When The Honeymoon Doesn’t Last – 3 Things to Remember

Loving My Husband | Newlywed Advice

What do you do when the honeymoon doesn’t last forever?

While the early years of marriage are fresh and exciting, they can be filled with hard work and sweat.

In fact, we are shocked to discover that the level of effort and work we put in to the relationship is directly related to the level of love and sweetness we enjoy as a couple!

3 reasons the honeymoon feelings don't always last

While many couples enjoy a problem-free start to married life, others start on a more uncomfortable note. And it is to be expected because stranger + stranger = learning curve.

But whatever camp you fall under,  we can all agree that once married, every couple has to adjust and re-define the concept of “honeymoon”.

Today I want to debunk a few myths about why the honeymoon doesn’t last.

Because so many people are walking into marriage hoping for peachy honeymoon, only to be hit upside the head with hard effort, right off the gate.

They are hurt and frustrated and terrified about the future.

Singles are scared of marriage because they don’t understand how work and happiness go together. (If you are single, make sure you read this post where I explain a bit of that)

So why are the honeymoon years difficult? What do we do when the honeymoon doesn’t last as long as we want?

3 reasons honeymoon doesn’t last forever

1. Honeymoon doesn’t last because you really didn’t know each other

Oh you hang out and spent hours talking and staring into each others eyes. You got to know his family and his friends.

You spent a ton of money on your wedding. You feel like you know this person completely and they know you completely – maybe even better than you know yourself!

But then you get married.

Two different people, two genders, different expectations and life experiences. The idea that you will start living together and it will be a perfect fit all the time is, well..how do I say this ..preposterous.

I wish there was a way to sit with all newlyweds and explain the bumps and emotions as they happen. Perhaps I could say things like

Sweet friend, I can tell by the way you are holding that glass of water that you need to put it down. Because once you smash it (or God forbid, throw it) it will escalate everything. It won’t resolve the frustrated emotions burning a storm in your chest. And by the way, those emotions are normal….”

But then I know that’s why we have the Spirit of God!

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth.” (John 14;16-17)

I had to let go of the idea that my husband and I were a flawless fit.

Oh it hurt!

You see, I believed he knew me. Like really knew me. What I liked, preferred, disliked, hated, everything. And I expected he’d put that knowledge to good use!

But the reality was that he knew a little about me – at least enough to want to marry me! But he did not know the other part of me, the real me.

The one that didn’t like to cook, the one that liked to push his buttons, the one that would wake him up at 2 in the morning just “to talk”. He didn’t know (and neither did I) that I had daddy issues or would one day try to mother him.

Looking back, we should have walked into marriage with the following at the front of our minds: “Forget the person I knew yesterday! If they start behaving like a stranger today, they are just being themselves!”

It’s not that getting to know one other before the wedding doesn’t help. Of course, it does.

But we also need to recognize the friendship and courtship phase for what it is….bait-ish. It’s the sweet crunchy thing that entices you into the real thing.. marriage!

And that, my friend, is why we take marriage vows, not wishes. Because after the wedding, we get enough reasons to want to bolt.

But your vow keeps you in place, working to create the marriage of your dreams.

Ps: Adultery, abuse (please get help now!) or abandonment are not part of a healthy marriage. They are not “marriage growing pains,” the type of challenges we are discussing in this post. Get help immediately if your marriage is struggling in any of those areas.

2. Honeymoon feelings feel short-live because we have baggage

Some people are good at hiding their baggage while others have no idea they have baggage at all.

When a guy says “Yes” to the pretty girl standing by his side on the wedding day, he has no idea that he is also saying yes to the girl that was bullied in high school, yes to the the girl that was beat up by a boyfriend.

You have no idea you are saying “yes” to his scars, his heartbreaks, his addictions and bad choices that left him deeply ashamed.

Marriage is a place where we begin to unload our luggage. The honeymoon years consist of two people beginning to come face to face with issues and hurts they didn’t know existed.

Some pains and issues will only be surfaced by a spouse.

So instead of bailing out at the first signs of trouble or the moment the honeymoon feelings take a dive, we should roll up ourselves and get growing.

What do you do when the honeymoon doesn't last? How can we make the early years of marriage easier? Here are 3 ideas to help

3. Honeymoon is hard because in marriage we need God more, not less

I did not understand the depths of my sinfulness until I got married. As a single I was the active church girl, poured out in service to God and others.

The early honeymoon months began to reveal a person I did not know existed.

The Bible calls it iron sharpening iron.

I called it distractions.

As I came face to face with my responsibility phobic, childish, easily-angered side of me, I had a finger firmly pointing in the direction of my husband. I blamed him for my un-christlikeness.

After all I did not have marital messiness before marriage!

But God wanted me to turn that around. I wasn’t saved any less as a married person. I was just more knowledgeable.

Marriage is a refining tool and we begin to feel the edge and refinement immediately.

You get married and begin to need God in brand new ways. And that’s God’s plan! It’s not that He doesn’t want you to have a great time in marriage and continue to nurture that honeymoon feeling.

He wants you to have a strong healthy marriage that will last a life-time. But that sweet thing we are looking for comes through being sharpened and molded into His image.

And that’s why I think the honeymoon years of marriage can be messy!

Many times it’s not because there’s something horribly wrong or you married the wrong person. Sometimes it’s simply because you married a person. Not an angel.

And if both spouse keep praying, keep believing and (very important) keep working on the  relationship, they can create a marriage that feels like heaven on earth.

Christian marriages have an advantage because we have the Author of marriage on our side. Being a Christian is not insurance against trouble but it’s a guarantee you’ll have Christ by your side helping you get to a better place.

If you have not committed your life to Jesus or He is not Lord of your life and marriage, I encourage you to try Him.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. Romans 10:9 – 10

Tell me, how have the honeymoon years played out for you? What has been the biggest lesson of your marriage so far? Lets chat in Comments!

Are you madly in love with a man who drives you crazy some of the time?

I have covered this areas (and much much more!) in my book  Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years. I wrote this book specifically for the newlywed wife who longs for a great relationship but struggles to develop the mindset and habits needed to grow a great marriage. If you are an imperfect woman married an imperfect man, this book is for you. Buy it here Amazon I Barnes & Noble I PDF.

Linking with Wedded Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday

Image by Saksham Gangwar on Unsplash

17 Comments

  1. This was really encouraging. I’m 10 months married and it’s been off and on, I feel that I’m sensitive because she tends to poke fun and call me out when I make mistakes but if I do that to her then I’m talking about her or calling her stupid so I don’t even feel like I can joke with her. Sex is lackluster, she has fibroids which cause pain during sex so I understand that but she doesn’t try to do “anything” else to get intimate. It’s getting very frustrating. I know that I could be more loving and that’s my focus now. I came to a friend about a recent argument and he asked me if it was worth getting a divorce over and I said no and he said that it’s not worth it then. Your article made so much sense to me and I plan on applying this to my thoughts on my marriage. Thank you.

    1. Mel, I am so glad you have decided to do your part in getting your marriage to a healthy place. Not sure if your bride reads blogs or if she has someone to talk to. It would be helpful for both of you to be working towards a common goal. You can get resources and you read together like “the good girls guide to great sex” book by sheila gregoire and “sex savvy: a love making guide for wives” by J parker. They have tones of information on how to create a beautiful relationship both in and outside the bedroom and information on what to do when sex is painful. Wishing you God’s blessings and thanks for reading.

  2. I don’t have these ‘honeymoon’ years as you call it, it was more like only the length of our 3 days away from hearth and home…without any sex whatsoever. Being the naïve virgin with strong Christian background, I assumed those first few months it would ‘just happen’, but it’s been almost a year now and we’ve only touched the subject twice in all that time. It never seems like the right time or place or circumstance (and I know it will never be) to bring it up again, let alone try anything. Granted, we do spend a lot of time together doing things we enjoy like going on dates and so on, as well as cuddling and kissing, but that’s as far into a ‘honeymoon’ phase as we’ve gotten. It’s very discouraging to feel the lack of what we had those 3 days, added to an obvious lack of privacy due to living with an in-law for the moment, as well as my personal struggle to talk about it with my spouse. I know nothing will ever be resolved by just praying in often complaining manner or crying in frustration and depression, but I feel like I am the only one bothered by the fact we haven’t had sex and aren’t trying any of the things we discussed on our second conversation of the subject. Maybe they’re waiting for me to broach the subject or try something, but I really have no idea what I’m doing any more than they do…help?

    1. Sarah, I am sorry to hear how things are in your marriage. It’s not healthy for your relationship to stay at this place. I want to point you to resources that will help you in your journey towards wholeness.

      You can start by reading my articles on sex – Also you can check out these 3 books on sex and intimacy

      1. “25 questions you’re afraid to ask about sex love and intimacy”

      2. The Good Girls Guide to sex”

      3. Prayers for new brides

      Please check out this blog by Sheila Gregoire – Its a blog on sex and intimacy in marriage and how to work through difficulties.

      You can also check out hotholyhumurous blog by J Parker which teaches sex and intimacy by God’s design.

      I pray you find help through one of these resources. God bless you and yours

  3. Reignite the spark that brought you together, end arguments, and live a happy and fulfilling family life with the person you truly love…

  4. Anastasia Safee says:

    Great topic. We really do go into marriage with rose tinted glasses, don’t we? No one really prepares you how hard it can be. We really need to drop the expectations and rely on the Lord. Oh and grace! Giving each other grace is key! I hope this post reaches a lot of engaged and newlyweds!

  5. I’m so glad you’ve written this post, Ngina! It’s one that I hope every newlywed reads. Marriage is so very hard–especially since it is made up of two flawed and sinful human beings. Thankfully we have the Lord who can bind us together–regardless and even because of our flaws. I know that I’ve bonded to my husband more and not less because of his irritating imperfections. God’s used those as refinement in me that has drawn me closer to Christ and to my hubby. Love your words here, girlfriend! I hope you’ll link this post up at Wedded Wed!

    1. Beth, amen to binding BECAUSE of our flaws! We rarely see it that way! (I know I don’t always see it that way) But its so true, without my hubby’s imperfections, i would not see how much I need Jesus and would not change as much as I have, or at all! Thanks for reminding us of this truth! So so important.

      I did not link up this week, i was a bit caught up and didn’t get there on time (aka early bird! lol) I will link up next week though! Bless you for hosting this amazing bloggy party!

  6. I have only been married for 5 months (I dont use only lightly), this could not have summed up everything we have experienced better! The struggles we have gone thru have had us questioning if we have even made the right decisions because we are SO different even in our perspective of life. Having a partner who is a believer in the most powerful God helps us to know that we are not doing it alone, we are walking this thing out with HIM.
    I was a single mom for 11 years and used to managing money, house, and children all by myself; the step-back has been a difficult ride for me. I have learned in this short time that I hadn’t always put my faith in God to handle situations because I was busy handling them myself. Finding trust enough in God to lead my husband in the right direction has been challenging for me almost everyday mostly because I was depending on my own strength for so long and didn’t know it until it was exposed after marriage. God is so gracious and merciful that he has used my marriage to mold me and shape me, as you mentioned above.
    I see the change God is doing in our lives individually but also in US as we continue to work to become one. So grateful for your candid-ness in this blog and your desire to just bring truth that most people don’t speak of all of the time.
    Blessings
    Melissa

    1. Melissa, it’s powerful what God’s been teaching you. its really amazing the things we don’t know until we are on this side of the altar. I too am grateful that He doesn’t leave us to our own devices, but helps us become greater in Him, and together. Thank you for sharing your journey, I know it will encourage others. Cheers to being molded and shaped!

  7. Christina and I just took 4 days away without the kids! It was a mini honeymoon after 19 years of marriage. What can I tell you? Those getaways are much more precious to us now then they were 15-19 years ago. We know each other and I don’t think we have any of those false presumptions, which makes life much more pleasant.

    1. Caleb, your comment is such an encouragement. During the foundation-laying years, it can feel as though some things will never change. its awesome to read that it does! Grace + effort + time will produce marvelous results in marriage. Thanks for sharing. It’s always wonderful to see you and Christian enjoying yourselves..such an inspiration.

    2. Very encouraging! I pray that me and my wife enjoy our outings as much.

  8. Alicia Wiemeyer San Nicolas says:

    Exactly! And as far as the depth of knowledge of each other before the wedding – even if you did know each other really well, the trials of life and the baggage that each of you carry along with sinful nature all can combine to make a bad situation worse. In my own experience, even with the the premarital counseling notebook and five other books that my hubby and I worked through before the wedding, we still hit a lot of bumps in the road that could have totally derailed us. Throw in children and the fact that parenting is a learning situation with its own trials, and it can make for an overwhelming situation. My husband and I have been married for ten years and have four children. It’s been more work and less honeymoon than I expected. Realistically, we will be working on our marriage for the rest of our lives, but with God’s help we will grow!

    1. “Realistically, we will be working on our marriage for the rest of our lives” How true is that, Alicia!! I know it sounds really drub for someone but its the truth. There’s no happy without effort. The only way to enjoy the fruit of marriage is through consistent joyful EFFORT! Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

  9. Highly Favored says:

    “Being a Christian is not an insurance against trouble but it’s a guarantee that you’ll have Christ by your side helping you get to a better place.” Perfectly stated. I enjoy your nuggets of wisdom and insight you share about marriage. God bless your ministry.

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