To Pursue or Not to Pursue (& Other Things Singles Need to Know)

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Every once in a while I’ll hang out at singles blogs and online forums.

One thing I hear over and over again is how hard and complicated the relationship scene has become.

To Pursue or not to pursue (and other relationship things singles need to know)

Each time I hear that I feel like we are missing an important part of the relationship puzzle.

While it’s true, the world has indeed changed, nobody said we have to change with it.

As singles we can uncomplicate stuff through observing simple relationship rules that make relationships easier.

Here are a few thoughts on how to recapture simplicity in relationships. 

1. Have the right concept of “pursue”

I come from the side of the track that believes that men do the pursuing, while women do the pursued.

As a woman there’s good reason you want to be pursued. It makes for good fun, you feel cherished and special – that’s just the way it’s supposed to be.

But that’s not the only reason.

Pursuing you provides an opportunity for a man to learn and practice leadership.

It also provides an opportunity for you to learn how to step out of his way and be led.

Am I messing with your personal theology yet? I hope so : )

Here’s some truth to ponder on – you and your beloved will not just “fall” into marriage roles e.g  the role of submission and leadership.

(And that’s a sweet revelation that ought to set your feet at dancing)

God designed relationships to have a “pre-game” season, where you have an opportunity to practice some marriage realities (to a small degree) before you have to live them out practically.

Of course many believe that the season is optional and they can hopscotch or skip around it.

Guess what camp they fall under? The “relationships are complicated” camp.

Letting him pick that first bill, expecting him to cultivate interest in you, putting the whole (relationship) shebang on his shoulders has nothing to do with your “freedoms and rights” as a woman.

It’s got everything to do with having that man’s heart and character ride up to the surface. 

Cos if he can’t be a good boyfriend now what makes you think he’ll be a great husband later?

If you can’t get together your good girlfriend genes, what makes you think they’ll cheer you on through wife-hood?

Good boyfriends don’t happen because a woman stepped in to make them look great. (Click to tweet)

Good boyfriends – and later husbands – happen because you left the man alone and allowed Him to stand by himself.

2. “Dating as lifestyle” versus “going out on a date”

Here’s the difference between “going out on a date’ and “dating” as a lifestyle.

“Dating” is something you do for fun. There’s no reason, no purpose to it, no intention.

People who date as a lifestyle often have underling motives which are not always nice – to boost fragile egos and esteem, to escape loneliness, to be like the “in” crowd e.t.c

“Going out on a date” is something you do on occasion, with intention and for a determined period of time.

In other words you know why you are going out on that date; to find out if you are right for one another. 

Am I still messing with your theology? : )

Think about it, why do you want spend two hours fishing if you have no intention of catching a fish?

Exactly what will you do if you catch a fish?

I suppose throw it back into the waters?

That’s okay for fish.

But it’s not okay for human hearts.

Let’s break it down further – if getting a four year university degree and putting in three years of work in the corporate world before you think about marriage is your goal right now, that’s great.

You have established your priorities and marriage is not one of them.

So quit accepting those dates.

Now, plans change and God can redirect our steps.

But the whole point of this post is to try and uncomplicate matters-  dragging another person through seven year of courtship? Now that’s complicated, for you and for them.

We’ll conclude this conversation in the next post.

Your turn – what do you think? How else can we uncomplicate some of these relationship jams we’ve put ourselves in? What tips can you add?


Also check out the follow-up post Purity: Does in Matter Anymore?

Linking with Titus 2sdays, Messy Marriage, we are That family, Wise Woman, Wifey wednesday


  1. Missy June says:

    Oh yes, girls! Insist that a man pursue you…you will ignite their desire or determine they are not worth the time. I’m a recently remarried woman and I cannot describe the abiding joy that comes with being daily pursued, when the man you love more than any other seeks to know you and to draw you out and to give himself for you – it is joy unspeakable! But it will not happen if you are calling the shots, manipulating him to get what you want or settling one who won’t rise to the challenge. Excellent post!

    1. Amen Missy June! I love your take..and experience!…on this. Thanks for sharing with us!

  2. I’ve never heard it put like that, but I like the wisdom, the way God designed it. Men are called to lead and that starts from day one. It is the man’s responsibility to get things started… Women are the gifts from God to be cherished and courted… I needed this reminder today. Thanks, Ngina.

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