As you may have noticed, I’ve been writing more posts geared towards singles and those contemplating marriage.
Why save marriages before they start
I am always amazed when, on a very hot day here in America (over 90F/32C ), someone will inadvertently say to me
“You must be comfortable in this heat ..cos Africa is hotter than this, right?“
It’s amazing the ideas people have about a continent they’ve never visited.
Where the only “clue” they have is what they watch on TV.
In the same way people who are not married can have extreme inaccurate views about marriage.
Some will imagine that marriage is a vast hot desert of difficulties and others swing to the other extreme – think it’s a vast bed of roses.
Now as marrieds, we can either sit back and allow all the misinformation to continue.
Or can perk up and say “hey you know what, I am married and I have some real truths. Forget what you see on TV”
As a married person, you can bring perspective and sanity to all the craziness going on in the world today.
It’s not a ministry, it’s responsibility
Now I know, you did not sign up for “marriage ministry” – you don’t feel ‘called’ to this kind of thing.
Frankly, neither do I. I don’t feel called to marriage ministry and neither did I sign up for anything.
I got married, period. And began opening my mouth, whenever opportunity presented itself, to share what I was learning.
I don’t think we “sign up” for some of these “ministries”. We just make choices, and these choices come with sought of responsibility.
Being married, doing things God’s way, makes us “experts” on something.
And we owe it to ourselves and to others, to share what we know.
Perfection not needed
Sometimes we hold back from sharing what we know because we feel unqualified – our marriages are imperfect.
Let me just unburden you, perfect relationships turn off singles too.
No one wants to hear that you don’t struggle, that you’ve figured out everything and life is perfect in marriage lala land.
You don’t need a formal pulpit to share what you know. Opportunities are all around us.
There are curious and hungry (angry too) hearts and minds in your family, church, work place. Conversations are happening everywhere.
Teaching can happen in the least likely moments – like that ‘relationships drama/scoup’ that takes place in most offices.
An idle conversation with a single person.
A loopy conversation on marriage (that you’d normally avoid) on social media.
Opening your heart and home to singles for fun, food and fellowship.
Working hard on your marriage in order to be an example to others!
Am not saying that marrieds are know-it-alls who should impose themselves on others.
Am just proposing that we need to become more open and willing to share the truth we know.
All it takes for evil to triumph..
Sometimes all it takes for evil to triumph is for a good man/woman to say nothing.
Am not being negative here but I don’t think the world will suddenly wake up and decide to do marriage God’s way.
I actually think that it will continue to stumble along that proud path which unbridled disobedient defiant flesh loves.
But if we married people, those who know God and enjoy doing marriage His way, begin to talk to our circles and share the truth we know, we can make a real difference.
If we stop thinking about the crowds and start thinking about the one person we can influence, we make a real impact from the bottom up.
Then will not have to shout ourselves hoarse when the world bashes marriage and commitment, because we’ll be making a difference right where it matters – in our families and communities.
Question – What do you think, can marrieds do a better job of sharing and teaching Godly marriages to our world? How can we do that? Please share your thoughts in Comments
Ps. For all marrieds, I hope these singles-themed thoughts can provide good conversation points. Share them with your single friends/family/acquaintances. (Find a list of other Singles-geared posts here).
Also share your wisdom in Comments! I always put out a question at the end of an article and many readers read the comments. Your wisdom and insight will help many.
* After I wrote this post, I came across a post by Paul Byerly (of The Generous Husband blog) and he shares similar thoughts on taking responsibility from the roots. You can read the post here.
Yup we are sometimes guilty of making marriage seem like it’s all hard work 🙂 My experience has been that the “fun” part doesn’t seem to need any fanning at all, it’s the difficulties where people need encouragement! 🙂
Also we honestly just need to stop fearing hard work, work is good! lol. i agree with you, good hard work yeilds great stuff, it’s all worth it!
haha.. I love how you started the post.. =p Anyway, I believe we should share good things about marriage. You talk to married couples and all they tell you is that marriage is hard. That’s just half of the story.. Marriage is happy and sad. Tears and joy.. It’s not all that bad. But it’s worth it! =)
The best way we can do this is through example. Showing young singles how to act and behave while being married. We need more Christians setting the example. Great thoughts!!!
That’s true Dan, we need to be WITNESSES!
AMEN!
Some great points…I think it can be such an honor to live marriage authentically in front of others. They see the amazing moments…and the ones that help us become more like Christ. I have learned that though I want to speak of my spouse in an honoring way at all times, I can still be honest about how we are growing, what we struggle with, and what we are learning. It is helpful for me to hear that from others, and my hope is that those who are not yet married will see that it is real life…but if you are both grasping Christ in one hand and your spouse with the other you can do it and it can be fun!
You have such great points Summer. I love this “if you are both grasping Christ in one hand and your spouse with the other you can do it and it can be fun!” It’s all about Letting others see that with Christ, they can do all things. That’s how we grow as well as encourage others. Thanks so much for sharing that, blessings to you.
I like to do a few sessions of counseling with the bride and groom before the wedding. I found that rather than inviting them to my office sometimes it’s better to invite them into my home so they can get a glimpse of our our marriage and family works. I also invite my wife to do the counseling with me I feel like there is a lot missing if they only get marriage counseling from me, thankfully my wife also enjoys the opportunity to minister and encourage the young couple.
Caleb, that’s exactly how our mentors did premarital with us 🙂 We had a few formal sessions in the office but the rest of our meetings (many!) were informal – their homes, over coffee and such and wives were equally involved. As a “graduate” of this kind of counseling/mentoring, i confirm it works! 🙂 It has deeper lasting impact.
Ngina, thanks so much for sharing!! Our marriages MUST tell the truth about God to the watching world. I love how you share so intentionally!!
Stopping over from http://www.intentionallyyours.org via Wedded Wednesday.
I love this Sherry “Our marriages MUST tell the truth about God to the watching world.”. Can I tweet that? (ok done! 🙂 ) Great word. Thanks for that encouragement
Dear Ngina
How I enjoyed this post! And I agree that we who have been through the marriage mills, can in so many ways help the strugglers along the way! After 28 years, I can finally say that my Hubbie and I are quite comfortable with one another. I once heard the story that when a couple fall in love, you sooner or later get the engagement ring. After that follows the wedding ring and after the wedding ring, follows the SUFFER ring!
Blessings XX
Mia
🙂 that’s a funny quote Mia, yet am so glad that we who have experienced God’s grace in marriage can shed some light and truth into the last portion of the quote! 🙂 We have so much to share and give to others. Thanks so much for passing by and bringing a smile to my face this morning 🙂
Great post, Ngina. I think a key factor in both portraying godly marriages and teaching people to prepare for marriage is helping people understand proper expectations. So many come into marriage with improper expectations (I know I did). Thanks for your great thoughts.
Wrong expectations is a big one Dave! My friend Beth, who runs a blog called “Messy Marriage” calls it mess- pectations. 🙂 that tendency to create little messes with our expectations. Certainly a big area to address.
I have noticed a lot lately that people ask us for advise. Especially since we will be married 16 years in Aug. Not that I am an expert by far!! I am stumbling thru this like everyone else. But the one thing that I always say is “We made the vows before and to God”. We are humans and we make mistakes. But we work on it because we made the vows and we love each other and our daughter.
We are spiritually unequaled and that makes it a bit more difficult. But I take it to God.
I like this statement Amy “we work on it because we made the vows and we love each other and our daughter” . it comes down to sticking to the commitments we made, doesn’t it. Doesn’t mean it;s easy but the perspective keeps us anchored.
I was listening to an author lately talk about how he could only think of a few marriages in his life that he truly wanted to emulate. It was convicting because everyone wants to be like that, but are we really making those steps – and then are we consciously leading others towards that too?
A great thought to think on Loren..
David, i love this – “one of the biggest things hurting us is that we fail to share our shortcomings and what we learned”. I’ve learned that when it comes to success, most people want to learn HOW you got there – it’s always about the process. Holding back on what it takes to build a great marriage is a great disservice. Great thoughts, thank you for sharing
Your posts (and blog) have inspired a post I hope to publish next week about how I used to view marriage and how God has graciously changed my attitude.
Keep on posting!
oh TC, amen and bless God! I am looking forward to reading it and learning!
I’m nervous about it. Not my usual post, ya know 🙂
🙂 I know!
Yet if there’s somebody who knows to share and share well, it’s you TC. You don’t just write, you minister.
Much grace to you!
That’s a high compliment, I don’t feel worthy but thank you. Have a blessed night.
I read Paul’s post recently and your words reminded me of his thoughts, Ngina. I do feel that there’s much that we can do one individual, one couple at a time. But I must admit that I often feel that isn’t enough. I’m “greedy” to influence more and take for granted the impact I can make on one person’s life. So I’m grateful for your words and how you’ve shifted my perspective, my friend. I’m also thankful for how you’re adding to the ongoing discussion about how we can meet these needs better.
Beth, i think you and I and many get into that boat 🙁 Sometimes we have a good grasp on the importance of one..only to loose it at some point..for me it always happens when i start to focus on growth exclusively. I am signed up for this learning class for life so, this discussion is good for me too! 🙂
Hmm, that was interesting, Ngina – I hadn’t thought of it this way before: “Sometimes we hold back from sharing what we know because we feel unqualified – our marriages are imperfect. Let me just unburden you, perfect relationships turn off singles too.”
I like that! Maybe I will have to begin sharing some marriage advice. 🙂
haha! you would have a lot to share Barb! I doubt any of us have it perfect.
It’s something i remember from my own single days as well as interactions with my single friends. “Perfection” makes marriage appear unachievable.
Kendra, I am happy the post helped you think on the impact to unmarrieds as well. Thanks for reading and sharing
A good marriage must start with a commitment to stay in the process of learning to prefer the other. There is not much romance in this process, it is work but will reap benefits that will take a marriage through just about anything. It is the living for ourselves that will destroy a marriage.
Learn to fight the good fight…against the enemy who wants to destroy you and your spouse.
“There is no much romance in this process…” That’s true Betty 🙂 There’s often zero romance in hard work, but the hard work bears great fruit and romance!
Excellent post. It is funny how we look at a 15 second clip on TV and determine that is how
things are. Instead of spending time to get to know and understand a person, place or situation, we let a brief clip shape our mindset. I believe we can share and teach Godly marriages by being upfront and real about the work it takes for a lasting marriage. And let others know the importance of the assignment God has for marriages and that is To become one flesh until death do us part.
Amen Bernard, these are great truths. We err when we seek short cuts and short processes, when we take the easier route instead of applying ourselves. There’s so much to learn, for “the teacher” and “the taught”.
Excellent advice. We do have responsibilities to our Father to share His truth and marriage was His design. I also think that the significant change in others comes from the one on one contact that you’re writing about. It’s just reinforced from the pulpit… People don’t care how much we know until they know how much we care…
So true Floyd, the one-on-one has the biggest impact. We can’t rely on the bigger platforms (e.g pulpit) to do what we need to be doing on the ground level.