– wife says to husband “if you hit me again I will take the kids and leave”, husband “feels” this “a threat”, “emotional abuse” and “manipulative” (and no joke – a social worker who heard a battered wife say this to her husband and the social worker fully backed the HUSBAND in his belief saying his wife
statement was those things)
– an ex wife says to her husband that unless he is willing to negotiate custody arrangements that are in the best interest of the children (instead of him taking the kids from her and, at best, seriously neglecting and emotionally abusing them), that she will take the matter to family court and will bring up proof of both the neglect/abuse and the exhusband’s previous perjured testimony, and as the exhusband works in a job where he will lose his job if found guilty of perjury so it’s a lot bigger deal than just custody issues, the exhusband claims his ex wife is “threatening him” and “trying to manipulate him” instead of the actual reality that the wife is trying to have him negotiate instead of dictate and trying to protect him from severe negative consequences by laying out the consequences of what will happen if going to court becomes necessary?
– same woman in second example points out she wasn’t able to put in the evidence of her ex’s perjury and violence previously to the court because she didn’t want to hurt him, instead of seeing that she cares and was trying to protect him from jail, he says his “reality” is she’s trying to manipulate him and doesn’t really care about him (manipulate him in what way? And to achieve what? No one knows)

In these situations why should the husband (or any abuser really) be allowed to “define their own reality”? Why can’t the victims say “your view isn’t actually reality”? Why can’t victims say “you may feel abused but I’m just putting in place boundaries?” Why can’t victims say “you may feel manipulated but that’s only because you and people in your family of origin do make up things like that to manipulate others, but when I’m saying these things, they are true and they are to express either boundaries or ways I’ve shown you love you and forgiveness, not to hurt you”?

Sometimes reality isn’t determined by individuals because some abusers genuinely think they are the victim and genuinely accuse the victim of having intentions and motivations that they don’t have (and are often the abuser projecting their own intentions and motivations onto the victim).

So how does a victim in this situation respond to the abuser when the abuser is claiming they are feeling abused/ hurt/ manipulated by the victim setting boundaries or engaging in other normal behaviours?

What can you say to an abuser whose “reality” is not actual reality?

From a victim going through abuse by an abuser who believes they are somehow the victim of a real victim of severe abuse trying to put in place boundaries.