How should a young couple work through young marriage kinks?
I read of a man and woman who’ve been married for over 65 years.
They were asked what kept them together all these years and the woman replied that ‘she got married in the age where when something got broken, you fixed it, not throw it away.’
Broken but fixable
In our world today, marriages are thrown away when they break.
Not repaired.
This is especially true for young marriages.
I am still in my early years – fourth year to be precise – so I am intimately acquainted with young marriage kinks.
But even in my few years of marriage, I have come to see how young marrieds can learn how to fix their relationships, not throw them away.
For every young couple or older marrieds dealing with marriage blues, here are 4 ways you can work out the kinks.
1. Decide not to live in the past
You cannot ‘choose’ again.
You already chose.
I struggled with ‘what ifs’ in my early days. Allowing my mind to linger on the things I may have done wrong to warrant my current unhappy state – ‘maybe we should have courted longer‘ or ‘maybe we didn’t seek God enough‘ and so on.
Our mentors had tried to drill in us certain marriage realities. For example that a person may have been ‘wrong’ or ‘a mistake’ on one side of the altar but once vows were taken, they became ‘the right person’ and ‘the right choice’.*
Marriage does not have an opt in/opt out clause depending on how good/how bad things are. Marriage is for keeps. And we have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
The ‘what ifs’ will keep you chained to your past and you won’t be able to improve on your current realities.
*Disclaimer – For those facing abusive, adulterous, addictive situations in marriage, part of your process includes making sure you are safe, seeking guidance (from mentors, pastors or authorities) and living within boundaries.
2. Acquire a fresh way of thinking
When we had conflict in our early months of marriage, my default thinking was often ‘flight‘.
Not ‘fight‘ (for my marriage).
Everything good in a relationship is a result of ‘stay’. You cannot resolve, grow, connect or learn when you run away or avoid the challenging things. Iron sharpens iron because of close proximity.
The thing about positive change and growth is that it’s intentional.
A new thinking pattern does not just fall on you. You work at it. And you get to work at it in rough heated times.
3. Accept your pace
Comparison is a bad thing, especially in marriage.
I remember my mentor telling me that she did not expect me, being a few months married to behave like someone who’s been married 14 years. I was me – I did not have the wisdom, practice or knowledge of 14 years of marriage.
We kill ourselves trying to act old.
Comparing ourselves to others who’ve been at it much longer than we have. Bowing to pressure to seem like you have it all together.
But really, you don’t have it all together.
You are young.
Just accept your age and enjoy the season.
4. Work through young marriage kinks through giving
A lake with inlets and no outlets eventually grows stale and stagnant. The one with constant flow – inlet and outlet – stays fresh, thriving and supports other life.
The bible says ‘give and it shall be given back to you’
You need to hear what you believe in. From your own lips. Not just have it circling in your head. When your beliefs are public, you try to live up to them. You become more accountable and responsible.
Most young couples will cringe at the thought of encouraging other couples because they feel imperfect and unworthy.
‘I have enough drama in my life i don’t need to pass it on!‘
But really, no one is perfect!
We all speak or share from our own imperfection, mistakes and lessons learned. In fact, it’s our imperfection make us attractive, not perfection. No one relates to an alien, which what you are if you have all your life together.
So don’t allow struggles to paralyze you, let them motivate you!
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If you are wrestling with the overwhelm of new marriage, if shutting down, fussing, anger, passive-aggressiveness common place in your relationship, allow me to help you! I believe your marriage can change! Get on the road to a great marriage when you pick up a copy of my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years -> Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe PDF
Question – How else can a young couple work through marriage challenges?
It’s good again! I think being purposeful in having fun, enjoying our lives is something that many of us don’t do well. Just another thought.
I agree Floyd! I read something powerful yesterday, powerful because it’s so applicable to my life right now, “it’s not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful”
God’s been reminding me to count my blessings and name them one by one..that joyful, fun attitude, as you’ve mentioned, makes a huge difference to young couples who are faced with lots of growth and changes. Thanks for that.
Ngina, where where you the first few months of my marriage? Oh – that’s right – you probably weren’t even born yet. 🙂 Too bad, I could have used all this great advice! You give such practical, practical – and biblical advice. I wish I could shout it from the rooftops – but I’ll content myself with sharing it on social media instead. 🙂 Can’t wait for your book.
Haha you know it’s one thing to have advice and another to apply it well! So i needed and still need to be reminded of every little bit of advice i share, all the time! And it’s so funny, we share a birthday/anniversary month!..now you know my age! (you mentioned your 2013 anniversary elsewhere in the blog..started with a 3 ended with 6..okay I just gave away my age) 🙂
Thanks for sharing the post!
That math was way too tricky for me, Ngina – I still don’t know your age, unless you are much older than you look! 🙂
Mighty fetchin’ indeed!
🙂
I love how you said “You already chose”. That’s so true. We often see marriage as something to throw away when times get tough. We think we have the right to choose something else when we don’t like what we’ve got. The truth is, we already chose when we said “I do” at the altar. Could spend all day reading your posts, Ngina! I really need to get more involved in commenting and connecting here.
Thank you Melissa, I am blessed that you find the posts and conversations helpful and building. Bless God.
Tell you, I struggled with that one! I am so glad I got over it and now ‘fight’ for our relationship instead of allowing ‘what ifs’ to cloud my view.
I agree with you – we could do with more ‘stick-to-it-ivness’ in our lives! Make a decision and not weasel out when things get tough.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow! Looking forward to my first anniversary….;-)
It has been three months…:-). Thanks for the wisdom shared. I will go at my pace and remember to ‘fight’ and not take ‘flight’ in the face of challenges.
Wow gal, 3 months already! Time flies! Your 1st anniversary shall be here sooner than you think! Time goes by very fast.
I am glad the post blessed you. Yes, keep that morsel of truth, it’s valuable. You’ll never stop needing it!
I still remind myself to ‘stay and fight for my relationship. You always need to remember to ‘stay’, not, flee.
Thank you for stopping by, reading and sharing.
People say don’ t even use the word “seperate” or divorce in your marriage and that would work if we were perfect. We have been married 48 years and could write books on “what not to do.”
Living without God in our lives for 15 of those years were the hardest for there was no one who fully knew each of us. With Him in our life we now live not unto ourselves and for that matter for each other, but for Him. This always take the “its all about me” arguement out of the picture…it’s all about Him.
I love the old song by Don Franciso with the verse, Love is not a feeling, its an act of the will. I dont’ have to feel love for my husband but use my God given will to do acts of love.
I don’t think I have said anything new…but I must depend on His new mercy to act upon it daily. Great post, good points…Blessings
Wow Betty, 48! How powerful and what a testimony! I look forward to the day 🙂
I wholeheartedly agree with you. God, being the author of marriage, is the only One who can help us live it out well. When left by ourselves, we really make a big mess of it.
Love those words by Don Francisco. I am reading “the DNA of relationship’ by Gary Smalley and they agree.
Thank you for taking time to read and share. Blessings.
Ngina, I’ve been married now 12 years to my wonderful wife and I must say that you will go through every emotion there is possible to go through in marriage. However, through all of those emotions you must learn to stay focused on loving each other and communicating. I love your point about Accepting your pace. Its so true and important. This is a great post on how to keep a marriage strong.
so one day we’ll also be 12 years old ;). – I know, the years move fast!
I have found staying focused so key. Knowing what is priority and communicating. Thank you for sharing
I love that analogy about the lake’s inlets and outlets. Than could work in many applications.
The biggest part of the problem, of which I’ve been a contributor, is the fact that taking vows or signing a contract, making a covenant with another, doesn’t carry the same weight as it did once. Our society has learned to accept lies; lies in others and lies in our own lives.
No where in the bible does the word “love” get defined as a “feeling.” It is always about caring, devotion, commitment, upholding a vow, and the ascent of our will.
Love is selfless. Selfishness destroys love…
I speak with authority on this subject as one who failed… yet God redeemed…
I love your thoughts on what true love really is. It’s nothing like what is being touted in our world today.
Bless God for His redemption..He marvelous in all He does.
Thank you for reading and sharing from the heart. It’s a honor and blessing to learn from those that have walked the road ahead. Thank you.
I’ve been married for over 4 years and totally agree with your points. They are all so important.
I think knowing your spouses strength, weaknesses, personality, dreams, passions, and emotional tone is so essential. Keeping this at the front of your marriage can be a challenge with the busyness of life(work, kids, church, …).
Great post!
Great points Dan.
It’s not easy keeping balance. I try to keep a simple ‘chart of importance’ in my mind – God first, then husband and the rest come after that. Life is so hectic (and getting busier!) that it takes pure dedication to keep first things first.
Thank you for reading and sharing.
Having our prioritize in line is so important. It allows for a balanced life. I do the same thing with the “chart in my mind.”
Amen