Dear Wife, You Don’t Have to Settle
Wives, you don’t have to settle.
I want you to know that you don’t have to settle for less than you deserve in marriage.
God’s “baseline” (standard) is higher than you’ve been taught. He puts the responsibility of behavior and growth on the individual, not their spouse.
It’s not your job to “help” your husband out of his addictions, his adolescent behaviors, entitlement, or other destructive habits.
You can be supportive of his journey to wholeness. You can desire his change and pray for him. You can have those hard (but safe) conversations. You can stand by his side as he pursues recovery and starts to display the fruit of repentance. You can eventually work on the marriage end of things.
But being supportive of him isn’t the same as taking over.
Standing by him isn’t the same as carrying the weight of his choices and consequences. It’s not the same as being his God or Holy Spirit. A spouse who has the problem must own up to it and do the work. Not you.
I want you to know that you don’t have to settle.
Because you’ll be told to.
You’ll be regaled with stories of women who “fight for their marriage” and be asked to do likewise do. (“All women go through these issues, why do you think you’re different?” “All marriages are hard.” “All happy marriages have women paying the price.” “Pray, submit, and be patient. God always answers, it just takes time.” “Your suffering honors God and you circumvent His plan when you try to change things.”)
Women have their reasons for setting, and this post is not about judging or shaming that choice. Please read this post “But Why Doesn’t She Just Leave Him?” 40 Reasons Women Stay in Destructive Marriages
But this is for the individual who wants more but has been told men need women to become better husbands and overcome sin.
This is for women who’ve been told that a wife can save her marriage through more prayer, submission, sex, making needs smaller/ignoring them altogether, having little to no expectation of her husband.
This is for the woman who’s been told that she is the guardian of her marriage, and if she quits, she’s breaking up her marriage. (SHE. Not her spouse who won’t address addictions, entitlement, harmful immaturity, and abusive behavior.)
Wives you don’t have to settle: So here’s what I want you to know.
Men are fully capable of being safe and healthy human beings.
All by themselves without the help of women. Christian men (or at least men who deserve that name) are not immature, sex-obsessed egomaniacs.
Perhaps that little voice in your head or heart that says “there’s got to be more than this” is freedom calling your name.
Perhaps it’s God inviting you into new depths and revelation and possibilities. Small steps. Like telling yourself that it’s okay to stop taking responsibility for stuff that’s not yours.
Knowledge, individual experience, is power. They can shift your beliefs. And a changed belief system can radically change your life or marriage or both.
So talk to God. Allow His Spirit to lead you. YOU can hear God.
Out of everyone who wants to speak to your marriage, you are the only one who lives your reality. Trust God’s leading. Get into trauma-informed therapy. Fight for yourself because if you don’t, nobody else can.
Unholy Fruit: Guide to Discerning Toxic Character Workshop
Are you in a chronically problematic marriage? Or perhaps you know someone who is and you desire to support them.
In this Workshop and Checklist (affiliate link), Coach Sarah McDugal empowers your ability to discern the Fruit of an UNholy spirit. If you have felt confused by the dissonance between someone’s pious words and their exploitative actions, this workshop offers clarity and some possible next steps in your healing journey.
It’s how it’s affecting you that speaks volumes. Of course, your church wants you to stay married because it makes them look and feel good.. They don’t care about the cost to you or your children. A man who abusive/neglectful isn’t a good father either. The children can’t get what they need from an absentee father and a beat down mother.
Therapy for an abusive marriage only reinforces the notion that ” it takes two when it only takes one to destroy a relationship. Some men destroy their wives loudly with their fists and threats while others ignore and withhold. Abuse is the fault of the abuser not the partner. I think your time may be better spent getting support for the trauma he’s causing you and strengthening you instead of trying to “save a marriage” that is akin to slavery.
I have so many questions. I’m in a confusing situation. I’ve been married 11 years. We have three kids ages five, three, and one. We go to a conservative church that does not believe in divorce. I am very unhappy in the marriage, but I can’t say that what I feel like I’m getting from my husband rises to the level of abuse. Although I want to leave, I feel stuck because of our kids. I feel really bad for them. But there are just a lot of little things. What complicates matters is that I am not perfect either. My husband works full time, goes to school part time, but still takes care of cooking dinner and he does about half the laundry. And he takes care of baths and bedtime with the kids. I’m a SAHM. I’ve been depressed so I have been finding it hard to find the energy or motivation to take care of the house. Objectively, my husband is a good man and a good father. The kids love him. I think what I feel from my husband is coercion for sex and weaponized incompetence regarding housework. And then just a bad attitude towards me – simmering anger and annoyance. And lack of hygiene/taking care of himself physically.
So here’s my confusion: can I expect more from him? Am I justified to be annoyed when he puts my 100% silk blouse in the regular wash? When he puts my 5yo’s clothes in the 3yo’s closet, and vice versa? When he doesn’t wash properly, so that when he sits in a chair and then gets up the chair smells bad? When he is grumpy with the kids?
I’m sure his list of what’s wrong with me is a mile long too. I have a therapist, and I’m on antidepressants. We are also in couple’s therapy, but I don’t see anything getting better.