Are We Being Too Pessimistic About Marriage?

Periodically, I get told I’m pessimistic about marriage, or I’m overly critical of husbands, or I’m setting unrealistic marriage standards.

All that because I approach marriage teaching through the lens of safety and health. 

But I’m not the only one: Everyone I know who prioritizes safety and health in relationships has been accused of not liking marriage or men.

And so today, I thought I’d be clear about what I actually do (and why) by going through the three “accusations”: pessimistic about marriage, overly critical of husbands and setting up unrealistic marriage standards.

On being pessimistic about marriage:

I teach the way I do because spouses need to know they don’t have to put up with bad behavior and thinking. That they can do something about it, and God won’t be mad at them. Marriage is not where decency goes to expire (or to become one-sided.)

There aren’t enough of us teaching from safe vs. unsafe, healthy vs. unhealthy perspectives. Just lots of marriage teachers showing couples how to make the marriage work. And there’s nothing wrong with that when it’s healthy and nuanced.

But I want more spouses to be equipped to discern when it’s not working. And to know they deserve peace, safety, fidelity, joy, hope, mutuality. They should not be begging for a safe marriage or getting slammed for desiring health and partnership.

There are marriage problems, and then there are individual problems. The difference isn’t always apparent in our Christian world, and I’m dedicated to speaking about the difference.

Are we being too pessimistic about marriage? On being overly critical of husbands:

“Criticizing husbands” is not my intent. My objective is to be clear that women are created in the image of God too.

That women are fully capable and deserving of healthy partnership. If my stance translates as criticizing husbands? The problem is not with me. 

Let me be more clear. Advocating for women’s needs does not invalidate the male experience. If you think it does, you just confirmed why advocacy is essential.

Are we being too pessimistic about marriage? On setting unrealistic marriage standards: 

A good, safe marriage is not an unattainable standard. It will feel impossible when we’ve been taught unhealthy standards. So changing our understanding and behaviors will be difficult.

But it’s possible. (If it weren’t, Christ would have said so?) So that’s my goal here. To encourage self-reflection, growth, fruit-bearing, and options where unrepentant harm is present.

Are we being too pessimistic about marriage? 

Many of those who complain about how I teach are harmful or immature themselves. Or they are currently enjoying a relatively good relationship.

To the healthily married, remember this: good news does not sound the same. When your marriage is safe and healthy, what speaks to you will be different from what speaks to someone in a chronically hurting relationship.

Stop projecting your good virtue. Understand that there are bazillion others, including in your own community, who are experiencing a different reality and need a different type of encouragement. Embrace all good news, not just the kind that speaks to you.

Marriage and faith

We need more people in safe, healthy relationships saying, “That’s not healthy” instead of “Let me pray with you (or other spiritual next-steps). 

More “I think a healthy dynamic would look like…”, less “Come to the women’s Bible study with me..”

Again, there’s nothing wrong with (wholesome) faith. But we also have a brain, emotions, and occupy space and time. Our marriages are a felt, lived experience. 

We need the type of engagement that affirms experience (the body always knows even when the brain hasn’t processed yet), stimulates critical thinking, and points towards clarity, courage, and wisdom.

Not spiritual offerings that sound great but are hollow and devoid of here-and-now application.

I’m not pessimistic about marriage. I’m not trying to drag husbands. I’m not setting up unrealistic marriage standards. I just have a high view of marriage and believe we can do better.

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