How should a young couple work through young marriage kinks?
I read of a man and woman who’ve been married for over 65 years.
They were asked what kept them together all these years and the woman replied that ‘she got married in the age where when something got broken, you fixed it, not throw it away.’
Broken but fixable
In our world today, marriages are thrown away when they break.
This is especially true for young marriages.
I am still in my early years – fourth year to be precise – so I am intimately acquainted with young marriage kinks.
But even in my few years of marriage, I have come to see how young marrieds can learn how to fix their relationships, not throw them away.
For every young couple or older marrieds dealing with marriage blues, here are 4 ways you can work out the kinks.
1. Decide not to live in the past
You cannot ‘choose’ again.
You already chose.
I struggled with ‘what ifs’ in my early days. Allowing my mind to linger on the things I may have done wrong to warrant my current unhappy state – ‘maybe we should have courted longer‘ or ‘maybe we didn’t seek God enough‘ and so on.
Our mentors had tried to drill in us certain marriage realities. For example that a person may have been ‘wrong’ or ‘a mistake’ on one side of the altar but once vows were taken, they became ‘the right person’ and ‘the right choice’.*
Marriage does not have an opt in/opt out clause depending on how good/how bad things are. Marriage is for keeps. And we have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
The ‘what ifs’ will keep you chained to your past and you won’t be able to improve on your current realities.
*Disclaimer – For those facing abusive, adulterous, addictive situations in marriage, part of your process includes making sure you are safe, seeking guidance (from mentors, pastors or authorities) and living within boundaries.
2. Acquire a fresh way of thinking
When we had conflict in our early months of marriage, my default thinking was often ‘flight‘.
Not ‘fight‘ (for my marriage).
Everything good in a relationship is a result of ‘stay’. You cannot resolve, grow, connect or learn when you run away or avoid the challenging things. Iron sharpens iron because of close proximity.
The thing about positive change and growth is that it’s intentional.
A new thinking pattern does not just fall on you. You work at it. And you get to work at it in rough heated times.
3. Accept your pace
Comparison is a bad thing, especially in marriage.
I remember my mentor telling me that she did not expect me, being a few months married to behave like someone who’s been married 14 years. I was me – I did not have the wisdom, practice or knowledge of 14 years of marriage.
We kill ourselves trying to act old.
Comparing ourselves to others who’ve been at it much longer than we have. Bowing to pressure to seem like you have it all together.
But really, you don’t have it all together.
You are young.
Just accept your age and enjoy the season.
4. Work through young marriage kinks through giving
A lake with inlets and no outlets eventually grows stale and stagnant. The one with constant flow – inlet and outlet – stays fresh, thriving and supports other life.
The bible says ‘give and it shall be given back to you’
You need to hear what you believe in. From your own lips. Not just have it circling in your head. When your beliefs are public, you try to live up to them. You become more accountable and responsible.
Most young couples will cringe at the thought of encouraging other couples because they feel imperfect and unworthy.
‘I have enough drama in my life i don’t need to pass it on!‘
But really, no one is perfect!
We all speak or share from our own imperfection, mistakes and lessons learned. In fact, it’s our imperfection make us attractive, not perfection. No one relates to an alien, which what you are if you have all your life together.
So don’t allow struggles to paralyze you, let them motivate you!
If you are wrestling with the overwhelm of new marriage, if shutting down, fussing, anger, passive-aggressiveness common place in your relationship, allow me to help you! I believe your marriage can change! Get on the road to a great marriage when you pick up a copy of my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years -> Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe PDF
Question – How else can a young couple work through marriage challenges?