What do wives want in bed?
Often when it comes to sex in marriage, wives are told the path to a satisfying sex life is learning what their husbands want and giving it to them on a consistent basis.
And while there’s some truth to the serving aspect of sexual intimacy, there’s a huge part being left out because intimacy is not one-sided; it can’t be intimacy if only one part of the marriage enjoys it.
Being intimate means “a close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.” Both parties are active contributors to the intimacy.
When a wife doesn’t enjoy intimacy with her husband, sex becomes a burden.
Further, her lack of enjoyment spells trouble for the overall relationship because marriage without a deep connection is a marriage crumbling and struggling from within.
One of the points that need to be emphasized in this quest for deeper intimacy between husband and wife is the responsibility of the wife. She holds the switch to her passion.
The husband is a significant contributor obviously but he’s not the only determinant if she wife enjoys sexual intimacy or not. The wife holds the sexual switch (and accelerator.)
So for the wife interested in growth, it’s essential to learn what turns her gears, what she likes in bed, how God wired her for sexual pleasure because until she does, she will never enjoy intimacy the way she was meant to.
For me, the biggest shift happened when I accepted the following three things about my female wiring
- God wired me different from my husband.
I am more emotionally stimulated. I am less visual, compared to my husband.
- It takes longer for me to warm up and get ready for sex
And that doesn’t mean I am broken; I am just different; complimentary to my husband who warms up faster.
Finding an effective medium helps us serve each other and deepens our overall intimacy.
- Focus and enjoyment go hand in hand.
I can’t run the mental grocery list at the same time we are getting down to business. It just doesn’t work (trust me I’ve tried, and I am sure you have too, and we both know the results)
Again having to focus on the moment doesn’t make us freaks of nature. For me, I see how our differences are intended to thrill us as they reveal the infinite majesty and creativity of our God, the author of sex.
Read the 4 things I focus on for better intimacy with my husband
If you are the newlywed wife trying to wrap your mind around intimacy or the oldie wife whose sex life has become blah, I have good news for you.
Your sex life can become pleasurable again. And it all starts with understanding how you are wired for it all and putting a few things into practice.
Affiliate link ahead
Sheila Gregoire, my bloggy friend, has a fantastic resource, Boost Your Libido ecourse, an online course which shows wives how to move their marriages from BLAH to Blazing, just by understanding how their brains, bodies, and relationships all work together to impact your libido!
The course is super practical, and Sheila is hilarious.
And she endeavors to help us understand that intimacy is Gods idea. That He’s generous and knowing how He wired us for intimacy helps us thrive in marriage, as He intends.
You can check out Boost Your Libido course here
Now, let’s talk about the 9 things wives want in bed for better intimacy
1. Time to warm up
Aka longer foreplay
2. Agreement
What is acceptable in the marriage bed? Wives who are not under pressure to pursue uncomfortable sexual acts, who know their feelings and views are heard and valued experience more freedom in their marriage bed.
I’ve talked about boundaries and brokenness in these posts
What is permissible in the Christian marriage bed?
I hate sex, will I still have a happy marriage?
3. Feeling pursued outside the bedroom by the husband
Some of the best aphrodisiacs for wives include conversation, non-sexual touch, helping with the chores/running of the home.
4. Relaxed mood
Tiredness and an inability to relax will kill your ability to warm up.
You might want sex but being able to relax actively (i.e. relax but stay alert and tuned into the moment) allows for desire to build and helps your body get ready for intimacy.
5. Privacy
Most wives want to be free to express themselves without feeling like someone else is listening in.
6. Exclusivity
A wife wants to know that she is the only one in her husband’s life and mind.
I’ve talked about exclusivity in these posts
When your husband talks to other women
When you don’t trust your husband
Emotional affair: how to guard your heart
7. Security
This goes with trust and feeling loved and cared for. A wife who is feeling secure in the marriage will desire intimacy with her husband.
8. Good hygiene from spouse
In most cases, wives have a sharper sense of smell (all though some husbands have a sharper sense) and are easily turned off when their men don’t practice good hygiene e.g taking showers, brushing teeth, changing underwear etc.
9. Pleasure
When a husband learns how to pleasure his wife, she is more likely to want intimacy with him.
Yes, she, not he, is in charge of her arousal but it also takes an active spouse to help her get there.
Husbands who take the lead, who put as much (if not more) emphasis in her pleasure as they so theirs, are more likely to have wives who enjoy sexual intimacy.
A husband who takes the lead, who puts as much (if not more) emphasis in his wife's' pleasure, is more likely to have a wife who enjoys sexual intimacy.What wives want in bed – the specifics
Obviously, what I’ve shared in this post are generalizations.
We are all different as women, and that is why a resource like Boost Your Libido can be an awesome game-changer because it covers a lot of ground and shows you how to start loving – and anticipating – sex again so your marriage can rock.
Every wife has to become a student of her own body. Because if you don’t know who you are, how can you teach your husband what you want?
We are always learning what our husbands want, and I believe it’s time we establish value on ourselves because that is how we grow intimate as a couple; by bringing all of ourselves into the relationship. By being active participants instead of hoping our husbands will fill the gaps for us.
And by the way, some of the best sex for the Christian husband happens when his wife enjoys it.
So you matter!
If he has not seen you enjoy intimacy before, if you’ve never introduced the subject of how to make intimacy fun for you, there might be a learning curve ahead.
But your marriage is worth the journey.
And you don’t have to do this alone.
Boost Your Libido course is really down to earth and Sheila is open about her own struggles, which makes you feel heard and understood.
It’s an enjoyable journey, filled with practical assignments that can help you see immediate results.
You don’t have to wait until you finish the course to start your libido revving up and your intimacy rocking.
Check it out here
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