Blame in marriage is so common it’s like breathing.
Taking responsibility? Not so famous.
My dad was a tough disciplinarian and growing up, I learned to toe the line without question.
But I happened to have his strong personality, so mostly I would obey my parents on the outside while resisting on the inside.
While obeying our parents is good and necessary in childhood, I carried the “parent-child” mindset into adulthood – I stuffed my feelings and followed rules to please authority figures.
Instead of talking and sharing my thoughts and opinions (and I have many of those), I toed the line but inwardly felt hurt and oppressed.
And it spilled into my marriage.
Blame in marriage – how I sabotaged our marriage
One time my husband and I were having a heated discussion in the living room. I was pushing all his introvert buttons and as most introverts do when pushed, he reached his limits.
“Will you just just go to the bedroom!” He snapped in exasperation.
I curled back, as if physically lashed.
Did he just send me to the room, like a little child?
I was furious, even as, funnily enough, I stood up and went to the bedroom without another word.
Later as we worked through the initial conflict I shared how I didn’t like “how he sent into the bedroom like a child”.
My husband was surprised.
He did not see it that way, like he sent me off somewhere.
He needed space to think and just be. So he asked that I give him space. He did not remember commanding me to do anything.
“Why did you go to the bedroom if you didn’t want to?” he wondered.
“I went because you asked me to!”
“Well, you didn’t have to.”
His last line set me off again. I felt like he’d hurled me under the bus again. But by then, God had began to deal with me and help me explore my “hurt little girl” tendencies.
Where I retreat and act like a child instead of an adult and I blame others for my hurt feelings and hurtful situations (that I had a hand in creating)
I don’t have a very neat conclusion to our story, mainly because I am a work in progress, but I do want to leave you with some thoughts.
Blame in marriage and why we act the way we do
Why do you respond the way you do?
Sometimes we don’t explore why we respond the way we do because we believe that’s who we are. Our response systems are so ingrained they’ve become a part of us.
But when we vow our lives to another, the proximity and daily grind of doing life together begins to rub and expose areas of hurt.
At this point, we have the option of rethinking our default response systems. Or blaming our husbands for triggering us.
You see, marriage is a school. It will stretch and grow everything that can be stretched and that has the potential to grow.
When we feel wronged, threatened, hurt or afraid and instead of automatically believing it’s our husband’s fault (which is easier), it is better to take a step back and do a heart inspection.
A self-inspection does not mean your husband is right and you are wrong. It simply puts you in a better position to solve whatever issue is on the table.
God is so big and so loving He can use everything, even the things meant for bad, for our good.
Ps: Abuse, adultery and abandonment are not God’s design for marriage. Indeed, He can grow you in spite of these things but He does not mean for these things to happen to His children. If you are in an abusive marriage, please get help. Get to a place of safety immediately. If you have been abandoned or he’s adulterous, please find a counselor to help you with your next steps.
But it requires honesty with God and ourselves. .
We have to be ready to ask hard questions. And be ready to receive tough answers.
When my husband said I did not have to leave the living room, I got mad all over again!
But eventually I had to confront myself: I did not have to leave. I could have slowed down, maybe tried to clarify his question (which I thought was a command).
We probably needed to give each other space, but I (or he) would have left the room less upset and fearful.
When there is blame in marriage and creating a healthier mindset
I am learning that to have a healthy marriage, I must pursue health for myself.
It’s easier to pursue my husbands health though – I did it for long.
But to have a marriage that shines and drips Jesus, I have to grow up too!
Conveniently piling your fears on your husband, dredging up the past and making it a reality in your home, reacting from fear instead of confidence in Christ, will not deliver the wedded bliss you are looking for.
Conveniently piling your fears on your husband, dredging up the past and making it a reality in your home, reacting from fear instead of confidence in Christ, will not deliver the wedded bliss you are looking for.Again, self-inspection does not justify a wrong or borderline habit.
But my reactions are my own responsibility, the health of my relationship is my responsibility. Until I own up to my end of the marriage, we’ll have two people standing in the way of growth.
When I explore where I have failed, there’s one less person standing in the way.
I explained to my husband how his words and tone of voice made me feel and he saw where I was coming from. I was able to see how my past was influencing my responses and thereby stop blaming husband for my wounding.
And we did this because we stopped focusing on the other person and took ownership.
I believe that when we are honest with God, He’s then able to help us overcome things we have no ability to overcome by ourselves.
In the past, I would have stuffed that episode and exploded down the road. But God took me on a journey – helping me link the past to the present and charting a course for the future.
How about you? What areas need more self-inspection and less husband-inspection? Where do you need to stop blame in marriage?
I love something my friend Beth shared the other day
“If you find yourself on a speck hunt in your marriage, it’s probably because your suspicions are misdirected and you’re inspecting the wrong spouse.” - Dave Harvey {See Mt. 7:3-5}“If you find yourself on a speck hunt in your marriage, it’s probably because your suspicions are misdirected and you’re inspecting the wrong spouse.” – Dave Harvey {See Mt. 7:3-5}
Tough, huh?
May we become better self-inspectors.
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Madly in love with your husband but suspect marriage can be better?
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This is very empowering and liberating in that it sheds light on subconscious behavior and attitudes that we cling to. As @messymarriage:disqus said, “I love your vulnerability and self-reflection.” Thank you. I’m sharing this with my womens’ ministry.
I am glad this blessed you Kimberly and thanks for passing it on to the women. Understanding why we do what we do is so key for a healthy life and marriage.
I totally agree @nginaotiende:disqus.
Well, aren’t you sweet to give me a little shout out! And I love your vulnerability and self-reflection, Ngina. You and I are on the same path–realizing the best and really only way to improve our marriages is to let God change us! Hugs to you, girlfriend!
Beth, it looks like God has us on similar paths. It’s so nice to have another witness! Hugs to you!