To the Wife With The Higher Sex Drive – 6 Things to Remember

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Last week I wrote on 5 Scriptures to Strengthen Physical Intimacy (click here to read the post) and I promised to write a follow up post for wives who have the opposite challenge.

Today’s post is an adaptation from my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years which you can buy here.

Fair warning – the book has been described as “tough-love” in it’s approach and this post is no different.

To the wife with a higher sex drive, 6 things to remember

When he doesn’t want sex 

A lot of intimacy advice is geared towards helping wives desire more sex. There’s nothing wrong with that approach as most women need that type of encouragement.

We tend to be “delicate” in a sense and one small thing can throw us out of balance and affect our sex drive.

But there’s another group of women which needs a different kind of encouragement.

Current statistics show that the number of marriages in which the wife has a higher libido at about 30%. That is a large number of wives who feel alone and misunderstood.

There are different causes for low libido in men and these include illness, low testosterone levels, unresolved inner issues like anger or self-worth, past sexual abuse, stress, addictions, pornography or depression.

It could also be the result of a wife who previously rejected her husband for a period of time and he learned to shut down.

Normally a man’s sense of manhood is closely tied to his performance in the bedroom; he feels good about himself when he’s able to satisfy his wife sexually.

The opposite is true: he feels terrible when he’s unable to perform.

As a wife with the higher sex drive, here are six things to remember as work towards restoring health to your sex life.

1. You are not abnormal for wanting sex

The prevailing thought is that wives desire less sex, as a result there is a wealth of advice on how to increase their sexual desire. As the higher drive spouse, you have probably put all that advice into practice only to have it back fire on you.

And as is typical to women, when things are out of sorts, you’ve blamed yourself. You think there’s something wrong with you. You work harder, dress sexier, pursue more.

You build high expectation and hopes, but since you are not the primary “problem”, nothing changes and you  crash. And irritate the one with the “problem” because now they feel like a project.

You are caught up in a roller coaster that has not only affected your marriage but has devastated your esteem and confidence as a woman.

I just want you to know that you are not abnormal for desiring a healthy sex life. God made sex; you did not think it up!

But as long as you keep blaming yourself and thinking up all the ways to fix it and make it better, you will not make progress.

Quit approaching your challenges as if you are the problem.

Certainly, you have a responsibility to work together to bring healing to your sex life but you do so with understanding and peace, not with guilt, shame and a false sense of responsibility.

2. Sort yourself before you try to sort him out

Your husband’s sexual challenges, if prolonged, may have left you feeling rejected and unwanted. This is more so if he’s been unwilling (or unable) to talk about it.

You are probably angry and frustrated and want to lash out and to blame.

Instead of acting out your anger, frustrations and fears, ask God to help you live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

You might not like what I am about to say but it’s true; one of the reasons why you are angry and frustrated is because deep down, you have been expecting your husband to be God.

You look to him to build your worth, make you feel loved and accepted, soothe your fears, give your “rights” as a wife and make you feel whole as a woman.

It is true that God has given you this earthly relationship to meet some of the needs He has hardwired in you but as the spouse with the higher drive, understand that this gift (your husband) is not meant to replace Him.

We were never meant to take our eyes and affection off God. Whether or not your husband is making love to you, you are still complete in God.

Process your emotions from that angle; God loves you and in Him you have everything you need. Go to Him for healing and filling, not to your husband.

You will find that as God fills you to overflowing, you are able to go that extra mile in your marriage, to love your husband as God does.

Since God has met all your needs, you can release your husband from that high responsibility of making you whole.

3. Wife with higher sex drive, pursue a higher road

Perhaps you feel that no one understands you; the church circles certainly don’t talk about the sexually unfulfilled wife.

Maybe you tried to share with a close friend, only to be met with a light “I envy you! I wish mine didn’t want it so much!’ It was a joke, you laughed.

But it hurt because it made you feel like the odd one out yet again, and cemented what you secretly think – there’s no hope.

Shake yourself out of this hole of blues and start chasing your happily ever after in the bedroom! Rise above the mindset and perceptions that leave you feeling hopeless and depressed.

No one is exempt from sexual challenges, even couples in the early years of marriage. Do not wait for someone else to fix your marriage for you.

Yes, that’s what you are doing right now, sitting there, waiting for someone to cheer you towards solutions, getting all hopeless and depressed.

To the wife with a higher sex drive, 6 things to remember

Shake yourself and be proactive. Begin to read articles and books on how to deal with sexual challenges in the bedroom.

(I’ve provided links to two blogs at the bottom of this post. Go into those websites and search for articles that address your situation and if you can, pick up their books too)*

More than anything else get into the word of God and learn what He says about you, your marriage and your husband.

Spend time in prayer and worship. Immerse yourself in God and allow Him to transform and empower you.

Whatever you do, don’t sit there and hold a pity party! God and you are a majority. You might be young in marriage but your God is not! He’s been around for a long time and He knows how to make things work!

4. Learn to draw him out

As much as you believe you understand what’s going on with your husband, you really have no clue. You cannot comprehend the depths of his frustration, fear and anxiety.

I am talking about husbands who actually feel bad about the situation, not someone who has intentionally turned away and is no longer interested in pleasing his wife.

A man who wants to please his wife will feel bad when he can’t. To have this happen in the early years of marriage is devastating.

That’s why as his wife you want to turn to his Creator because you cannot do it alone. You cannot hold your husband to make him feel better. You can’t be sexy enough to make him want you.

Like I pointed out earlier, sometimes the more you try, the more frustrating it is for both of you. Do not assume you know what he is going through.

And do not joke or make light of it because things are heavy in his world.

Proverbs 31:26 has this to say about the wife of noble character;

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Wisdom will open doors that pain and devastation have shut. Wisdom is gentle and does not not demand its way. It refuses to be self-seeking.

Marriage has its gifts and blessings, but a wise woman will easily relinquish those, even temporarily, for the good of her marriage.Click to Tweet

James 1:5 says “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

When talking with your husband, temper your words. Be patient and seek to understand, as opposed to drilling your point home.

Do not go on a diatribe about the whole problem – no one wants to discuss their weakness and challenges the whole night. Be sensitive and know when he has had enough, pick up that conversation at a later time.

As you talk, approach it from the angle of love – reassure him, coat your words with love.

5. Cultivate friendship

It is easy to ignore the rest of your marriage as you let yourselves get bogged down by sexual issues. However, there is no challenge a couple cannot overcome when they focus on building a friendship.

Cultivating friendship means deciding that you and your husband are a team. That whatever comes against one of you comes against both of you.

You stop thinking of challenges as “his” problem and start approaching it as “our” problem.

Friends look out for each other, they are not in it for what they can get out of the relationship. Rise above your issues.

Laugh with him, play together, go out on dates, make his favorite meal, do the things he likes and make your life more than the bedroom.

As you do, you will begin to realize that it’s easier to discuss things with a friend because friends don’t keep scores and put up fences and heavy doors.

When you are not feeling judged, but accepted, it’s easier to open up. The opposite is true- when there is a dark ominous cloud in the form of an angry, resentful wife, you want to close up and hide.

Cultivating friendship means deciding that you and your husband are a team. That whatever comes against one of you comes against both of you.Click to Tweet

6. It will take time

Anything worth having in marriage is worth fighting for. Understand that it will take time to restore this area of your life.

Even if it’s something that can be fixed medically, it might still take time to heal the mind and heart. Especially yours.

Do not allow pride and fear to keep you from seeking outside help. Talk to mentors, seek professional help.

But also understand that at the end of the day, you have to go back home and work it through with your man.

As you walk through all this, remember that God honors His word. He said that if we ask we shall receive. It might take time, but it doesn’t mean it will never come to pass.

Keep your hopes and dreams at the feet of Jesus (Psalm 55:22) and leave them there. Don’t pick up what you gave to Him.

Put to practice what you learn, keep obeying the steps He opens up to you.

One final thing for the wife with the higher sex drive

Imbalanced/mismatched libido is not all that uncommon in most marriage. Most couples go through seasons when one spouse has a higher drive than the other.

Unfortunately and when you are in such a season, the enemy wants you to believe that you are the only wife with the higher drive in the entire world, that your marriage is broken and you’ll never have a healthy sex life.

But that’s not true and you need to kick him out!

2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

You need to realize that your marriage cannot rise above what you think and believe. Believe God. Be proactive and call your marriage what God calls it, not what it seems.

Remember, problems don’t come to stay and a couple who are invested in each other, not just parts of each other, will overcome great odds.

~

A lot of the problems we go through in a marriage need a whole-marriage approach, not a segmented fix-up. If you are tired of fussing and distance in the bedroom and desire to restore joy, healing and happiness to your marriage, maybe you need to consider the rest of your marriage as a path to healing and restoration. If you want to love better, create the marriage of your dreams, God’s way, my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years can set you on that road. Buy it here >>  Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF I UK/Europe PDF . Or Click here to go to the book page.

Blues to Bliss - Creating Your Happily ever after in the early years

*Marriage and Intimacy blogs
  • To Love Honor and Vacuum Sheila Gregoire blogs about healthy marriage and sexuality.
  • Hot Holy Humorous, J Parker writes about sex and marriage by God’s design. You can request to join her support group for  higher drive wives here
Photo by luizclas from Pexels

14 Comments

  1. Great article. What if the man has the higher sex drive?

  2. Kristi L. says:

    Thank you for this helpful blog post. You have provided quite a few good points to ponder. Even though I’m not a newlywed wife (we’ve been married 25 years) there was much I could relate to. My sex drive has always been on the high end of the spectrum for a woman. I’ve always joked that I’m one of those red-hot, passionate sex crazed Scorpio women, haha! Everything was pretty good in that department for us through our early years together. Then came our two children, job change stresses for him, aging parents, church commitments, etc. And yes, to be truthful, I stopped paying as much attention to my figure & weight as what I should. I used the excuse of being acutely hypothyroid, a busy mom, etc. to justify my increased size & shape. Needless to say, all of these factors combined took a heavy toll on our sex life – something I certainly wasn’t happy about but learned to live with, since my energy level had steadily decreased also and I was often too tired, anyway, to care. When I hit 230lbs tho’, I knew I had to do something for the sake of my present & future health. My Dr. agreed to prescribe me a different antidepressant and along with that I started making many gradual, permanent changes to my diet & lifestyle. Happily, I can say that I’ve lost 53 pounds to date & I hope to keep it going until I reach my ‘wedding weight.’ Here is the rub, tho’: Getting more of my energy and shapeliness back has revved up my high intensity libido. I enjoy feeling like a sexy woman again, wearing lace panties & bras, smaller, cuter clothes etc. My husband, though supportive (and proud) of my efforts is having his own struggles with middle aged male issues (not always able to do it, even when he wants to), job stress, fatigue, his overweight-ness and self consciousness about his loss of physique, etc. All of which leads to me often having a LOT of pent up sexual energy that I don’t know what to do with. I hate to keep badgering him, but I’m really at a loss sometimes to know what to do with myself when I’m so much in the mood but he’s obviously not. Sometimes I actually start thinking ” well, where is the good in all this rediscovered sexiness if it can’t always be put to use?” And then I feel selfish & immature for thinking that, for focusing so much on me, myself and I. Any suggestions?

    1. Kristi, congratulations on your journey to a healthy lifestyle! I am sorry about the challenges you are facing. The best thing I can think of right now is to send you over to this page https://forgivenwife.com/be-a-groupie/ . There’s a list of different groups you can join for support and encouragement. But there’s an upcoming group specifically for higher drive wives. Perhaps you can get in touch with the leader, so she’ll add you soon as she launches.

      1. Can you please send me a link to this group? (Higher drive)

  3. Unfortunately all my husband and I did was talk off and on our first year and I don’t know if it wasn’t enough or what, but he doesn’t remember or it’s been too long…
    Honestly, I gave up after he would say either that he didn’t know if he could have sex or that he’d like for us to try and then did nothing about it.
    Granted, I haven’t tried to initiate anything either and am just as guilty of doing nothing for my so called reasons.
    Your friends might be sympathetic, but talking to them doesn’t fix the situation…nor does scrolling through the internet. Even this post just reminds me of the hurt and what I’m not doing and that I don’t know how to do anything in my marriage except shut myself away and give up, even though I know that’s the adversary’s​ influence. But it’s so hard when you’ve never​ had sex once with your husband and neither of you have any idea what you’re doing.
    There is no solution but God… and even he doesn’t seem to answer my prayers, though I know I don’t pray nearly enough and when I do I expect everything to happen right away.
    Why am I posting this? I don’t​ know. Maybe because nothing is helping me, no matter the blogs I read. No one will comment, no one will even notice except God.

    1. I am sorry this post made you feel bad, that wasn’t my intention. I am sorry about how things have been for you and hubby. Do you have a mentor? I don’t advocate that you talk to just anyone (eg friends) but I would advice that you talk to someone i.e a mentor, pastor or Christian counselor and get the help and equipping you need to work through this area of marriage.

      I understand how being in the same position for a long time can make you feel powerless and overwhelmed. I am reminded of the the story of the woman with the issue of blood (Mark 5:25 – 34) The Bible says she had bled for a long time and no one could cure her. But she still believed after all that time that perhaps she could be cured by touching Jesus. You are hanging on by faith and thats wonderful. But the dear lady had to move her feet, press through the crowd and risk exposure. Her desperation made her risk everything so she could be healed. You mention that you have read a lot of blogs and it hasn’t helped. In the comment you said you might not be DOING what you are supposed to be doing, perhaps something that could help the situation.

      I don’t mean to preach but just feel to encourage you to step out and do something beyond hoping…and not to quit if you have been doing something. Begin by talking to someone. If you need one-on-one help from me, contact me via my contact page and we can set up a session (skype etc) I’ve prayed for you.

  4. TedCruzIsMyChoice says:

    Hello there. I’m a bit depressed. My husband had an affair and sexual relaion before our marrige. He really can’t forget his first luv. He sometimes calling in mobile with her. I have 6 years marrige life. But now i want to know my husband still now relation with her. I have a daughter and i love my husbsnd so much. What can i do? SHould i try smth unusual in our sexlife like iwantucams_com ??

    1. Thanks for your question and comment. I am not sure what you mean by “something unusual” but I will tell you that trying to fix your marriage through any other means, other than a genuine dialogue and change of heart, does not work and will lead to more problems. Marriage problems must addressed and corrected from the root. I am going to refer you to posts I’ve written that address the topics you have raised. Addressing the issue of trust – please read this post https://intentionaltoday.com/when-you-dont-trust-your-husband-5-things-you-can-do/
      Addressing sexual boundaries – https://intentionaltoday.com/what-is-permissible-in-the-married-christian-bed-3-thoughts/ and https://intentionaltoday.com/resources/
      When marriage is hard (need to draw boundaries) https://intentionaltoday.com/to-the-wife-who-feels-blamed-for-marriage-problems/ and https://intentionaltoday.com/what-to-do-when-you-want-to-give-up-on-your-marriage/ .

  5. Very helpful post Ngina, sex is something not talked about enough in The Church. I have also read where medical help was provided for someone who had a very unusual sex drive. So maybe, medical help can also be sought, especially if it is way out of hand.
    Above all though, God’s word is superior and powerful and can handle every situation.

    1. Really a wonderful blog post indeed..

      I would like to read your book to know more about marriage that how can people enjoy their marriages. God is an ultimate matchmaker.

      Keep writing. God bless you.

      ~Dr. Diana Hardy

    2. Thanks Ugochi, I agree its important to seek out medical help. And above all, trust that God is supreme and able to help, even where medical intervention has failed.

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