Why Christians in Safe, Healthy Marriages Might Just Be Lucky

Are Christians in healthy marriages just lucky?

How do two people following the same “courtship” path end up with different outcomes? How does one person end up in a safe, respectful, committed union while the other ends up in a wounding, betraying, abandoning relationship?

If faith doesn’t secure safety and long-term commitment, how should Christians think and act toward those in unhappy, unsafe marriages?

A few months ago, I came across Abi Akinola’s update on Facebook. Abi is a compassionate gifted storyteller who writes about hurting marriages and navigating separation and divorce. I loved her FB article so much that I asked her if I could share it with my readers.

So here’s Abi, wrestling with why some Christians are happily married, and others are not and why the general Christian attitude needs to change.

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It is no secret that Jesus did not particularly like the Pharisees. He didn’t seem to have a single good thing to say about them. He called them hypocrites and blind guides.

In one of his parables, he taught his disciples not to pray like the Pharisees, who loved to not only pray publicly but also beat their chests about how deserving they were.

“The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ “Luke 18:10-14.

As far as the pharisee in this parable was concerned, he deserved his good life. The tax collector, on the other hand, did not even bother justifying anything about himself. He was like, “God just have mercy on me…”

Why this story today? A few months ago on Instagram, I saw a post by a highly regarded Nigerian lady who has been in a long-term marriage. She said people had been asking her to start a marriage series. But she did not want to.

In her words, “How do you address people who have a ‘woke’ mindset about marriage – who see marriage as a disposable commodity? People who already have plans B, C and D even as they exchange their vows; People who are not accountable to anyone: People who want to be single and married in the same breath…Great marriages never happen by accident, they happen because the couples involved decide to make it work as long as no one’s life is at risk from the other.”

I quoted her verbatim here so that this is not a case of me misunderstanding her.

Christians in Healthy Marriages Just Lucky

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine called me.

She’s in a good marriage. Hubby is a good man. Takes good care of wife and kids. She’s a homemaker, but he hands a major part of their finances over to her because she’s good at managing things, and he’s good at making the money.

She told me, “I’ve thought about this thing (marriage), and I’ve concluded that those of us that ended up with good men were just lucky.”

I laughed and told her I also thought the same, but I was surprised to hear it from the mouth of someone in a good marriage. Because the average Nigerian Christian in a good marriage is very cocky and is sure they did something right, and that is why they ended up where they are.

The first lady I quoted was very mistaken in her assumptions. How many people does she know that entered their marriages with the mindset she so proudly laid out as the reason for marriages failing? Where are the statistics supporting her words? How many people in failed marriages does she know of who got married with the intention of getting a divorce later?

The truth is the actual statistics about divorce (in America) show that the majority of marriages that end do so for very serious reasons – Addictions, Violence, Abuse (physical, emotional) and a host of other things. A very small minority of marriages end for frivolous reasons, like the couple getting tired of each other. (See article)

Christians in Healthy Marriages Just Lucky: Why Marriages Fail

Considering Nigeria is a much more conservative society than the US, I can imagine that the number of marriages ending for frivolous reasons here would even be much fewer.

This is a society where people stay in violent marriages for decades. Decades. And it does not even occur to the victim in that situation that she can leave the marriage.

Only recently, with the high-profile Domestic Violent deaths, are people now beginning to accept that maybe people can leave abusive marriages. But even with that “acceptance,” emotional abuse still ranks really low in most people’s minds as a valid reason for leaving. They still say, “If he’s not beating you, then it’s not so bad.”

Even the lady who wrote the Instagram post I mentioned put in a caveat about marriages where your life is in danger. But at what point do people realize their lives are in danger? 

Because I know people who have been strangled more than once by their spouse, and they still didn’t leave until many years later. What if his weapon of choice – like my ex’s was – is silent treatment? Is your life in danger then?

For a Nigerian woman to say she thinks marriages are failing because people do not intend to be serious with their marriages in the first place is actually quite disingenuous. 

Marriages that fail in Nigeria fail for very serious reasons. And typically, there would have been many years of endurance. I even praise the people who quickly get clarity about how bad their situation is and leave these hellish unions immediately. 

There is no medal for enduring a terrible marriage for 20 years. None. You will be lucky to leave with your mental health intact.

If people understood the amount of grief, sorrow, sleepless nights, depression, anxiety one experiences before deciding to end a marriage, they would not be so quick to insinuate one is ending the marriage because one did not try hard enough. 

In fact, most people in my situation regret not leaving sooner. The major regret is typically about all the years wasted hoping for the man (or woman) to change for the better, not realizing that will never happen.

You Can’t Control Your Spouse’s Behavior

Think about it.

Two believers fall sick. Both pray. Both have faith. Both have a team of believers also praying along. One dies, and the other survives and goes on to live another 40 years. They both did the same thing. But outcomes were different. 

The typical Nigerian assumes one must have been a real believer and the other wasn’t. I think this is erroneous thinking. I think the root of this way of thinking is that we are only able to accept one outcome. A ‘good’ one.

There’s a scripture that says the believers believed “even unto death”. They believed God would deliver them, yet were executed for their faith by the government of the day. 

Even Jesus prayed before going to the cross. Begged God to take the cup away from him. What was the outcome? He was paraded naked on the streets of Jerusalem and executed, suffering not only massive public humiliation but the slowest, most painful, drawn-out death possible at the time.

The way I see it, our job is to believe. Have faith. And then we leave the outcome to God.

So I also prayed. I believed. But I ended up with a cruel man who pretended to be loving and crazy about me when he courted me. I even asked him to slow down, but he wouldn’t. He said he really needed to know if I would marry him because he was scared someone else would propose to me before he came back from National Youth Service Corps. (A one year service posting out of one’s home state which is compulsory for all Nigerian university graduates.)  

So I thought about it, “Well he seems like a good guy, soft spoken, and he really seems to like me.” I wasn’t getting a feeling that he was evil or anything. So I said yes.

Unfortunately for me, as much as I asked God to let me know if it was okay to marry this fella, I can’t control how another person behaves. I think everyone agrees God respects our free will. And I have to accept the fact that is how the world works.

God chose Saul to be king over Israel. The same Bible says God seriously regretted that decision. Because Saul turned out to be a stubborn, manipulative and conniving fellow. If God could “make a mistake” here by choosing the wrong person, why do we assume good Christians will never end up with terrible spouses?

Christians in Healthy Marriages Just Lucky: The Missing Piece

For those of you who beat your chest about how you ended up with your partner and how your marriages have lasted so long, I’m writing this so you can reconsider the way you think and speak.

Let your speech not be so filled with pride for your situation and condescension for those who got the short end of the stick in their unions.

If you’re like me today, feeling like the tax collector by reason of the way your life seems to have turned out, finding yourself in circumstances you could never have imagined for yourself, unable to even look up confidently at heaven anymore, and all you can whisper is “God have mercy on me “I want to encourage you that Jesus ended that parable by saying the tax collector is more justified than the Pharisee in the sight of God.

Your terrible situation is not because you didn’t pray hard enough or you didn’t do the right things. Bad things happen to everyone.

Doesn’t matter if you’re surrounded by Pharisees who, on the one hand, are cocky about their own great lives, or like ‘The Friends of Job’ who, on the other hand are convinced you must be the cause of your trouble. (Find new friends who will put some balm on your wounds and give you courage when you need it.)

In conclusion: Have compassion for your fellow human being. Don’t throw arrows at the hearts of others with your careless word.

About Abi: Abi Akinola is a Writer, Entrepreneur, Itinerant Preacher, and Instigator of Belly Laughs. You can connect with her on Facebook.

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