Why Divorce Isn’t the Problem Christians Have Made It Out to Be
Is divorce truly a significant issue, or are Christians missing the point?
Many Christians feel that society is too lenient when it comes to divorce.
It’s common to see warnings like “God hates divorce,” “Divorce is not the solution to your problems,” “Divorce is the easy way out,” and “People need to take their vows seriously.” But is divorce itself the issue?
Last week, I came across an Instagram post from a marriage influencer who expressed that one of his goals with his popular podcast is to decrease divorce statistics. (This is the same podcast host who interviewed Kelley Steele and her husband, see my post from last week: What Does the Bible Say About a Wife Being a Helper? Gen 2:18.)
Reading his write-up made me realize how people of faith still don’t get it when it comes to divorce.
Consider this: nearly half of divorces in the U.S. occur for serious reasons such as abuse, life-altering addictions, abandonment, and betrayal. (Source) I suspect similar percentages exist worldwide.
Still many Christians look at divorce and think, “Aha, here’s the problem! We need stop divorce!” Related Post: God and Divorce – A Brief Exploration of Malachi 2:16 and Matthew 19:9
They see a group of people fleeing bad experiences – often hidden from view since most forms of abuse and chronic mistreatment happen behind the scenes – and lead with “Why did you give up? Did you try (insert stock marriage advice)?”
People present their ideas as if the individuals they are speaking to are not brilliant or capable enough to have considered all the available options.
In reality, faithful Christians are not trying to run away from healthy marriages. In fact, people of faith tend to fight the hardest and longest for their marriages. Because their faith instructs them to.
Plus, their pastors and leaders tend to be in the marriage-is-holy-divorce-is-bad- bandwagon, which results in partners feeling pressured to continue trying to “work things out.”
Why Divorce Isn’t the Problem We’ve Made It Out to Be
When a married person begins to question if their troubled marriage is worth the cost, other Christians should at least try to believe that they have made an effort.
I certainly get that some people want to help couples who are kind and good-willed but are lacking relationships skills and are freaked out that they won’t make it. I get that. However, there are ways to support people that do not involve demonizing the safe options for escaping harmful situations.
Because if we say we want to reduce divorce, like what are we even saying? Divorce is a consequence of underlying issues—it occurs because something else has gone wrong. Related Post: Dear Christians, Divorce is Not The First Thing She Thinks About (Here’s Why)
“Saving” marriages should not be a goal, at.all. Ensuring individuals can take responsibility for their behaviors and mindsets and bear lasting fruit is a more worthwhile pursuit.
We are not serving anyone by trying to save marriages because that approach basically sentences some people to servitude. However, if we drill down on the willingness to address behaviors and attitudes that hurt and expect long-term fruit, it benefits everyone.
We never have to talk about divorce as if its the transgressor. We can validate discernment, teach skills, and expect lasting fruit instead.
And that’s the approach I take with my book, The Newlyweds; Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage.
I don’t try to get people to stay married, rather I help them see patterns and explore how to move on from there.
Here’s what I write about differentiating between growth-related issues between two willing partners and chronic mistreatment by one partner.
“…even a good-willed spouse can be selfish, proud, and immature or fail to prioritize their partner sometimes. However, the difference is that such a person will want to grow and change so that they stop causing pain. Even in heated moments they will have a sincere aspiration to create a hurt-free, thriving marriage. There can be wounding in healthy but hurting marriages, but the underlying tone is one of genuine empathy and care for the other. Chronically hurtful or destructive marriages and spouses, on the other hand, have an ingrained pattern of wounding. There’s a drive, relentless and often subtle, to erase a partner or deny their God-given personhood and needs.” Excerpt, The Newlyweds; Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage by Ngina Otiende.
When discussing marriage issues, we can acknowledge the typical ups and downs of intimate partnerships—the stretches and pulls—without centering them.
We can talk about how to work through things when both people are kind-hearted and willing, and we can be clear that hardheartedness and unrepentance are absolutely unacceptable.
Divorce isn’t the problem Christians have made it out to be. People have a right to joyful, liberated living.
Are you tired of bad relationship advice?
The Newlyweds is like a one-on-one with a mentor and coach who validates the truth and doesn’t sugarcoat the hard stuff. If you are ready to build a marriage without hierarchies and learn to grow as equals, ORDER THE NEWLYWEDS HERE. (It’s an awesome gift for your favorite engaged or newlywed couple!)
Agree wholeheartedly. We want our marriages to reflect transformation and the fruit of the spirit, not to be whitewashed tombs where one partner drags the other through lifelong misery and dark loneliness. An abusive marriage is really a tomb inside. The coldness, the lovelessness, the obliteration one remark, critique, or “joke” at a time. You become a shell of yourself trying to just survive this hostile environment.
We cannot pretend that the symptom is the problem. So many ended marriages are due to overlooked and under-taught issues and principles. Women suffer disproportionately and are also blamed for not submitting, not forgiving. Nevermind any standards whatever for the husband. But husbands go through it, too. Either way the believing and loving spouse is often the one receiving blame and stock advice, which is belittling and dehumanizing and counterproductive.
Christian spouses should work shoulder to shoulder, not oppose and antagonize the other! Life is hard enough without a belittling hateful, spiritually empty dead weight dragging you down to their level.
I praise God for filling my cup in the face of my husband’s coldness; He has worked miracles in me when I was lowest, and given me spiritual eyes to see, when he hurts me most and is unfaithful, that’s what I do to Him when I embrace my sin and faithlessness. I am not grateful for being mistreated but I am grateful that God draws near me when it happens and lifts up my soul from sheol to worship and fellowship. God is faithful, even if divorce is not an option and I am grateful for how he carries me through. My husband won’t change, sadly. But God also won’t change, thankfully
Thank you, as always, for shining Biblical Light on the anctual issues!