Why Falling Out of Love Isn’t the Real Reason for Life-Saving Divorce
Is falling out of love the reason Christians seek divorce?
According to a well-known Christian marriage author, a loss of feelings is the primary reason married Christians pursue divorce.
His name is Willard F. Harley and I’m reading his book, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage” ahead of a podcast with Sheila Gregoire of Bare Marriage.
Willard begins chapter two by stating that his singular strategy for saving marriages is to simply restore spouses’ feelings of love for each other.
“I’ve never witnessed a single married couple in love get divorced…So my strategy for saving marriages has been to simply restore spouses’ feelings of love for each other. When that happens, their risk of divorce comes to an end.” ~ Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.
The book has sold millions of copies around the world. He tells people that simply restoring feelings of love ends the risk of divorce. Restoring feelings. And so I’m asking myself: Why did we listen to these marriage writers for so long?
I know why: they presented themselves as the experts, boasting credentials and professional experience.And pastors and leaders pushed the books and teachings. And we didn’t realize that an author could have credentials and professional experience and still be completely wrong.
Newsflash: people obtain life-saving divorces while still “in love.” Falling out of love is not as common a reason for divorce – especially in faith communities.
The Real Reasons Christians Seek Divorce: The Perspective of the Suffering Spouse
Let’s explore Willard’s theory of fixing troubled marriages by helping married couples fall back in love.
Before we proceed, please note that he does not distinguish between destructive marriages and a relationship between two kind-hearted, growth-oriented, and willing partners. As far as I can tell, he’s addressing all marriages.
Let’s explore the viewpoint of someone who needs a life-saving divorce which is something the author strongly advises against.
Research indicates that nearly half of divorces (U.S.) occur for serious reasons, such as chronic abandonment, betrayal, abuse, and life-altering addictions. In these cases, “feelings of love” or devotion will not fix the challenges she faces in her marriage.
The life-saving divorce is not because she fell out of love, but because she determined it was unsafe to remain in the marriage as it currently stands. Willard’s theory is not only naive, but it is also harmful for partners in abusive, betraying, and neglectful marriages.
It’s actually quite traumatizing for someone living a soul-emptying, body-breaking existence to hear that “restoring spouses’ feelings of love for each other” will fix their dreadful circumstances.
The Real Reasons Christians Seek Divorce: The Truth About Chronic Irresponsibility
But maybe Willard is addressing the problematic partner, asking them to fall back in love with their partner. Of course, he doesn’t say that, but let’s suppose he’s addressing the erring partner.
Big problems with that view as well.
One of the problems is that he never addresses or calls out a wounding style of relating. A wounding style of relating is basically a crew of habits and ways of thinking that have become regular and entrenched (i.e patterns,) ultimately shaping how someone relates with their partner.
Individuals who engage in a wounding style of relating do not take responsibility for their individual issues or make lasting changes. That’s why it’s patterns: behaviors don’t change. Not for the long term anyway.
Ultimately, these partners believe they are entitled to remain unchanged. They often perceive themselves as being treated unfairly: seeing themselves victims, not the wrongdoers.
It is therefore accurate to say that someone who hurts others as a lifestyle, who shows an unwillingness to take full responsibility of their actions and work towards becoming a safe and healthy individual, is not having a “feelings of love” problem.
The main problems they’re facing have less to do with feelings and more to do with their character, integrity, accountability, and capacity to be influenced.
In this part of his book, Willard fails to recognize that someone who exhibits hardheartedness and unrepentance to the extent that a life-saving divorce becomes necessary is largely un-influencable. Fixing feelings does not fix entitlement.
His “strategy” for “saving” marriages won’t work for chronically problematic individuals.
Why Falling Out of Love Isn’t the Real Reason for Life-Saving Divorce
I really appreciated the comments that came through after I first posted my thoughts on Facebook. I wish authors believed women! Many women shared their experiences after hearing and internalizing simplistic messages, like those found in “His Needs, Her Needs.”
Author and coach Sarah McDugal wrote: “You can be very much “in love” with someone who cheats, lies, neglects, and abuses — and still come to the conclusion that safety is essential.” ~ Intentional Today, Facebook.
Sarah’s comment reminded me of what Gretchen Baskerville said a few months back:
“Christian women don’t leave loving marriages. They leave abusive, unfaithful, or indifferent ones. And often they’ve forgiven over and over, and reconciled repeatedly. They aren’t quitters who took the easy way out. They sacrificed their well-being (and their children’s) to hold that marriage together in hopes that their destructive spouse would be won over by their good example. A neglectful husband who wants to become a good person can be influenced, but those who like their marriage-endangering sin, will not be swayed by your godly life.” ~ Intentional Today, Facebook.
I’m really looking forward to my podcast with Sheila, where we’ll explore this and other problematic themes from “His Needs, Her Needs.” As I’ve mentioned before, caveats aren’t enough if the entire premise of a book is flawed. We’ll discuss that as well! I’ll let you know when the episode is released, so keep an eye out!
We deserve marriage resources that don’t suggest the main reasons Christians seek divorce is simply falling out of love. We need books that acknowledge feelings of love cannot fully eliminate the possibility of needing a life-saving divorce.
Tired of bad marriage books? Same.
That’s why I wrote The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage, a refreshing take on what actually builds connection in a relationship: No fear-based teaching, no self-erasure, no “just sacrifice more” messaging, no “feelings will fix your bad marriage” tidings. It’s about creating a marriage grounded in love, honor, and care — and knowing how to recognize when things go off track. It’s time for marriage books that are evidence-backed, healthy and safe. Check it out here
PS: If you’ve already read The Newlyweds but haven’t had a chance to leave a review on Amazon, I’d greatly appreciate it if you could! Reviews play a big role in helping other readers discover books and decide if it’s the right fit for them. Plus, they help the book reach a broader audience. Please leave your review here. Thanks so much for your support!
Ngina, I respect the work you’re doing to bring attention to the lived experiences of those in harmful marriages—especially in faith communities that have too often minimized abuse, betrayal, and emotional neglect. Your trauma-informed lens is essential, and I’m grateful for your advocacy on behalf of those who’ve been hurt by poor teaching or misapplied marital advice.
That said, I think your critique of His Needs, Her Needs lacks a bit of nuance and risks misrepresenting both the intent and utility of the book. Harley’s model is far from perfect, but it was developed with a specific audience in mind—couples in emotionally safe, low-conflict marriages who have grown distant or disconnected, not those enduring chronic harm. To suggest he’s addressing all marriages universally ignores that context and, frankly, muddies the discussion.
You raise valid and necessary concerns about how this book—and others like it—have been misused in churches to pressure people (especially women) to stay in destructive relationships. That misuse is serious and worth confronting. But it’s a stretch to claim the entire premise is fundamentally flawed just because it doesn’t apply to every situation. Not all marriage struggles are rooted in toxicity or entitlement. Some couples do benefit from practical frameworks like Harley’s, especially when both parties are willing to grow.
There’s room in this conversation for both perspectives: trauma-awareness and relational tools for couples with goodwill. What’s most dangerous is not the existence of Harley’s model, but when pastors or counselors apply it blindly, without discerning the nature of the relationship dynamic. That’s where harm is done—not necessarily in the pages of the book, but in the refusal to tailor counsel to the realities people are living.
Thank you for what you’re contributing to the conversation. Just hoping we can be equally discerning in how we critique—and not lose sight of the fact that some of these tools, when applied appropriately, do help.
I get that this book has helped some people . I also firmly believe that authors don’t have to cause harm to help others.
Harley does not say his book is for “couples in emotionally safe, low-conflict marriages who have grown distant or disconnected, not those enduring chronic harm.”
That’s just us reading into his intentions.
What he does do (among other things) is give assurances over and over again that his methods are 100percent successful. Without ever stating that they actually don’t work in unsafe, abusive, neglectful, betraying marriages. And he gives illustrations that are clearly harmful and paints them as something that can be overcome by applying his methods and frameworks.
I believe that it is possible to write a book in a way that is clear and trauma-sensitve. Some authors have done it, myself included.
Example of that lack of trauma-lens and overall bad marriage teachings: In Chapter 3 he writes “But what if you really do care for your spouse, and yet your spouse is not in love with you? Care comes in many forms, and there are many ways that we care for those we love. If your spouse is not in love with you, and you really do care for them, it’s how you express your care that needs attention.”
See the problem here? It’s bad marriage teaching overall, and especially dangerous for someone in a harmful marriage.
I hope you listen to the podcast when it comes out! We’ll cover a lot more.
I hope you get a chance to listen to the podcast because it addresses this convincingly. The whole episode is very, very well done!