What are some of the characteristics of loving leadership in marriage?
Last week, we looked at submission in marriage, specifically what it’s not. In case you missed the post, please read it here.
Today I want look at the husband’s responsibility because the question that comes up after talking about submission is “so who is teaching the husband how to lead?“
The thing about love and submission as written in Ephesians is that they are meant to go together. Husband and wife “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21) and then wife submits to her husband and husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church.
The wife will find it easier to submit when she feels loved and cherished and the husband will find it easier to shower love when he’s feeling respected and supported.
Now, caveat; the Bible doesn’t tell us to only love when we feel loved or submit when we feel like our husbands deserve it. Like we said last week, these roles are not earned.
Obviously, we must exercise good judgement (Read this post When Your Husband Behaves Like a Child). But a lot of times, have to choose the right thing even when we feel like we are getting a good deal or not.
Understanding Leadership in Marriage
In understanding submission, I’ve found it important to understand how loving leadership in marriage looks like, as well as the kind of challenges a man has to overcome in order to lead his home.
Here they are, 8 characteristics of loving leadership in marriage.
1. A husband has to value responsibility, not power
Someone aptly said that God did not remove a woman from a man’s feet so that he could walk all over her but from his side so that he can protect her.
Headship in marriage has got everything to do with responsibility, not power. A man who understands this responsibility nurtures, protects and seeks the good of those under his wing.
Husbands who belittle, demean, and ‘lord it over” their wives in the name of “headship” have mistaken responsibility for power and are not walking in truth.
2. He loves his wife – sacrificially and tenderly
While a loving husband values his wife as an equal, he also recognizes that his bride is more than a partner.
She is a treasure; different and feminine. Christ loved the church that He died for her and husbands are instructed to love their brides in the same manner.
Someone might look at the church today and think “it’s a mess; it’s not worth dying for.”
From the outside it might look like a mess but the mess was worth dying for, in God’s books. So He sent His Son to die and now according to 2 Corinthians 5:17 “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
This is the type of love a husband has been charged to show his wife; to see beyond the “mess” and do the loving thing. This love will mean fighting to overcome barriers to love; like ego, preferences, hobbies, opinions etc.
3. He stays intentionally invested in his marriage
When my husband and I were courting, he was on top of his wooing game. Most men usually are. And then we got married and he’s had to learn how to pursue a woman he already has.
The man that seeks to lovingly lead his marriage and home has to make intentional effort to stay in “pursuit and woo mode” in marriage.
Because it is a difficult thing, to pursue what he already has. Yet as he applies himself, he learns of the reward of pursuing the woman of his dreams. Because seasons change and the shifts reveal a different aspect of the woman he married.
He also learns that it’s the small, seemingly-unimportant things that matter to his wife.
Like asking about her day (and listening as she talks about it), preferring her above something he likes, helping her, arranging for a date, generally finding out what makes her tick. And then giving it to her.
4. He’s willing to learn leadership
Leadership and steering a home is something most men learn. Crazy as it might sound, it’s not all hardwired.
We wives tend to forget that the same way we learn to die to self and graciously submit to our husbands is the same way our husbands have to learn to die to fears, anxieties and lovingly pick up the leadership mantle.
It’s a skill, habit and grace that’s learned and refined over time; God has given men the capacity to lead and live out their roles but they have to dig in, step out in faith and embrace it.
5. He sacrifices
As the head of the marriage and home, husbands carry a huge bulls eye on their back.
Through a culture and society gone awry to worldly wisdom to our fallen nature, the enemy of our soul is ferocious and relentless in his attacks on men.
Men who desire to lovingly lead the home accept the responsibility to fight these outside influences in order to win the battle for their marriage and home.
They fight to stay biblical, committed, involved.
Wives who understand this warfare will stay longer on their knees praying, than they will on their feet trying to argue their case and change their men.
6. He desires to win the battle of his soul
Husbands who desire to offer loving leadership in marriage understand that they cannot take their relationship where they’ve never been.
To lead and love well, they must be well first. So they dig deep into their relationship with God.
They wrestle, seek answers and peace for the soul questions – who am I, am I enough, do I have what it takes, what’s next.
They learn to recognize these battles and go to the Source that can supply the answers: their heavenly Father.
7. He knows loving leadership doesn’t have to be perfect
No one leads perfectly. No one follows perfectly.
Learning the way of marriage – the loving and submission dynamic – is a process, not an event.
A man invested in the success of his marriage will not give up, even when his efforts appear unrewarded. Even when he falls, he picks himself up and plods on, acknowledging that his wife did not call him to leadership, God did.
He presses through even when the journey is painstakingly slow, difficult and imperfect.
8. He tries to understand he’s not the answer
Many wives come into marriage with scars, bumps, wounds, nicks – the result of living life in a fallen world.
A loving husband supports and encourages healing and growth but also acknowledges that he’s not her answer.
Not every wife will have obvious scars of course but wherever he finds himself, a loving husband knows he cannot fix his bride.
Especially because many times all she might be wanting is a listening ear, not a solution.
Questions – What does loving leadership look like to you? What challenges does your husband have to overcome to be the leader God called him to be?
Also check out the follow up posts Submission and Leadership: when one spouse won’t do their part and 21 Best Pieces of Advice For The Newlywed Husband
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If your husband struggles to lead or you struggle to submit, make sure to pick up my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years. In the book, we learn how to thrive in our roles. Plus more! If you are tired of fussing and distance in marriage, if you want to restore joy, healing and happiness to your marriage or perhaps you just want to break out of an average and mediocre marriage, my book can set you on that road. Buy it here Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF
I think you hit the nail on the head with #1. It’s about responsibility and care. To be honest, it’s actually a significant burden to be responsible for a household. It can get exhausting at times! So it’s really about serving and not ordering around.
I hear you Loren, it’s something we wives forget at times, that leading a home is a heavy responsibility. Taking the serving approach is a great way to approach it
Faith, thank you so much for sharing your journey! Your testimony is proof that when we fight for our marriages, we eventually reap great fruit, the very desire of our hearts. Love and respect is a great book.
thank you so much for coming by and sharing.
This is a great post! My husband and I struggled with all these things in the first few years of our marriage. But we continued to fight for our marriage and have been greatly blessed through it. We’re still learning and growing but have come a long way and continue to move forward. We’re closer now than when we were first married. We read Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and loved it! It made so much sense and described our relationship to a T. Once we starting applying what we learned (which didn’t happen overnight) we started to see real improvement. 🙂 Thanks for sharing! So many people have a very distorted very of marital submission. My in-laws divorced over it and it’s still a hot topic on that side of the family. Visiting from http://www.artistic31mama.com and Fellowship Fridays and following! 🙂
Great points. Loving leadership is about serving and adding value to those around us, both people in our personal life and professional one. I think knowing that can sometimes be easier said than done though, especially when it comes to a marriage. If we are not careful we can take for granted our spouse and the people on our team. Great thoughts!
I agree with you Dan! Knowing these things and doing them are two different things : ) I believe it takes a genuine desire to learn and change, intentional effort and God’s enabling!
I believe God’s love requirement is for a husband or wife should love and respect the other as Christ expects us to do. Submission is not something that is one-sided. If the wife works outside the home, household tasks should be shared. If the husband is the sole support, then it is up to the wife to provide the element of support from the home atmosphere that will allow rest for the husband in order to carry the load. Asking about the day is good for both parties to learn what the other has done. It is an act of sharing.that brings unity in a marriage.
Southernlady,
Thank you for sharing – Ephesians talks about mutual submission. (I shared about teamwork in this post https://intentionaltoday.com/of-love-submission-and-teamwork/)
I believe too that it’s important to flow with the dynamics of the home. I think the key is first establishing the foundation – understanding our roles as husband and wife. Whatever we do does not change what we’ve been mandated. eg a husband change diapers and cook but he’s still the leader of the home and worthy of that respect. A wife might be bringing home the bacon for a season but it doesn’t release her from her responsibility to submit. The foundation and basics remain unchanging. Thanks so much for adding this perspective.
Loving Leadership is a Huge topic for me. I had to learn to Lead and love over a period of time in our marriage as it did not come overnight. The reason was because I was under the submission of God first, and then I let it slip away. During those dark days, I lost that Loving Leadership until God found me again, and I connected with him and now I am able to once again Lead my family first as a God fearing man, then as the man my wife needs. Its my duty to show my daughter what a real man is, and how he should treat a woman.
Thank you for sharing your journey Lincoln. One thing that stands out: it’s impossible to lead (as Christ led) without being under God’s leadership.
I really like this “I am able to once again Lead my family first as a God fearing man, then as the man my wife needs.” . Great word.
Ngina, do you think I should look for ‘submission’ as a quality for a potential wife? Not to say that a highly submissive person is better, but scripturally,doesn’t it support that wives should submit to the husband? (of course, I’m not talk about situations where the husband makes unreasonable demands)
Hi Paul, I hope you got to read last weeks post “Submission in marriage: what it’s not” where I shared my struggles with submission. Here’s the link. https://intentionaltoday.com/submission-in-marriage-what-its-not/
To answer your question & to be direct, yes, you want to marry a woman that can (and wants to) submit in marriage: ).
However, there are details to that statement. For example, the bible commands WIVES to submit to THEIR husbands. It does not command women to submit to men. So submission in marriage is a different context all together. It might be difficult to tell if a woman is submissive before marriage or not because they are not wives yet, the context is different. The woman also might have a head knowledge, but has not walked out the real thing in marriage
However, there are things that you as a man can be on the look out for, to act as pointers, as far as submission is concerned. For example, does she have authority (especially spiritual) over her life right now, is she submitted? What does she think about submission in marriage? do her actions, words, habits, back that belief? Does she allow you to lead the relationship right now, is she respectful to you? Of course no one is perfect. But these things can begin to reveal to you where she really stands.
Let me know if i have answered your question 🙂 feel free to ask for more clarification!
Love this: Someone aptly said that God did not remove a woman from a man’s feet so
that he could walk all over her but from his side so that he can protect
her.
Many women and men have it stuck in their heads that men are the leaders of the home and that equates to power.
While the Bible does indicate that the man is the leader of the home, what the Bible also says is that women are to respect their husbands and husbands are to love their wife as Christ loves the church.
Love your wife as Christ loves the church. That is huge. That is not about power. That is everything you described here!
Love this post and thank you so much for linking it up to my weekly mommy solution party.
Crystal & Co,
Yes, its’ much easier to love or lead when everyone is doing their part! (Sometimes we have those situations where one spouse isn’t doing their part, the other spouse has to do their part still. It’s not how God intended it though. am writing a post on it now)
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Your passion for the sanctity of marriage resonates through your words. Loved point 8. Tries to understand he’s not the answer. Personally, more times than not, I want my husband to listen, just simply listen. Answers are not always required but a listening ear is greatly appreciated! Wonderful post Ngina!
Thank you Kim, am so glad the point resonates. That listening ear makes all the
difference sometimes, doesn’t it! It makes the difference for me too. Thanks so much
for reading and sharing
This is a great post and I think God has this message on His mind for us at the moment because I have seen a number of posts this week on this theme. I wrote about it myself on Monday at Essential Thing Devotions. It’s countercultural but God’s design.
We need to pray for our husbands as they manage their role of leadership and support and honour them wherever we can.
Linked here from Time-Warp Wife. Blessings.
Mel, that’s so true. I have come across other posts on the same in the last few days. God is indeed speaking, it’s a needed message.
I hope you don’t mind me linking back to your post here, in case someone wants to read it (I highly recommend it!) http://essentialthingdevotions.com/2013/05/13/a-good-wife/ . it’s a great post.
Thanks so much for dropping in from Time-Warp Wife.
Love this!: “But the mandate of the husband is not always spelled out as often, or as loudly.” That’s so true and so many miss that.
yes, sometimes it’s not a popular gospel : ) but it’s still needed. thanks for reading and sharing!
This is such a great post that I’m going to go and link to the Choose To Trust facebook page. For men, properly loving his wife is directly related to his sense of masculinity. http://choosetotrust.com/2012/07/justifying-a-diminished-masculinity/
Thanks for sharing with your readers Scott, I appreciate. Your post is interesting and educative, it’s really amazing reading up what men have to say about “diminished” roles. i like your ending, that “Men are fully responsible for their choice to not develop their voice in the relationship and abandon their role”. Quite true. And relationships are a two way street, as you’ve mentioned. Thanks so much for sharing
I love #8, Ngina – I think that’s even more important for women. The more we get our emotional needs met in God, the less we’ll feel like our husbands have to be a certain way so we can be happy. THis frees us up to love and enjoy them right where they’re at.
That’s true Barb, it’s so important to understand that too as women! while men try to provide answers, women tend to have their hopes pegged in the wrong place. Without that understanding we can’t fully enjoy our here and now. Thank you for that thought.
Lots of great info here. I like that you mention right up front that you can love the other even if they aren’t doing their part. When I first got married an older couple in our church told us that marriage is about carrying the others loads. Things won’t always be 50/50, sometimes he will have to carry more and other times I would…it’s about being strong for the other when they need it. We all can get overwhelmed at times, good marriages help carry the other when needed. I hope I’m wording this right, it seems that couple said this in alot fewer words!
Lol! Your message is very clear TC, i think more words give clarity! I love the heart of that couple. Am hoping to do another post next monday on what/how to be when one spouse isn’t doing their part. it’s difficult and challenging to love or submit when the other person isn’t doing their part but it’s possible! God wants us to do our part and stay in obedience no matter what. Thanks so much for sharing
Look forward to your post- sounds like a good one!
The impression I always get from your referenced passage in Ephesians is that it is the husband’s duty/responsibility/role to serve and love his wife just as Christ served and loved the church. He gave all.
It’s a lofty standard, and one that is intimidating to me. It’s not always easy to stop, slow down, and maintain this eternal mindset. We’re on a journey to the same place – and we need to have that path clearly laid out in front of all of our family.
We also need to remember that our children see a reflection of the father through our relationship with our wives. What are we teaching them about him when we interact?
These are great thoughts David. Your last statement reminds me of this popular saying that says one of the best ways a father can love his children is to love their mother.
One thought i edited out due to word count was that the kind of love Christ modeled for husbands is impossible to give by oneself. Loving one’s wife as Christ loved the church needs Christ’s enabling. You allude to this in your sharing as you mention how lofty and intimidating it can be. That kind of love boggles my mind as woman! Husbands like you, who faithfully walk that road, even when it’s not easy are a great blessing to their wives and generation.
Ngina, excellent words of wisdom. I believe women will be submissive as men submit to Christ. Most men wants a woman to submit, but without him totally submitting to Christ. To become an excellent leader a man must submit to leadership. When a man totally submits to Christ, his life falls in proper alignment. He will make it his number one priority to lead like Christ and when the woman sees this she will become more inclined to submit to his leadership. An unsubmitted man will always struggle with his leadership potential. Men must realize we hold the greater responsibility of submission. Our biggest challenge is to stay constantly under the submission of Christ and not let our selfishness and ego get in the way. When we submit to God’s plan for marriage, we then can really become one flesh. I will stop right there.
This would make a very good blog post Bernard! : ) I love all the points. This one stands out “An unsubmitted man will always struggle with his leadership potential” Not many men realize that. it’s so true that some will expect 101% submission from their spouse and not be willing to take the same road themselves. you’ve raised great points in this comment. Thanks so much for sharing powerfully
I think you hit on it when you described the scars that women carry into the relationship, men have theirs as well and have just been programmed to ignore or hide them. It is the attitude of men when they have “the buck stops here” mentality when it comes to protecting and providing that need to be sought out. It’s not always obvious, but it’s always there and men don’t go around telling everyone “that’s how I’m wired today!” Good thoughts… I never visit here and leave not pondering… Thanks, Ngina.
You offer great thoughts to ponder on, Floyd. That’s a great point, that men too come into marriage with their own baggage. but they deal with it so differently. But once healed, the same tenacity will transform a relationship and home. Thanks for adding that.
I think so many women will GLADLY submit to a man who is leading this way.
I agree Maggie! It’s easier to submit to a husband who is lovingly leading (or love a wife who graciously submits). it’s still possible to do our part when one spouse isn’t doing theirs..but its easier when both people are. thanks so much for sharing
We got into such an interesting conversation at a Sunday dinner table once. The topic went along the lines of how it seemed like the woman almost seemed more fitted in the area to lead than the man, and wondering why God had ordained to be that way.
(I do not think women should lead, in case you were wondering) It was so interesting to hear how most men would RATHER another to lead. While us women struggle with allowing him to lead.
Anyway, I really liked your thoughts here, such good points. I’m stopping by from Marriage Monday
That sure is interesting conversation! : ) We women are really intuitive in how we do things and it might seem like we have a better feel. And with leadership not being an easy thing for the men..well. Still it’s a blessing when husband and wife understand their roles and work to live them out. Thanks so much for stopping by from HWC!
You always share so much wisdom here, Ngina. You’ve made many great points and I especially like #4. I think I forget this one–that it’s just as hard for my husband to lead as it is for me to submit. I also LOVED your words, “Wives who understand this warfare will stay longer on their knees
praying, than they will on their feet trying to change their men.” That’s something I’m trying to do, not just on my own, but with a group of women praying for our marriages daily and meeting monthly to pray together.
I don’t know that I could add to your very complete list, but I think the challenge for my husband has is “submitting” the changes he wants “me” to make to the Lord. I suppose that’s when leading and submission go hand in Hand. 🙂
I am with you Beth, I sometimes forget that myself. i have to remind myself that leadership is learned, that he has to figure things out too. It’s not automatic or easy.
That’s a wonderful step and blessing, to get together with other sisters in prayer. I know that prayer changes things, in fact there’s no greater power to effect change in life and marriage than prayer. Thanks so much for coming by and sharing.