From Ngina: This is a guest post by Lawrence Namale, a life coach and speaker. I invited Lawrence share a follow-up post on a recent article on Purity. Lawrence likes to tell at as it is, enjoy the read! More about Lawrence at the end of the post.
I read a story some years back about a certain man who had a heart for lepers. He loved them so much that he went to live amongst them, ministering to them as their pastor.
That was way before the advancement we’ve seen today in medicine.
One day, as he was pouring hot tea from his kettle, a drop fell on his foot…and he felt nothing!
He had contracted the dreaded disease.
Later on as he went about serving at the pulpit, he started his address thus; “Fellow Lepers…”
Not one leper noticed what had taken place until much later!
What we can learn
First, nothing messes up a courtship like impurity.
Like leprosy, impurity is a silent disease that eats up the psyche of those involved.
Most Christian couples who nurture impurity are literally rotting at their core and they know it.
Now they can either seek immediate respite, according to scripture, or they can silence the voice of conviction and conscience.
Silencing the voice of conscience does not mean that the leprosy (impurity) is dead…it’s still alive, just not acknowledged. (Tweet please)
Second, the subtlety of the erosion of purity…the lowering of standards not just from generation to the next, but from one action to the next makes it deadly.
An example; family TV.
A generation ago, I could not watch some commercials on TV with my dad and mum. They were too suggestive and full of sexual innuendo.
But the TV ads kept coming. And the more they kept coming, the more we got used to them…until it was no longer uncomfortable.
In fact it became so comfortable to watch the once ‘forbidden’ that it formed a platform for the next ‘more forbidden’ thing on TV.
What happened then? The cycle repeated itself and soon enough, the more forbidden was now a comfort.
Meanwhile, the ‘first forbidden’ is now so acceptable that it does not abuse the senses anymore…it simply goes unnoticed.
So let’s talk about culture here: People say that the Western world is more “advanced”, and things like kissing, petting and other amorous activities amongst courting couples is “normal”.
Well, let me put it to you that when it comes to purity, culture can never take pre-eminence.
Purity is universal.
Let me explain further: A large percentage of Christians desire to live in purity before marriage.
It’s not an obligation, it’s a heart-felt desire. However, a good percentage Christian singles fall along the way.
Here’s how it looks
The anatomy of sexual impurity amongst courting couples:
Phase 1: The Thought:
“I think it is OK to hold her hand…I will give it a try next time we are together”.
This thought is especially powerful when you don’t have any set standards regarding boundaries.
You have ‘pressure thoughts’ from what you see in society, you think there is something you are not doing to add value to your relationship.
But such like thoughts can easily be nipped in the bud by setting boundaries as a person and as a couple.
Phase 2: The Awkward:
Thoughts become things…goes the famous adage.
So next time you are with her, you actually reach out to hold her hand.
And it’s awkward. (for most people anyway). Your blood is pumping through your veins at 480 mph. You don’t know what she will say..or think.. of you.
It’s not a comfortable phase.
But the discomfort doesn’t last long.
Question: Is it wrong to hold hands? Answer: Read on.
Phase 3: The Sweetness:
If successful, the awkward phase passes with time.
The more you hold her hand, the more comfortable it becomes. You now savor the sweetness of the moment.
Every time you hold her hand, something happens. Some sensations. Some niceness, some sweetness. It becomes like the highlight of enjoying one another.
Phase 4: The Settling:
This is after a few weeks of practice; your heart slows down. it was awkward…even a bit scary at first. But today, you are just going through the motions.
It is expected of you. What was awkward now is now normal.
In fact, it is so normal that the sensations you used to have are no longer there…or at least they are not enough.
Phase 5: The Longing:
Remember the rush of adrenalin when you first held her hand? It is no longer there. The hand holding is not serving you any more.
You now long for something else that will serve it. You begin to think on and welcome thoughts of the next level.
You entertain thoughts of wrapping your arm around her waist or shoulders.
Phase 6: The Cycle Begins again:
You wrap your arm around her shoulders.
You’ve graduated – you can now hold hands and wrap hands on her shoulders. You can use it interchangeably but chances are that the new will dominate.
Before long, your mind is numbed once more and you are now ready to graduate.
How about a full hug?
Let’s do it for at least one minute? Add a back rub to it…how about playing little games like tickling…then let’s throw in a peck while we are at it..
You get my point.
Question: Is it wrong to hold hands, no matter the culture? I hope you now know the answer.
What breaks this cycle?
One word: Standards! Boundaries! (Ngina here- Get married! don’t court forever! 🙂
Question: What do you think about these phases, what are your thoughts on purity?
About Lawrence: Lawrence is a husband, dad, mobile money expert, life coach, speaker and former radio host. He blogs at Life Signatures where he inspires Hope and enriches lives. His new book “Setbacks to Comebacks” will be out shortly.