wife who doesn’t contribute to the partnership is robbing her marriage because it’s not partnership if one person is missing.
Case in point, my wedding day.
Instead of clamming up and fuming, I could have explained to my husband why a few steps forward were a good idea; I felt it was a gesture of respect for the older gentleman. Plus it saved us time when it was finally time to accept the gift!
But I didn’t talk and I never got to hear his reason for staying put either. And so we robbed ourselves of our first “hard” but hopefully fruitful conversation as a newlywed married couple.
6. Submission won’t always be demanded of me
I grew up with a tough dad but I married a sweet easy man.
Because of my upbringing, when something is not spelled out in black and white, I tend to excuse myself out of that responsibility.
But most healthy husbands don’t walk around waving “I am the head honcho” placard, demanding acquiesce.
My husband doesn’t make it his business to tell me “how to follow him.” Yet I expect that gritty leadership-style (that would drive me up the wall, anyway.)
I have come to understand that a wife who expects her husband to spell it out for her, to keep her heart in order on her behalf, will never get to submitting.
This is important for wives with gentler husbands to understand; just because you can get away with something doesn’t mean it’s right or it won’t injure their marriage dynamic.
Also check out the follow up posts: The husband’s mandate to lead and What to do when one spouse won’t do their part
~
I invite you to take a deep dive and learn about how to create a marriage that is not based on roles and responsibilities (however important they are) but on mutual love and submission to one another. Yes, we are called to submit to one another! Still the best marriage starts with “me” and Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years shows you how to be well so your marriage can be well! Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble
What a fantastic view on submission. Came across your article because I was researching to write my own article on the same topic.
You explain it really well and it’s such a refresher for me. Not many women are bold enough to agree that submission is part of the marriage. I love what you say about asking God to help you and not submitting through gritted teeth. There are some things I question and I think I try to be like Sarah in the bible and have a ‘quiet’ spirit but…it doesn’t work!
Love also what you say about that submission is a matter of function and not hierarchy.
Brilliant.
I love the way you’ve explained submission, Ngina. I think #4 is really important. I’ve heard so many women say they can’t trust their husbands or imply that if they submit then God will honor their submission by making their husband’s trustworthy – that would be wonderful but there’s that darned old problem of free will – and neither husbands or wives are always trustworthy! I agree with you – the key is to trust God first, not our husband’s first. Because God IS trustworthy, and He can bring good out of all things. For me, submission starts with God – being willing to accept whatever He allows – and when I do that, it’s easy to submit to my husband.
Thanks for adding such rich perspectives Barb. I enjoy reading and learning the different angles and deeper insights. I agree with you about our will..we can never find security in any other place other than in God! Whether things are working as they ought to or not, our hope is God. That’s just how we ought to be. Thanks so much for reading and sharing
Well laid out article Ngina, plan to share this one too.
Thank you Betty.
Excellent article, Ngina! Submission is not something that comes easily or naturally. I grew up in a home where I didn’t see a lot of submission or respect or strong leadership for that matter going on. My parents ending up divorcing. So when I got married, I really had no idea what submission meant.
Over time, the concept of submission became clearer to me. It didn’t mean that God valued me less as a woman by asking me to do this. It didn’t mean that my husband could lord over me in a cruel, abusive, demanding way (which he didn’t – he has been so patient, forgiving, and loving). It meant that I willingly choose to follow my husband’s leadership, guidance, and wisdom because I love and trust him to be doing the right thing and to make godly decisions. I love what you said about “I don’t have to submit to my husband first.” In our marriage, Adam makes it very clear to me that if I feel he’s doing something wrong (against the Bible, that is) or I notice a negative pattern that he wants me to confront him lovingly. I try to do this respectfully, making sure it’s the right time, that my heart is in the right place, and dealing with my own sin issues first before confronting him. I try to watch my tone of voice and my body language, and make sure he knows that I love him both physically and emotionally. It’s not always easy. In fact, you’re absolutely right. It’s not always natural. But with God’s help, it is a beautiful thing.
See God didn’t mean that a woman was less in any way by submitting to her husband. Submitting is hard work. Submitting shows unconditional love and respect. And when my husband loves me as Christ loved the Church (sacrificially), then it makes submitting so much easier and joyful. When I submit to him as Christ calls me to, my husband only wants to love me more. It’s a beautiful Biblical cycle.
So many important truths in your comment Hannah. As always I am blessed by your thoughts and journey. I love that your husband is open and vulnerable. That is such a blessing, to be that secure and submitted to one another.
Thank you so much for adding these rich thoughts to the conversation. May God bless you and may you continue to grow and thrive in your wonderful relationship.
Excellent piece! I was in a book club at church last week, A Year Of Biblical Womanhood was being discussed. The ladies were all bashing submission. I alone spoke up in it’s defense. I have been with my man for 25 years. I had to LEARN to be submissive in our marriage. I was the boss (I thought) and it was wrong. He never asks for submission, and only but God’s grace of teaching me is our marriage as strong as it is. “I” am the one who benefited the most. A surprise? Letting go of some control brought the feeling of security I had always wanted. Yes be respected, but give them something to respect. Don’t demand it
Christa, it’s amazing the number of women that struggle with submission in marriage, even in the church. It’s not easy road for sure. Cos women come in with all sorts of baggage and wounds. Still submission is in the bible. God heals and restores. But we have to come to Him and believe it’s possible.
Am so glad you were able to take a stand. It’s not a popular stand but it’s the truth. No one can argue with personal testimony! You are a great testimony of how God changes marriages and lives. Thank you so much for sharing. I love this “Letting go of some control brought the feeling of security”
I love this – submission actually is an “opposite day” thing where when we do submit through God, we become more not less and even more liberated. Every one of your list – is so true!
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2012/08/14/the-mother-in-law-chronicles-under-the-canopy-and-into-the-community/
“we become more not less and even more liberated”. Amen! that’s a great truth. thanks so adding to the conversation
LOVE #4…so often, we’re so afraid to trust out husbands, when God calls us to trust Him first!! Thanks for sharing this! Glad you posted on Messy Marriages! I’m stopping by from Intentionally Yours.
Am so glad the thoughts resonate Sherry. As wives, It’s important to understand where our security comes from. Thanks so much for stopping by, I appreciate you!
You’re right Ngina, submission is hard. It’s hard for husbands too. For me it was difficult to assume my responsibilities after we got married because I was afraid I would make a mistake and harm my beautiful wife in some way. It’s also difficult to get used to working with your spouse as a team. When we are single there is no need for discussion, unity, or teamwork but once you’re married that’s what it’s all about. Now, instead of doing things on my own I need to make decisions with my wife. She’s my equal partner after all and the decisions that I make directly and often immediately impact her. I’ve grown to appreciate and depend on her counsel and advice. I would be lost without her. Thanks for a great post!
Tyson, thank you so much for sharing a man’s side of things! It looks a whole lot different when we look at it from our husband’s perspective. You’ve shared such important points, so often wives can’t see the vulnerability our husbands have to work through. thanks for being open and educating us on this : ) Blessings to you.
This was an excellent. You are right submission is a heart issue. When we look at submission we have to look at it in the eyes of God. We miss interpret submission when we look it against the worlds definition. I have a lot to say about submission, but I will leave for another day. Maybe one day soon, I can send you a guest blog on an article I wrote called ‘Teamwork makes the marriage work. Thanks again for the inspiration and insight.
That’s right Bernard, it really only comes together when we look at it through the eyes of God, otherwise we completely miss it.
I would love love to read your thoughts on it. You have rich thoughts and great wisdom. Please feel free to send it my way. Will be looking forward to it.
Such a great topic here when you speak about submission and as men we have to be submissive to God and our wives. Let me explain, God says that man is the head of the household and not in a dictating way, but a direct connecting to him for our families. However, when we discuss our families life and path, sometimes us as men need to listen to our wives as they are an extension of our body. I have learned to Lead my family and open myself up to be vulnerable at the same time.
I like that thought about being husbands being connectors, that’s so very true. They are priests of the home. Taking the mantle of leadership and at the same time staying vulnerable and connected is not an easy balance to come into, am glad you are blazing that path! Thanks so much for sharing and adding that rich perspective
Thanks Kendra! That’s an awesome post, love it.
And submission doesn’t mean you should be walked over. It is a yielding and in every aspect and relationship in life someone must yield. It doesn’t make you lesser than. If a Ferrari and Yugo meet at an intersection, the Ferrari doesn’t become less valuable because it chooses to yield and allow the Yugo to go forward. One must yield or both will crash.
I love that example Fawn. That’s true, submission is about the yielding of the will. a wife isn’t less and her thoughts and opinions are powerful and needed in her marriage. Thanks so much for adding to the conversation
Very great thoughts Ngina, you really did your homework. Putting Him first is always the way to go!
Thanks Kimanzi – Reminds me of what you say about personal stories – life lessons tend to stick : )
And it’s about Him, when He’s first, the rest of life eventually lines up. Thanks so much for reading and sharing the post
Great post, Ngina. Sensitive issue for sure. You hit the nail on the head: it’s really about our hearts and it’s about understanding our roles. Submission is something all of us are called to do. It’s a heart issue. It’s a way of blessing the other, learning to be a servant. Great job covering this difficult subject.
Dave you said it well. Verse 21 in Ephesians starts with “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ’. It’s something we do for each other. When our hearts are in order, it’s easier to carry out our roles instead of when we do them out of “blind obedience”. Thanks so much for reading and sharing the post
I think you’ve done an amazing job here, Ngina. You’ve done your homework and really given us some very compelling and true guidelines. I especially like, “I realized God wasn’t going to give me a personality transplant … He had a heart transplant lined up.” Yes, that’s so very true of me! He’s still working on that “heart transplant” but I’m making progress–submitting to His ways and will. Thanks for always being such a rich place of wisdom, my friend!
Thanks for that encouragement Beth, it’s been a journey and God is still working in me. The transformation sure doesn’t happen overnight. But it sure makes our heart glad when we look at where we used to be and where we are now. God is soo good. thanks so much for coming by.
Well said Ngina. As written in the Bible, we should be submissive and love our husband the way we are called by God. I agree that we are equal in our Creator’s eyes but assigned differently. 🙂 Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
Am glad you share similar thoughts Mai. That revelation of differently assigned but equally valued set me free! thanks so much reading and sharing
Great post Ngina…I think you wrote it about me 🙂 Pretty sure you described me and my marriage perfectly!
Learning to submit hasn’t been natural or easy, but as I learn to submit to God, submitting to my husband has become more “natural”. There are times I can see how much I’ve grown into a Godly wife. Times I can see how I used to react and am amazed that I handled a situations so differently.
I can’t take the credit..it’s God in me. He loves us enough to change us and not just our situations or spouses!
Lol, I sure am not alone TC! : ) The miracles that God makes out of our lives! I also look back and can’t believe how far I’ve come. Still got ways to go but am not where I used to be!
Thanks so much for sharing
You have described me here very well — you and I are cut from the same cloth, I believe. A willful, argumentative, strong woman is a wonderful help-meet if she gets her act together. I am still learning after years of letting myself be in charge.
As far as the road going both ways, with the husband loving the wife as Christ loved the church — someone has to start. Someone has to be the first to take a wayward marriage and start the motor to turn it around. If one rudder isn’t working, the other has to do everything it can to guide the boat.
But, once one spouse starts, the other — if he or she isn’t consumed to a great degree by Satan — will turn around.
It happened here, for me. Otherwise, I would still be waiting for the Christlike love toward the church and still sinking into my own mire of self-pity mixed with self-righteousness.
Christ, in caring for the church, has also had to require that she straighten up and fly right! 🙂
what great thoughts and insights Amy.
I love this “A willful, argumentative, strong woman is a wonderful help-meet if she gets her act together.” it’s so very true!
I love your thoughts on how one spouse needs to step up and change the tone and direction of marriage. That’s so true because while submission and love is a cycle – it’s easy to love a submitted wife/easy to submit to a loving husband – if that cycle isn’t there, somebody has to start it.
Things always turn around when we invite God in! Thanks so much for sharing you heart and testimony.
It’s an easier pill to swallow when you know your husband has you and your protection as his first priority. I also think it goes both ways, when a spouse is about the other’s protection first and not their pride, we find true love… Good one, Ngina. You always make me think…
You’ve put it well Floyd. When we stay in the business of pleasing and loving each other, walls come down and we find true love. Thanks so much for sharing
Yes, wife’s should submit to their husbands but husbands must treat their wife’s like God treats the church. I think it goes both ways.
That’s true, a husband needs to love his wife as Christ loved the church. It’s a chain i believe – it’s easy to submit to a loving husband, it’s easy to love a submitted wife.
I love this post! A while back I actually wrote something very similar. Along the lines that It takes a strong woman to submit, because we have to fight our true nature.
I’m stopping by from the Happy Wives club.
Thank you so much for coming by! I would love to read your post! I don’t know if you mind sharing the link?
I so agree, submission goes against our flesh, it takes God and intentional effort. It might get easier over time, but it’s still a God-sustained intentional habit.
Sure thing!
Here it is; http://aproverbs31wife.com/takes-a-strong-woman/