Why Falling Out of Love Isn’t the Real Reason for Life-Saving Divorce

Is falling out of love the reason Christians seek divorce?

According to a well-known Christian marriage author, a loss of feelings is the primary reason married Christians pursue divorce.

His name is Willard F. Harley and I’m reading his book, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage” ahead of a podcast with Sheila Gregoire of Bare Marriage.

Willard begins chapter two by stating that his singular strategy for saving marriages is to simply restore spouses’ feelings of love for each other.

“I’ve never witnessed a single married couple in love get divorced…So my strategy for saving marriages has been to simply restore spouses’ feelings of love for each other. When that happens, their risk of divorce comes to an end.” ~ Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

The book has sold millions of copies around the world. He tells people that simply restoring feelings of love ends the risk of  divorce. Restoring feelings. And so I’m asking myself: Why did we listen to these marriage writers for so long?

I  know why: they presented themselves as the experts, boasting credentials and professional experience.And pastors and leaders pushed the books and teachings. And we didn’t realize that an author could have credentials and professional experience and still be completely wrong.

Newsflash: people obtain life-saving divorces while still “in love.” Falling out of love is not as common a reason for divorce – especially in faith communities.

The Real Reasons Christians Seek Divorce: The Perspective of the Suffering Spouse

Let’s explore Willard’s theory of fixing troubled marriages by helping married couples fall back in love.

Before we proceed, please note that he does not distinguish between destructive marriages and a relationship between two kind-hearted, growth-oriented, and willing partners. As far as I can tell, he’s addressing all marriages.

Let’s explore the viewpoint of someone who needs a life-saving divorce which is something the author strongly advises against.

Research indicates that nearly half of divorces (U.S.) occur for serious reasons, such as chronic abandonment, betrayal, abuse, and life-altering addictions. In these cases, “feelings of love” or devotion will not fix the challenges she faces in her marriage.

The life-saving divorce is not because she fell out of love, but because she determined it was unsafe to remain in the marriage as it currently stands. Willard’s theory is not only naive, but it is also harmful for partners in abusive, betraying, and neglectful marriages.

It’s actually quite traumatizing for someone living a soul-emptying, body-breaking existence to hear that “restoring spouses’ feelings of love for each other” will fix their dreadful circumstances.

The Real Reasons Christians Seek Divorce: The Truth About Chronic Irresponsibility

But maybe Willard is addressing the problematic partner, asking them to fall back in love with their partner. Of course, he doesn’t say that, but let’s suppose he’s addressing the erring partner.

Big problems with that view as well.

One of the problems is that he never addresses or calls out a wounding style of relating. A wounding style of relating is basically a crew of habits and ways of thinking that have become regular and entrenched (i.e patterns,) ultimately shaping how someone relates with their partner.

Individuals who engage in a wounding style of relating do not take responsibility for their individual issues or make lasting changes. That’s why it’s patterns: behaviors don’t change. Not for the long term anyway.

Ultimately, these partners believe they are entitled to remain unchanged. They often perceive themselves as being treated unfairly: seeing themselves victims, not the wrongdoers.

It is therefore accurate to say that someone who hurts others as a lifestyle, who shows an unwillingness to take full responsibility of their actions and work towards becoming a safe and healthy individual, is not having a  “feelings of love” problem.

The main problems they’re facing have less to do with feelings and more to do with their character, integrity, accountability, and capacity to be influenced.

In this part of his book, Willard fails to recognize that someone who exhibits hardheartedness and unrepentance to the extent that a life-saving divorce becomes necessary is largely un-influencable. Fixing feelings does not fix entitlement.

His “strategy” for “saving” marriages won’t work for chronically problematic individuals.

Why Falling Out of Love Isn’t the Real Reason for Life-Saving Divorce

I really appreciated the comments that came through after I first posted my thoughts on Facebook. I wish authors believed women! Many women shared their experiences after hearing and internalizing simplistic messages, like those found in “His Needs, Her Needs.”

Author and coach Sarah McDugal wrote: “You can be very much “in love” with someone who cheats, lies, neglects, and abuses — and still come to the conclusion that safety is essential.” ~ Intentional Today, Facebook.

Sarah’s comment reminded me of what Gretchen Baskerville said a few months back:

“Christian women don’t leave loving marriages. They leave abusive, unfaithful, or indifferent ones. And often they’ve forgiven over and over, and reconciled repeatedly. They aren’t quitters who took the easy way out. They sacrificed their well-being (and their children’s) to hold that marriage together in hopes that their destructive spouse would be won over by their good example.  A neglectful husband who wants to become a good person can be influenced, but those who like their marriage-endangering sin, will not be swayed by your godly life.” ~ Intentional Today, Facebook.

I’m really looking forward to my podcast with Sheila, where we’ll explore this and other problematic themes from “His Needs, Her Needs.” As I’ve mentioned before, caveats aren’t enough if the entire premise of a book is flawed. We’ll discuss that as well! I’ll let you know when the episode is released, so keep an eye out!