Recently someone landed on my site through searching the phrase “thinking of moving in together “
Their search brought back memories of my courtship.
How right after our engagement, my husband and I felt so knit together and day-dreamed about the shortest route to the altar.
We imagined ditching the home visits (a Kenyan wedding is a long long process!) and the preparations.
We thought about marching our two witnesses to the judges office and signing our certificate. Our emotions and hormones were on a high and we hated being apart after our hearts felt so together.
But in short, we waited.
Because of these four reasons.
Why moving in together is not a good idea.
1. Most relationship test-drives don’t end well.
But because you don’t own the car, it’s easier to chicken-out and return it to the dealer
Marriage reveals more of who we are, not less. And that’s why we take marriage vows, not wishes – because vows (are meant to) keep you together for better and for worse, especially the worse.
When you move in without vows, you are getting a raw deal. And your options are wide open. Your commit-er is not committed.
That means if he’s no longer sweet and attentive as you want him to be, and that office promotion comes through but lands you in a different state, you’ll be thinking “Maybe we need time apart to figure out this thing?”
Not “no, my relationship is priority”
2. Like it or not, it’s a bad idea
God ordained marriage. He created and presided over the first wedding when He presented Eve to Adam
God has a whole manual for marriage (it’s called the Bible) and it’s clear;
But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2
(In other words, “The sex drive is strong so get a wife/husband, don’t have sex outside marriage!)
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; Galatians 5:19
Eve and Adam did not dream up each other or marriage.
We may redefine marriage, to include everything but what God calls it. But it doesn’t change God’s mind or intention. It only creates confusion, heartache and pain. We are wired for real commitment. The vow-kind commitment.
Marriage is the only safe place to be “naked and unashamed” – known, intimate, unashamed.
(at least that’s how God intended it)
God is not holding back on us when He tells us to wait. It’s not that He doesn’t want you to enjoy sex. But He knows how sex connects us. It’s deep profound unveiling and He calls it “becoming one-flesh”. (Mark 10:8) He doesn’t want you to become one-flesh outside the vow.
3. You need the discipline
You know what keeps a marriage thriving? Commitment. It’s not love (the feeling), but the commitment to love, even in the middle of life’s messes and failures that makes for a strong happy marriage.
Waiting, while your hormones and “common sense” scream otherwise, will instill a discipline and holy awe that is needed in marriage.
4. Moving in together is a bad dating technique
(I couldn’t think of a better way to say this but) Giving him the cow and milk for free will not encourage him to buy in. Giving him all the benefits of marriage without a marriage commitment will not make him want to marry you.
If he has no intention of making you his, the honorable way, giving him a taste will not change his mind. You are not a commodity in a store to be sampled.
*I know you or someone you know might have started out living together before marriage but are now happily creating their ever-after. That can happen. But that’s because God redeems and restores, not because it’s His original plan..just thought to clarity that! 🙂
Your turn! What do you think about moving in together? We might not agree, but I would love to hear your thoughts! Please make sure to read my comments policy (we can disagree but we must be respectful!)
Let me help you prepare for marriage!