Is your spouse wrong or just different?
Recently I read an article where a wife described how her husband had neglected his spiritual leadership role in their home.
I read up her challenge and how vexed she was and slowly began to identify with her.
Her thinking and expectations, to be exact.
I have in the past defined how leadership in my marriage (and a host of other marital roles) ought to look like.
And of-course gone ahead to demand my version and preference from my beloved.
The lady and the wallet
Recently my husband was changing a tail light at a parking lot when a lady approached us and asked for three dollars for gas.
As she talked I was taking in the little details; the small flecks around her mouth, her dressing, her fast mannerism, quick words.
Everything within me was screaming “Con!”
My husband on the other hand, had paused from his work and was looking at her the way you’d look at another human being who needs help.
Within moments and and before I could put in my question (or two), he had his wallet out, counted some money, gave it to her, waved away her thanks and went back to work.
It was not the first time I’ve felt like a deer in headlights; unable to wrap my itchy mind around his generosity.
Good givers always examine motives (or not)
While I consider myself a “generous” giver, I am still very much the “deductive” giver, the one that wants to examine motives, probe deeper and apply breaks as necessary.
My husband on the other hand likes to live out Luke 6:30.
He “give (s) to everyone who asks (him)…” (Brackets mine)
And he listens well, he’s friendly, asks genuine questions and treats people with respect.
Obviously that creates a little problem for me because I believe that good givers (nay good stewards) examine motives, always ask questions, say no.
And that’s what I expect of my husband, the leader of our marriage, our chief earner and example.
Setting ourselves up to fail
I’ve learned that so often we set up ourselves to up to fail because we are rigid in the way we perceive things and the way we expect our spouses to be.
Specifically how we expect them to play their roles in marriage, even life. Like me and my idea of how givers ought to be, we have the roles down to tasks and behavior.
The problem of course is that usually our spouses will also have their own version of what it means to carry out that role.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with encouraging growth in our spouses when we feel there’s room for such growth and improvement (all though we must remember that such growth is a personal choice).
I do think however that when we hold our spouses hostage, demanding that they do things our way, refusing to see or acknowledge or express appreciation for the other ways they carry their roles and duties in marriage, we set up ourselves for a long long struggle.
Learning from each other
My husband has more fun giving than I do sometimes.
His heart is light, he doesn’t care that much about being right. He believes that attention and prayer are really important, not just money or substance.
A while back we decided that whenever we came upon a need and we had the means to meet it, we would ‘err’ on the side of giving; go with the person that felt generous, not the one that felt like holding back.
We’ve not perfected that yet, but we at least we have that basic understanding in place.
How about you?
Do you need of a fresh pair of eyes in your marriage? Do you need to start noticing and appreciating all the other different ways your spouse carries their role?
Maybe he’s not the social butterfly at church but he’s great at one-on-one connections?
Or the house is not as clean as you’d like it to be but she’s a great mom to your kids?
Me thinks that if we dared beyond our personal wants and preferences, if we broke the mold and ventured out of narrow perspectives, we’d be wonderfully delighted (and surprised) by our spouses.
Question: What do you think? Has changing your perspective impacted your relationship positively?
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A great read this is. His way of doing things aren’t wrong, they are just different…
Glad the post was a blessing Abbie 🙂
YES! I always love your posts, Ngina. There’s always spot on! My favorite acronym is AEOD: Accept Each Other’s Differences. That’s how hubby and I keep our individual selves but also love the other to pieces.
Love the acronym Fawn! Awesome way to remember.
Opposites attract 🙂 God most often pairs us up with those who we can learn from (and those we can teach).
That’s true Loren 🙂 We wouldn’t learn or teach much if we were the same.
Such a great post. Shared it on my FB page. Something we always need to keep aware of. Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks for reading sharing the post Scott, we certainly need these reminders.
Very true. We are all humans complete with flaws and virtues. Each of us has traits that make us difficult to live with at times. I feel that looking at my partner and our relationship as if I’d never seen it before is so cleansing. We get what we focus on. Find the good again and again.
This is great wisdom Rhiannon. I love this “find the good, again and again”
I just loved this post and could identify with the woman from the article – well, I did in the past. But I’ve since learned that our differences are what makes us a beautiful “one” for God. There is a lot more joy and freedom when we just let the Holy Spirit do His job – in the both of us!
Robyn am glad you identified! Amen to letting the Holy Ghost do the job in the both of us! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing
Great post! This is so true. It is something I am learning in my marriage. My husband does a lot different than I do and it’s not wrong,it’s just different. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I found you through Darlene at Time-Warp Wife.
Thanks so much for coming by Heather! I am glad these thoughts resonate.
I love this so much. Found you through Time Warp Wife. This is such a wonderful reminder and something I was thinking about last night as I contemplated a question from a reader.
I can also really identify with the example you shared of your husband giving freely to the woman whose motives you were judging. That’s so me and so my husband. I’m always left staring like a deer in headlights when he just opens his wallet and hands them his hard earned dollar bills! He has TAUGHT ME so much about what it means to live with an open hand and moving when the Lord says move instead of when my head tells me differently. His generosity is amazing and one of the things I love most about it!
Great post! So very well said!
Wow Leigh Ann, you live my story! You’ve described our life to a t on giving! You’ve said something interesting that i never really pause to think about when am busy inspecting other people’s motives – it’s HIS hard earned cash he’s giving! I know it’s “our money”, we really don’t have a distinction in our marriage, but the fact that HE IS the earner ought to bring a little more perspective my way 🙂 🙂
Thanks so much for dropping in from TWW and sharing your great thoughts, it’s so good to hear your experience too, it encourages me to press on towards growth!
I link to Fellowship Fridays too, thanks for hosting an awesome fellowship!
This is a really good post. My husband and I are different in this area as well. Sometimes we need each other to give balance to what we are doing, but other times we need each other to give us permission to give the way God designed us to give. Great post!
You’ve put it perfectly Gail, I love this “we need each other to give balance to what we are doing, but
other times we need each other to give us permission to give the way God
designed us to give.” In our case it’s often giving each other permission to give the way God designed us to give. Great thought and perspective, thanks so much for sharing it.
OK, I know you have been talking about a powerful topic, yet my comment will not necessarily be about that topic. My comment is about your husband! We were friends before you met him, and I can attest to the fact that he is a grand giver!!! You remember when I told you those days we would get into a bus and I would automatically know that he would pay the bus fare! To be honest, I have admired that level of giving so greatly. The more you talk about him, the more I miss him…and the more I know that we have lots of things to learn from him. Please keep writing!
oh he’s such an awesome friend to have, ain’t he? 🙂 🙂 Now I get to enjoy it all by myself! Lol. Yup he really is like that, i remember that from our “friends” phase when we used to go out with other buddies and he’d try to pick the bill all the time..and then he and I hit exclusivity and began going out and he’s been picking the bill ever since! He’s an awesome dude to have for life! 🙂
Thanks for that affirmation, makes my day Lance!
Amen Dan, it’s great when we recognize that these differences work for our own good, either way we grow 🙂
So true!
Love this, Ngina. When my husband and I went in for pre-marital counseling 30 plus years ago, we took the Briggs-Meyer personality test. OUr pastor said he had never seen two people who scored more differently on the test! That of course led to many “adjustments” in marriage – not all of them pleasant – but also so much great growth. I’m so thankful we’re different. It would have been a little scary if I’d married someone just like me – I’m afraid I would never have recognized my own sin!
Wow that must have been quite the revelation back then Barb! My husband and I were delighted by our similarities but not as thrilled with our differences!
Sometimes, esp when in the thick of uncomfortable situations, we can imagine that someone who’s a little bit more like us would help for a smoother ride, but that’s not the case!
Glad you can share from long experience and hindsight 🙂
I also think it’s kind of nice for the kids that we’re so different. That way they don’t get a double whammy of our faults. 🙂
That is definitely a plus Barb! I can only imagine getting a double whammy of my own dad or my mom…oh mercy 🙂 They balanced each other out perfectly 🙂
We have learned to use our differences to strengthen our marriage. It wouldn’t make sense if we were the same. I know I couldn’t live with someone who was the same as I. God designed us different to complement one another. Who would want to be on a team where everyone had the same skill set?
Awesome perspective and thought Bernard. I know sometimes we want our spouse to be on the same page with us on many levels but the deep down we really would not appreciate a carbon copy of ourselves! thanks for this perspective!
Great points about not wanting to be on a team where everyone is the same with the same skills. That would be a weak team. Great thoughts!
God gave me the perfect spouse. He compliments me in the right ways and challenges me in others. He’s great at forgiveness, I on the other hand sometimes want to see if someone has really changed before accepting their apology. He shows me true grace really should operate.
I’m so thankful God gave me my honey. He’s the perfect match for me!
I love how God pairs us up TC! I am so happy that our marriages were made in heaven (to be lived out on earth!). No one but God can bring a such a mix of personalities and blends and make all things work out together for good.
Girl…you better thank God He gave you such a good man!! lol
I love the honesty Ngina great post!
Lol..am super blessed Mike ! 🙂
My wife’s gifts and my gifts are very different. We knew that long ago. She is a nurse and has the heart for service to others in a natural God given way that I can’t begin to grasp, but respect immensely. Mine aren’t near as exciting, probably more like your husband’s, but the gift of encouraging others is sorely needed in this world. To see and treat each person as a life sent and loved by God is a gift we all need to polish. Thanks for that reminder, Ngina.
I say Amen to growth in the area of treasuring and looking at each life as sent of and loved by God. It’s a kind of love and acceptance the world desperately needs.
Though we are one, we and are spouse still act and think differently in many ways. I’m a keen observer (one of my strong traits) of things and it helps me get to know more aboout my husband more (his likes and dislikes). Knowing your strong trait plus a little love and optimism will help to understand our other half 🙂
Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club Link Up.
Mai, I love your perspective!
Love that last line “Knowing your strong trait plus a little love and optimism will help to understand our other hall” That’s a great statement to live by. Thanks so much for coming by and adding your thoughts.
My husband and I were talking about our differences just yesterday and how we perceive the wrong motives because we respond in different ways to the same situation. So your post couldn’t come at a better time for me to chime in, Ngina. I think this is something many couples miss and end up angry with each other when we’re really on the same page and don’t realize it. Great thoughts, my friend!
Thank you Beth. I love your thoughts on perception and how it influences
our actions/thoughts. I wish we could be as quick to assign right
motives and less quick to assign wrong one’s 🙂
That’s so true about
being on the same page. my husband and i love to give but there i was,
all caught up with the “hows”! Thanks for sharing these rich thoughts..
Such a great post. I think we have all been here. We can all learn from each other and this is why God gave us such great spouses that are different than we are, to grow with. Kim from Pouring Down Like Rain. You were my neighbor today at Marriage Mondays!
Thanks for coming by Kim!
Amen to growth, it’s not always pain-free but it’s always needed!
Great post! My wife and myself are very different from each other which ends up balancing us both out. I’ve seen our differences as beneficial because we can help each other out and give personal perspectives on different issues or topics. Thank for sharing this post.