Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Spouse: How To Differentiate

Healthy vs. unhealthy spouse: how do you differentiate?

I often hear how hard it is to distinguish between good and bad marriages.

Married people struggle to discern if their spouse is actually trying to do better or if they have settled into routines of irresponsibility, entitlement, neglect, addictions, and other harmful/unhealthy patterns.

Today, I want to share some pointers to help with discernment.

Because far too often in our Christian world, spouses are told to hold space for their mate’s unhealthy or harmful ways. 

And while it’s possible to be present and supportive when a marriage is already mutual and honoring, where both spouses are reflective and genuinely devoted to each other and exhibit the fruit of repentance (long-lasting behavioral and mindset shifts), it’s an unfeasible expectation where one spouse is chronically irresponsible, neglectful, exploitative, addicted, deceptive or overall harmful.

It’s soul-destroying to attempt to be present and supportive when reeling from unending destructive ways of relating.  

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Spouse: Where’s the Love?

Interestingly, when Christians talk about love, we lay it on thick on the sufferer to give the love.

In our equation, the problematic individual is not quite taken to task for failing to provide the same things we’re expecting from their target.  

The point being, if we really believed that a healthy loving relationship requires both people to practice the tenets of love and display the fruit of the Spirit, that posture would be leading to the all-important question, “What if one spouse fails to practice love or display the fruit of the Holy Spirit (or show progress in and maturity in those virtues), what’s the other spouse supposed to do then?”

That would be a more honest baseline. 

Unfortunately, common approaches to addressing chronic marital and individual problems reveal we don’t really believe in accountability for both spouses.

What we believe in is the awful dynamic of reaping where you haven’t sown: where one spouse holds down the fort indefinitely, or they attempt to “cover” what the other spouse isn’t bringing to the table, or they die many small deaths so the relationship can live.

Unfortunately, where the dynamic of “reap where you haven’t sown” is normalized, bankruptcy awaits at the end of the line.

Again, if we really believed in love – and love includes accountability – we’d be reading Scripture from a lens of justice and fairness too vs. a lens of duty, domination, and obliteration of individuals. (If you struggle with fairness and justice as essential themes of the gospel, I encourage you to start with Jesus’s words in Luke 4:16‭-‬21. He is undoubtedly a liberator.)

In the Christ-centered view, people matter, and there are consequences to hardheartedness within community. 

“I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.” 1 Cor 5:9-13

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:9‭-‬13 NIV

Scripture does talk about what to do when people claim to be a brother or sister but never quite walk the talk.  As followers of Christ, it would serve us well to believe those parts of Scripture that speak of accountability and justice as much as we believe those that speak of love. 

It would serve us well to accept that married Christians don’t get a pass: they don’t get to practice remorseless unkindness, immaturity, disrespect, pride, unfaithfulness, and call it “the married life” because the married life is, in fact, the Christian life.

And in the Christian life, you get separated from community, (that includes your spouse) when you continue practicing exploitative, controlling, entitled behaviors.

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Spouse: How To Differentiate Them

The following is a simple commentary, not a diagnosis. Please seek the help of a licensed therapist trained in trauma and abuse if you need clarity. You can also click here (this is an affiliate link) to talk to a trauma-informed coach.

Let’s talk about the healthy vs. unhealthy spouse, safe vs. harmful spouse. 

Far too often, harmed spouses are pushed to persevere through dreadful patterns, baptized “routine marriage problems.” So let’s talk about how your average non-abusive spouse behaves, even in a hard season. We’ll do that by exploring how decent people actually conduct themselves, even in conflict. 

“Good-willed” or healthy couples can also have elevated conflict. They can wound each other. They can say hurtful things. They can be immature. They can have trauma. They can have unhealthy coping, soothing behaviors.

The difference between decent and harmful spouse?

Spouses with goodwill (aka good, decent spouses) don’t consider themselves above the limits of love. Their middle names are not “Irresponsible, “Entitled,” “Exploiter,” “Criminal” “Betrayer.” 

Overall healthy spouses are accountable. They are not an excuse pit. They anchor their lives on truth. They embrace reality vs. cultivating public and private personas to escape accountability. 

Healthy spouses listen. They receive their partners’ viewpoints. They are kindhearted. They empathize. They wrestle through stuff. They learn. They commit to something and follow through. They exhibit the long-term fruit of repentance.

Decent spouses are not a stone wall where all forward movement and improvements fall and crash to the ground. Decent spouses don’t say they are changing, and the next day go back to their vomit. 

Overall healthy marriages don’t have hardheartedness as an underlying system of operation. They don’t have remorseless patterns of entitlement, manipulation, and control. Overall healthy marriages experiencing normal marriage problems do not strip people of their personahood or make them question their sanity. 

If you’re wondering what a healthy marriage experiencing normal (not necessarily acceptable) problems looks like, I’m working hard to re-release some resources to help spouses navigate individual and marriage problems with courage and clarity.  Sign up for my emails or follow me on Facebook (@IntentionalToday) or Instagram (@nginaotiende) to know when they are out.

If you are trying to figure out if your marriage is harmful, I encourage you to seek trauma-informed help. You can also start by checking out the resources below:

Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns

Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse:  A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns by abuse recovery coach Sarah McDugal outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category, guiding survivors to break through the fog and assisting victims to remember and articulate their experiences. Access Now.

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Systems of Love & Honor: A Guide to Recognizing Safe Relationships

When mistreatment is “normal”, it’s hard to know what safe looks like. Systems of Love & Honor by abuse recovery coach Sarah McDugal illustrates simple, easy-to-understand actions and attitudes that reflect God’s intention for safe loving relationships. Access Now.