The “marriage is hard” talk can be irritating to the unmarried person.
It was irksome to me when I was single.
Back then I was sorting my own issues and I didn’t want to hear that life could get any more complicated.
Now it’s my opinion that we marrieds can always do a better job of presenting a more balanced picture of marriage.
Nonetheless and after a few years of marriage, I’ve come to see how marriage can be both awesome AND hard.
There’s nothing wrong with having those two things in the same sentence.
And so this why I think marrieds (or at least this married!) talks about the harder part of marriage;
1. Fun doesn’t need fanning
In marriage, the fun part doesn’t seem to need much fanning.
When my husband wakes up in the morning and fixes my favorite breakfast (oatmeal with almond milk or toasted bread with eggs and tea), makes the bed, cleans up the kitchen and mentions we are going out for dinner, this girl doesn’t need any encouragement to be enthused and on fire for her man.
My response to his sweetness is automatic.
It’s when he doesn’t do those things that I need to be fanned in the right direction.
And am not talking about fixing breakfasts and taking me out – even though being an “acts of service” girl, such acts make me very happy.
I am talking about the harder stuff of marriage.
We hear the hard talk because we need it.
We need to know it exists before we get there and we need to be encouraged once we get there.
2. We need to stop being afraid of hard work
One of my favorite Jim Rohn quote says
“The problem with drifting is that no one drifts to the top of a mountain”. (Click to tweet that)
We just have to stop being terrified of anything in overalls and needing work.
Honestly most good things in life come as a result of hard work. Even what we got for free (Salvation) cost God everything.
We must open up to the possibility that marriage will require more growth, investment and intentionality than we have been exposed to in our single season.
You can’t drift through marriage (the same way you can’t drift through singlehood).
You must wear new work boots to get to the top of that marriage mountain.
3. We need to learn new things
There’s no expert that started off as one.
They all learned their way to more skill and expertise. In the same way we all grow and get better over time.
It’s okay not to know everything right now. In fact it’s okay to be a little terrified that you don’t know it all right now.
Fear can be healthy when linked to certain experiences because it can help you make better choices.
In my college days and before I became serious with the Lord, I loved challenging men to the point of physical confrontation. But it didn’t take long to work out the math.
1 college guy + 1 girl = thorough whooping.
I became wise, very quickly after just one confrontation.
Some of these “hard talk” messages can help you slow down and prod you towards better choices.
It’s also good to understand that you don’t have to process and make sense of everything right away.
Whenever there’s over-saturation of such information, just file it away in your “For Later” folder.
Question – Is it important to talk about the hard stuff that makes marriage work? How can marrieds present a more balanced picture of marriage? Share your thoughts in Comments!
I love the quote about the mountain, Ngina. I love climbing mountains, and although they’re a lot of work, they’re also thoroughly worth the work. You have to be willing to make sacrifices to get to the top. I can see that analogy with marriage. It would be interesting to look at what sacrifices you need to make to build a good marriage – have you ever done a post on that?
Barb, It’s nice to be affirmed by a real mountain climber 🙂 I’ve done a little hill climbing and i agree, it’s worth the effort.
I i don’t think I’ve done a post on the sacrifices of marriage, not directly anyway. Thank you for the thought and inspiration. I’ll be thinking and putting the thoughts together and hopefully they’ll show up in a post soon 🙂
Hello Ngina and thank you for that wonderful insight because many are the times i hear negative stories about marriage to the point I wonder if i ever want to get married but i love the way you have honestly put it out and i think life in itself is not just a walk in the park. Why do we work so hard at our work places but when we go home we don’t want to be bothered? Growing up was challenging but every lesson was important for growth and attitude determines everything. So yes i do believe it is important to talk about the hard stuff but look at them positively knowing that how we handle them determines how our marriages turn out..
Sheila, thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your thoughts and insights so much. After writing the post, at some point i felt like my tone was a bit harsh on singles 🙂 Am glad to know it helped, that it wasn’t that off!
Love your wisdom here. That insight on working hard in the office and somehow thinking we can get away with less work at home is so on point. Thanks for sharing that.
Yes – hard work + unconditional love. I think the hard works gets our expectations in-line – which makes facing the big challenges easier!
I like this: hard work + unconditional love. Definitely makes the one flesh journey sweeter!
A marriage or relationship requires work to remain thriving. Talking and working through the hard things of marriage allow each person to be stronger and lead to a thriving marriage. But I do think it should be balanced with the good and joyful times. Great thoughts!
That’s true Dan, marriage is not all hard work, and we should be sharing the glorious joys too.
I think it’s quite important to talk about the hard stuff in marriage. I think it’s helpful when it’s presented alongside the joys – but if no one ever hears about the real struggles in a real marriage, then they’re set up for disappointment if and when they marry.
Excellent point Loren – too much of something is not healthy and we need keep that balance. Thanks for that addition.
I’ve always like the idea that anything worthwhile is going to take some hard work. I think the amazing thing about marriage is that if you put the hard work in you get way more in return.
True Caleb, we do reap more than we put in! We don’t have watch and weigh that giving basket 🙂 God’s mathematics are way better than ours.
That’s true Ngina… all kinds of relationship needs hard work and teamwork to make it successful. It’s not easy but worth it! 🙂
Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club Link Up.
That’s true Mai, not easy but worth it all! Thanks for coming by.
Hi Ngina. I followed your link from Floyd’s and I’m so glad to meet you. This is a very true post. My husband and I almost made it to forty years. He unexpectedly passed away just the month before that long awaited anniversary (5 years ago). Yes, marriage is a lot of work; but the rewards out-way the work a thousand times. Goodness, I love this quote: “The problem with drifting is that no one drifts to the top of a mountain”. May I borrow that please?
Thank you for dropping in Betty, so good to have you here. I am so sorry, i can’t imagine how difficult this was and am thinking still is..forty (almost) is a long time. esp to this five year old 🙂 So many more lessons.
Feel free to borrow that quote! It’s a great one. Blessings to you.
I’ve been thinking about Christian marriages lately. Recently I saw a Christian couple have a small spat in public. I actually wanted to congratulate them on that. I think far too many Christians put on a show for others. It can make it seem like married life is a bed of roses without the thorns. Baby Christians and newlyweds need to see older married Christians have conflicts and resolve them in an appropriate way.
Loved the marriage post you wrote sometime ago TC. None of us have it perfect, we are all growing and getting better!
Thanks, Ngina!
I love the honesty here Ngina. And yes marriage is hard AND awesome. I personally am looking forward to many more years of hard and awesome marriage.
Me too Mike! And alot of times it’s the hard times that make marriage even more awesome.
We need to have open and honest conversations about the hard stuff in marriage. When you bring two different personalities with different backgrounds, up bringing and ways of doing things in attempt to be one flesh, you will encounter turbulence. Most people get caught up in planning a wedding instead of planning for marriage.
For real…paying $30,000 for a wedding when that could have been a good down payment on a house!
wow $30,000 is a lot! I can think of something else … a school for our Orphanage in Kenya (with $10,000 change to spare!) 🙂
I had a friend that spent about $35,000 to $40,000 on their wedding. It was a waste of money. They could have took most of it and put down on a nice home.
That’s true Bernard, I know we struggled to focus on the relationship once the planning got underway…but we had straight-as-a-key mentors who wouldn’t allow us to waver! (That’s why courting couples need mentors)
We missed a mentor couple in our first few years of marriage. If we would have connected with a seasoned couple, I believe we would have avoided some of the trouble we went through. I advised couples to have mentor couples in their lives. Now we have couple of mentor couples.
It’s very important to talk about the hard stuff in marriage, Ngina, but also can be unpopular, since many who are struggling don’t want to be challenged. They feel overwhelmed as it is–not knowing that undertaking that hard task will strengthen them for the task they feel burdened by! I just have to say, you are so wise, my sweet, young friend! I stand in amazement at where God has brought you in such a short time and how much you’ve allowed Him to use you! We are blessed because of it!
oh Beth you have such kind and sweet words for me! It’s his grace and mercy, no much wisdom in this head and heart of mine, just grace and mercy from above. am blessed to be amongst the band of women and men – like yourself and others – that share the lessons they are learning.
I agree with you, when people are going through a hard time, counsel can be hard to receive. been there, as am sure many people have – the last thing you want is one more ‘to do’ or ‘to be’ weight on your burdened shoulders. And it’s so true, the very thing we try to resist is the very thing that can help us along faster!
Great thoughts and words, thank you for coming by and sharing your wisdom, i always appreciate.
The gratification is in the process… I think it’s that way with most things. If something requires no effort then there will be no value attached to it. True love is long term actions… You always make me think! Painful! Thanks, Ngina.
So true Floyd
No effort almost always always means little to no value attached! We often miss that in our search for an easier route to the top of that mountain!
Haha…”No one drifts to the top of the mountain”. That’s a zinger right there. Great post as usual Ngina. That hubby of yours is so inspirational…tell him I said so. Well, as this site suggests, a great marriage is not a result of drifting, it is intended! Thanks for sharing.
I love love that quote Lance, always ‘zings’ me to the right direction whenever i think am having it tough and rough!
Yes, this one of mine is a blessing from God, not perfect (neither am I) but perfect for me. Glad he’s an inspiration! (but you know what he’ll say to that..lol!)
Yeah, I know that he will say I am the inspiration right? Haha. Once again, great article. All singles should read this.
You got that right!