How “Do Not Judge” Is Misused in Marriage
Many Christian women have been taught that addressing harmful behavior or putting some expectations around change is “being judgmental.”
Because, after all, God says not to judge, right?
But what if that’s not what the “do not judge” verse actually means?
In my book, The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage, I take a closer look at this often misunderstood scripture and explore what Jesus was truly calling us to in Matthew 7:1-3:
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”…
…addresses unfair judgement.
These verses instruct Christian believers to stop making biased or unwarranted judgements of other Christians. The text doesn’t mean Christians can’t judge wrong behavior.
“Do Not Judge” Is Misused in Marriage
So, for example, it doesn’t mean you can’t call out hurtful treatment from a spouse or that “every argument has two sides.” Sometimes only one person is wrong, and their change is all the marriage needs.
If you’re in a harmful marriage (that is, abuse, traumatic dysfunction, criminal behavior, abandonment, or betrayal are present), Matthew 7:3 is not a charge to start working on yourself so that your spouse can stop being harmful.
There’s no amount of individual growth that can change another person.
Growth is a personal choice, and your spouse needs to get help and commit to change themselves.
You, on the other hand, have every right to call out that harmful behavior, require it to stop, and create a safe space for yourself.
A healthy marriage will not erase the individual or ignore their God-given rights and dignity.
A healthy relationship involves loving the other person as you also love yourself.
That means both spouses are practicing self-love and putting reasonable effort into caring for each other.
So the next time someone accuses you of being judgmental for expecting others to live by the standard of love, remember: Jesus never calls us to be passive or to tolerate harm in the name of love.
True love involves accountability – it calls us higher, not to be walked over.
And if you are looking for a marriage book that addresses problematic behaviors, patterns and theology without sugarcoating the issues while offering insights on how kind-hearted spouses can grow and learn..then The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness is the book for you. Check it out.
Tired of bad marriage books? Same.
That’s why I wrote The Newlyweds, a refreshing take on what actually builds connection in a relationship — no fear-based teaching, no self-erasure, no “just sacrifice more” messaging. It’s about creating a marriage grounded in love, honor, and care — and knowing how to recognize when things slip off track. It also makes a fabulous gift for your favorite engaged or newlywed couple! ORDER NOW.
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