Recently someone landed on my site through searching the phrase “thinking of moving in together”
I thought about the possible reasons she/he would want to cohabit before marriage.
And I thought about my own courtship.
How right after our engagement, my husband and I felt so knit together and day-dreamed about the shortest route to the altar!
We imagined ditching the home visits (a Kenyan wedding can be a long long process! and costly) and the preparations. We thought about marching our two witnesses to the Attorney General’s office and signing certificates! Our emotions and hormones were on a high and we hated being apart after our hearts were so together.
But we knew better. So we waited.
Off the top of my head, here are a few reasons why moving in together is not a good idea.
1. You get to test-drive the car
But because you don’t own the car, it’s easier to chicken-out and return it to the dealer
Marriage reveals more of who we are, not less. And that’s why we take marriage vows, not wishes – because vows (are meant to) keep you together for better and for worse, especially the worse. When you move in without vows, you are getting a raw deal. And your options are wide open. Your commit-er is not committed.
That means if he’s no longer sweet and attentive as you want him to be, and that office promotion comes through but lands you in a different state, you’ll be thinking “Maybe we need time apart to figure out this thing?”
Not “no, my relationship is priority”
2. God says it’s a bad idea
God ordained marriage. He created and presided over the first wedding when He presented Eve to Adam
(worth a pause here – single lady, who is presenting you?)
God has a whole manual for marriage, it’s called the Bible. And it’s clear;
But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2
(In other words, “The sex drive is strong so get a wife/husband, don’t have sex outside marriage!)
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; Galatians 5:19
Eve and Adam did not dream up each other or marriage.
We may redefine marriage, to include everything but what God calls it. But it doesn’t change God’s mind or intention. It only creates confusion, heartache and pain. We are wired for real commitment. The vow-kind commitment.
Marriage is the only safe place to be “naked and unashamed” – known, intimate, unashamed.
(at least that’s how God intended it)
God is not holding back on us when He tells us to wait. It’s not that He doesn’t want you to enjoy sex. But He knows how sex connects us. It’s deep profound unveiling and He calls it “becoming one-flesh”. (Mark 10:8) He doesn’t want you to become one-flesh outside the vow.
3. You need the discipline
You know what keeps a marriage thriving? Commitment. It’s not love (the feeling), but the commitment to love, in the midst of life’s messes and failures that makes a strong happy marriage. Waiting, while your hormones and common sense screams otherwise, will instill a discipline and holy awe that is needed in marriage.
4. It’s a bad dating technique
(I couldn’t think of a better way to say this) Giving him the cow and milk for free will not encourage him to buy in. Giving him all the benefits of marriage without a marriage commitment will not make him want to marry you. If he has no intention of making you his, the honorable way, giving him a taste will not change his mind. You are not a commodity in a store to be sampled.
Your turn – Why is cohabiting not a good idea?
*I know someone reading this may have started out living together before marriage but are now happily creating their ever-after. That can happen. But that’s because God redeems and restores, not because it’s His original plan..just thought to clarity that! 🙂
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