15th Wedding Anniversary – Reflections and Hope

Today’s our 15th wedding anniversary.

We started our marriage journey with one person allergic to difficult convos and the other attracted to them like a moth to a flame. Suffice it to say, it was a bumpy couple of years.

When I created Intentional Today as a marriage blog many years ago, I aimed to encourage couples to wrestle through the hard. To pray. To sacrifice. To believe in each other. To get help.

These approaches had worked for my husband and me and I wanted to pass along some of what we were learning in the hopes of helping others have a smoother start than we did.

The teachings bore fruit for some. But flopped for others.

Flopped because even at our worst, my husband and I were still healthily committed. We had empathy. We sought and stayed under accountability. We laughed. Cried. And had boundaries. We worked through big fears. We sought to take responsibility for individual issues and with time, growth and improvement were evident.

Years of marriage later, I learned that not all couples had our outlook when it came to addressing problems in marriage.

Yes, I’d known some things. Like if he cheated, or routinely left home and she didn’t know where he went, or hit her, or had zero boundaries with money or drink. Those kinds of things.

But there were other things.

Like when one spouse was bent on never changing but always appearing like they were. A spouse expecting the benefits of a relationship and very little, if any, of the responsibility.

Like those who showed up to church and loved the appearance of a good marriage but, in private, they were unwilling to do the work of making the marriage good. The angels in public and destroyers of the soul in private.

Spouses with a page-full of “things my partner needs to change” and not a single thing on their page.

Numerous marriages had problems that appeared similar to ours on the surface. But underneath the surface, their current was much, much different from ours—rougher, harder. Controlling. Persistent. Unrelenting. Corrosive.

So I changed how I approach things.

And here’s where I am at today: running with the truth that Jesus did all the saving human beings need.

Fully accepting that no one should feel pressured (directly or indirectly) to stay in a marriage where their soul, spirit, body, and mind are cut up, used and discarded. When a relationship demands the death of you as an Image-bearer, it’s a relationship no longer worthy of you.

When a spouse won’t do the work of growing and recovering and bearing the fruit of repentance… well, that’s on them. Because, free will.

Their spouse also has the same free will too. And they get to choose what to allow and not allow. They get to choose not to be a punching bag of immaturity, exploitation, recklessness and unlove. Read When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues (Clarity For Wives)

And we all should honor that.

15th Wedding Anniversary Reflections: My Hope

My anniversary prayer is that those who are healthily married will know they can come alongside those in hurting relationships. Read How Christians Can Stop Giving Bad Marriage Advice

I want marrieds to know they don’t need an intimate experience with a destructive marriage to join voices with those who have experience. That they just need a heart—a curiosity about how things look and feel from a victim and survivor’s POV.

If we believe in the goodness of marriage at all – how good it can be – our voices must be loud and unrelenting when hard-hearted individuals baptize bondage as marriage.

Couples in healthy marriages (ought to) have a high view of marriage and that view demands we call out the deathtraps masquerading as “normal marriages.” And creating a safe honoring space for those being harmed.

We need to be the ones saying

• Marriage should not feel like the ending of someone’s personhood. That a relationship does not void individual agency or autonomy. That a relationship should feel like peace and dignity. Like home. Home can be messy¹ sometimes, but we always clean up and take care of stuff, so it can continue being and feeling like home.

• Marriage is supposed to add to our lives, not take away from it. Spouses are supposed to pull together through life’s tough moments, not have one person dedicated to being the perpetual tough moment while the other absorbs it.

~

I first shared this post on Facebook in 2022. Edited and updated for 2023.

FOOTNOTES:

1. Growth-related issues between two responsible partners.

---

Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns

Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse:  A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns by abuse recovery coach Sarah McDugal outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. (aff) ACCESS NOW.