This is a guest post by Bernard Haynes. More about Bernard at the end of this post.
“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” Amos 3:3
Are you married, but sometimes it feels you and your spouse are on different teams?
Does your marriage resemble a team in chaos?
Does it seems that you are spending more time fighting against one another than standing together?
Sacrificing personal glory
One of my pleasures in life is watching team sports.
It is nothing like seeing a group of individuals come together with all of their differences and nuances to work together in accomplishing a common goal.
I get an extra adrenaline rush too, witnessing individuals sacrifice their own personal glory for the sake of the team.
After getting pumped up about a sports team achieving great things from working together, I thought about how greater our marriages would be if we worked as a unified team.
The marriage team
What if we decide to put our selfish desires aside for our spouse?
What if we truly do what the Bible says and work together to become one flesh? I believe that we will represent to the world a unified team that is built to win.
As I think back, one of the major reasons that our marriage encountered so many setbacks was due to our failure to work as a team.
I had to have it my way. She had to have things her way.
So we ended up butting heads and creating a really dysfunctional team. We spent most of our time battling one another instead of working together.
We discovered quickly that a disjointed marriage cannot function the way God designed it to function.
Unified Marriage
It is impossible to become a unified team when you have two different visions. This is called division. (You can click to tweet that.)
When you have division the vision for your marriage will die. My wife and I have overcome some intense challenges.
We are working through some as I write this, but we understand that the only way our marriage will become all God designed for it to be is to work together.
Challenges will come that will attack your marriage at every angle, but you must be determined to stay in the fight.
In our quest for a unified team we have realized seven key strategies that will fortify and elevate your marriage team.
Keys that will fortify and elevate your marriage team
1. Make God’s vision for marriage the focal point.
2. Sacrifice individual accomplishment for team victory.
3. Understand your role and responsibilities in marriage.
4. Set specific goals to achieve together.
5. Know the strengths / weaknesses of your spouse.
6. Invest in your spouse.
7. Put your marriage vision into action.
Question: How has working as a team impacted your marriage? We’d love to hear your thoughts in Comments below.
About Author: Bernard Haynes writes on vision and leadership empowerment at Lead to Impact. You can also purchase his new book Vision Impact! by clicking here. You can also connect with him on Twitter and Facebook.
PLEASE pray for my marriage! Going on 10 years and I have always believed in the Lord as our center and that teamwork makes the marriage work. He was a naby man and believes his family has ALWAYS had his back. Cutting the cord from his mom was something he still to this day doesn’t understand. Now I know WHY being equally yoked is SO IMPORTANT. I haven’t given up because I KNOW in my heart Good is working on him. But not having a teammate is really breaking me down! 😰😰😰 God help me! 🙌🙌🙌
Navy*
I am so sorry Evamarie. Definitely hard when you are not on the same page about this crucial part of marriage. Hope you have a supportive community around you (pastoral, fellowship from a church small group, talking to a trusted mentor, or counseling)
I couldn’t be the mama I am without his help. When he is tired I step up and vice versa. It makes us rely on each other and makes us stronger as individuals and as a couple. Blessed to have him and he lets me know daily how blessed he feels to have me and that’s pretty awesome! 🙂
Without the kind of cooperation you’re writing about what is the marriage made of? You’re right, if you’re not united then you’re divided. To have a mission that you work on together is such a great way to keep yourself reminded of the bigger picture. Thank you for the reminder 🙂
Thanks Rhiannon. That is the reason we posted our marriage vision for it to be a constant reminder of the bigger picture God has for our marriage.
My husband and I work together all the time. We are missionaries and we are with each other a lot more often than many couple. Working together and sacrificing for the great mission and the betterment of the team is often hard, especially when situations get particularly stressful. Thankfully, we have really learned to work as a team and we LOVE working together! We have the best job in the world, and though it is hard, I wouldn’t trade working with the best man I know!
http://www.chrisandkrista.org
Krista, you are right it takes work to build a solid marriage team. When we are willing to stand strong we can overcome the enemy’s attacks against our marriages.
Great Post Bernard. Teamwork continues to make the dream work in our marriage. Like you explained in team sports sometimes we disagree but we have one common goal and that is to serve God and each other with the utmost respect and when that is in place and both people see that vision its a beautiful thing. Was it always like this for us? No.. But we have learned over the years that we love each other more than anything after God. Can’t tell you how much of a blessing it is to be madly in love with your spouse. Well, I’m quite sure you know.
Thanks for the comment Lincoln. When you are locked in on your common goal to serve God by becoming one-flesh, your vision does become a beautiful thing. Keep becoming one-flesh.
This is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, Bernard. And I really like the way you explain how to get to that “unified” relationship. It really does boil down to dying to ourselves–but easier said than done sometimes! ha! But it’s what I long for. Someday maybe I’ll learn how to fully cooperate with God in all the difficult moments and the outflow will be unity with my spouse. Thanks so much for sharing and thank to you, Ngina for being a great friend and source of marital wisdom here at your place!
Beth, it is easier said than done. It takes consistency and commitment to die to self. It is a daily journey. But, you can do all things through Christ who will strengthen you. We mess things up when we try to do it without Him.
The first few years of my marriage were rocky…mainly because we each had our own “ideas” and lives. It was hard to merge the two…hard because we were trying to do in our own power.
On our 3rd anniversary we sat down, prayed, looked up scripture then wrote a family covenant. We printed it, signed it and have it sitting in a prominent place in our living room as a daily reminder that we are joined together by God and held together by HIS power.
TC that is great. That is what I am talking about. Continue to live your marriage vision.
I am so fortunate that my husband and I are TIA (teamwork in action :)). It’s such a blessing to have spent the past 10 years building a life with my lifelong partner and such an encouragement knowing we will continue to build as a team til’ the very end.
That is wonderful. I pray your marriage team will continue to thrive and touch other couples who need to see strong and solid marriage team.
Wow – there is so much to say about self-sacrifice in marriage. It requires significant sacrifice from husbands and wives. Really appreciate point #1 as it feels like that helps set in place the tone and function in marriage.
When we made God the focal point of our vision for marriage things begin to work better. We still encounter some challenges, but we handle them better because we place them in God’s hand and not try to handle them our way.
i think the same way David, i feel it helps everything else line up, builds on the right foundation.
Just in the past few days we have exercised seeing each others vision. We bought a used shelves to make into a sort of pantry for our kitchen. I totally could see it working but it required my husband to do the work. After relaying my vision to him he set out to make it work. Several times I went out to see if he needed help. I could tell I was only breaking his concentration so I left and waiting for him to ask for help. He created my vision…and I love it and told him so several times.
We have been a team for 49 years, many of those with both of us trying to be the team leader. It was only after we became Christians we both started trying to let someone else lead our marriage. It’s only when we try to take over leadership that we struggle now. Submission to the Lord is easier then submission to each other but gives power to submit to each other. Forgiveness for failing each other at times has been our biggest help. Great post brother.
I love this Betty “Submission to the Lord is easier then submission to each other but gives power to submit to each other”. it’s so true. We find it easier to submit to a divine God than another human being (whose weakness and failures we are familiar with).
I love how the kitchen shelves was a great lesson in working on a common vision. Thanks so much for sharing that.
Thanks, Ngina for allowing me to guest post your blog. I really appreciate the opportunity to share with your readers some of my insights on how teamwork makes the marriage. I enjoyed the conversations with everyone that commented. I hope to guest post again.
Thanks Bernard, it’s awesome to host you and share your insights and wisdom with everyone. Would love to have you guest post again.
Good list of things to focus on in marriage. Marriage definitely takes team work in order to survive. As long as your a team and acting as “one flesh” then it is much harder to tear you apart.
You are correct. Operating as ‘one flesh’ helps us stand against the schemes and tricks of the enemy against our marriage.
Great post. A couple of things have helped me and my wife significantly. I let go of having to prove that I’m right, those kind of people are hard to be around, much less be married to. The other action I’ve taken is to include my wife in the bigger business issues, not the stressful parts, but the parts that will effect our lives and destination in the future. Even though I’m the guy who wants to be the one to take the last shot with the game on the line, nobody likes a ball hog… and they rarely win… Marriage the way God intended it is about winning.
Floyd thanks for the comments. Proving I am right was a problem earlier in our marriage and every now and then it likes to show its ugly head. I loved what you said about taking the last shot. I want you to know I am going to use that. I will give you credit.
Nice post Bernard. Could you share some examples of how one can invest in his/her spouse? I must presume its about right investment,not just investment, isnt it?
Thanks, Paul. Some of the right investments you can make are: know one another’s love language, listen with your undivided attention, work on a vision plan together, pray and study God’s Word together, spend time doing what your spouse enjoys, laugh and play together, set 3-5 goals that you work on together, do something together that you have never done before, set aside a specific time each day that you talk and share, encourage one another daily, share your life and don’t keep secrets. Paul, I believe these are a few right investments. We have made many in our marriage and we still are incorporating more. These and others have kept us together for 17 years.
Paul, you are right in pointing out that it’s the right kind of investment that truly matters. I think sometimes we can try to give what we think is right, yet the best thing is to actually find out what makes our spouse and marriage “tick’ and then give that. I love what Bernard has shared…great pointers and insights.
Great post Bernard! I have learned a new extreme to teamwork within a marriage when my son was born. Teamwork on both of our parts has allowed us to bear the responsibilities and tasks of parenting. We support and help each other take care of my son so one person does not feel overwhelmed or frustrated with the weight of taking care of a child.
Thanks, Dan. We experienced the same thing when my youngest son was born. He was born 3 months premature, my wife needed major surgery, I lost my job two weeks after the baby came home, cars broke down, father suddenly passed away and a host of other things happened. We really pulled together during that time and we grew together than the previous 9 years. You and your continue to work together and God will grow your marriage even more.
“It is impossible to become a unified team when you have two different visions. This is called division.” This is interesting! I’d never thought of it that way before. But it’s true – most of our struggles come when we have different visions. We’ve learned to agree to disagree when we need to and to be content when we don’t get everything we want. We are very different people with very different visions, but God has used those differences to shape and mold us. For that, we’re grateful.
Good insight, Barb. God has a unique way of bringing two people together that have different backgrounds, purposes and dreams to make a marriage team. When we do things His way, we can bring our differences to the table and work through them to build a solid and successful team. It takes commitment, consistency and work to make this happen.
Barb I was also struck by that statement. I had not looked at division like that before. I agree with you and what Bernard says – these same differences can work together for good and be used to strengthen the marriage bond once we surrender them to God and look at things the way He sees them.