Should a wife pursue her husband?
While many wives will answer “yes” to the question, their actions say different.
You see, it’s not uncommon for the burden of pursuit to lay squarely on a husband’s shoulder.
And for wives to get upset when he “drops the ball.”
How I know that? Because I am guilty!
My husband works from home some of the time (as I do), and recently, I realized I don’t adjust my work schedule to accommodate him when he’s home.
I’ll be holed up in the study most of the day; only come out for lunch and quick breaks. Since my husband is busy, it seems okay.
But a few weeks ago, I did something different.
He was working from home and when he wasn’t busy, I hang around his work area. I sneaked in and lounged next to him while he worked.
On his lunch break, I sat on his lap and we chatted and laughed. At some point, I took a nap next to him…and woke up and continued talking!
It was such a fun day for me.
Fun and refreshing because I took the initiative, instead of doing what I typically do; waiting on him to do most of the “checking up” as I work in another room.
Pursue Your Husband
It’s probably different for you, if you or your husband don’t work from home.
I am still hoping to inspire you to be intentional about pursuing your husband, however that looks like in your marriage..because great couples pursue each other.
Typically husbands take the lead (if he doesn’t, read this post) and set the tone in the relationship. God mandated this servant leadership (Ephesians 5:22-30 and 1 Corinthians 11:3).
My husband has learned to set the tone in our relationship. In fact he does such a great job that I have come to expect it. I almost feel entitled.
If I am in the study and he’s in the living room, I’ll be expecting him to drop in every now and then to check on me, ask about my work, rub my head, peck my cheek.
When he doesn’t, I’ll be thinking “what’s going on today?”
Pursuit is a a two-way street
But a great relationship is a two-way street. It’s two people becoming one. I do my part and he does his and we fly on both wings.
Husbands too want to feel wanted and needed and valued. Most love to give..in fact one of their biggest satisfaction is a happy wife and a happy family. But they too need their batteries recharged.
A husband will love it when his wife takes intentional steps towards him as opposed to him having to do all the work and sacrificing.A husband will love it when his wife takes intentional steps towards him as opposed to him having to do all the work and sacrificing.
Pursuing your husband might be a new thing.
Perhaps it doesn’t sit well on you because, hey, he’s the guy and last time you checked men did all the heavy lifting!
I once thought like that.
In fact, I thought I’d go ahead and get an ally so I asked my mentor “Who’s supposed to do the calling and texting in our marriage?”, fully expecting her to say “Of course your husband. It’s his job!”
I think she must have looked at me and thought “Oh child, you got ways to grow!”
This is what she told me instead, “You both are supposed to text and call each other. Call him too.”
It does not all depend on your husband.
If you make it all about him – he has to call you, kiss you, initiate sex, buy you gifts, organize dates – all.the.time – you miss a big opportunity to grow your marriage. Even if your husband is amazing and never seems to ask anything in return.
How to pursue your husband
How you pursue your husband might be different from how I pursue mine. Different guys, different strokes ; )
My husband does not mind me hanging around his work space (when he’s not busy), but yours might be irritated to smithereens!
So you need to figure out what makes your guy feel valued and important; those little and not-so-little ways that make him feel like a million bucks because you took steps towards him, instead of waiting for him to pursue you.
Things that would bless him, things that you don’t normally do, areas where you tend to lay back.
Just an example, when you go to the stores, ask him if there’s anything you can bring him – or pick up his favorite snack.
If he’s running an errand outside home, go with him. Initiate intimacy. Or spice it up. Plan a date. Join in his favorite past time (but first ask!). Go out of your way to do things that you don’t normally do.
I can’t pursue my husband
Maybe you are reading this and thinking “Good for you, you have a great husband and a great marriage. We don’t have it as good”
I hear you. My husband and I waded through our own messes. I know it’s hard to be nice and kind and wonderful when you are not even talking to each other. I know!
But I want to encourage you to stretch. He might not be as nice, might not notice or reciprocate. But you know what, we do marriage for Christ’s glory, not for man’s accolades. We have to set our gaze a little higher than earth.
Your marriage will benefit from your sacrifice and stretching, as you do it unto Christ. (Ephesians 5:22)
Maybe you haven’t fixed a meal the last two nights because you’ve been so mad. Fix his favorite meal tonight.
Maybe he doesn’t help with the chores and the weekends are tense because of that (dreaded) chores list. Why not let him off the hook this weekend? Don’t fuss about it, just pick up the responsibilities you can?
(Obviously you need to have more conversation but I guarantee you, good conversations won’t happen when you start by making your husband feel like a failure.)
Ultimately, our goal and hope is make pursuit a habit in marriage, not something we do once in a while. But we have to start somewhere, right?
I hope this week you’ll go out of your way to tell your man “You are special, I will go out of my way for you, You do so much for me and I want you to know I am equally invested in this relationship”
Question – How will you pursue your husband this week? What one thing can you do to show him he’s special? What have you done in the past?
Tired of the fussing, fighting and distance? Want to restore joy, healing and happiness in your marriage? It’s possible! And my book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After In The Early Years will set you on that road. Buy it here Amazon Paperback I Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF
Linking with Wedded Wednesday, Wifey Wednesday