Why Pastors Need Accountability Too

Pastors and accountability is an uncomfortable mix for some Christians.

I’ve seen people (myself included) told, “Be careful,” “Don’t be so willing to throw the first stone,” or “It’s a slippery slope,” when they address a harmful Christian teaching.

It’s almost as if some Christians don’t believe church leaders are normal human beings who make mistakes and need to grow. 

And perhaps that’s why when mistakes happen, and faith leaders need to take ownership of their mistakes and instead of expecting growth, some Christians will pivot to why those dialoguing about the harm should do it differently and not at all. 

Josh Howerton

The last few days, Josh Howerton, an evangelical pastor, and his “gold nugget of advice” (his words) to his congregation have made the headlines online.

The viral “advice” was part of a sermon that he gave to his congregation last month at Lakepointe Church in Dallas, Texas. The advice went something like this

“Guys, when it comes to her wedding day, she has been planning this day her entire life. She got her first like wedding magazine when she was 14. She draped the blanket around her like it was her wedding dress when she was a teenager. She did the towel over her head. It was a little veil. All the stuff. She’s been planning this day her whole life. So here’s what you need to do, man. When it comes to that day, just stand where she tells you to stand, wear what she tells you to wear, and do what she tells you to do. You’ll make her the happiest woman in the world. “Now ladies, when you get to his wedding night, he’s been planning this night his whole life. So what you need to do is stand where he tells you to stand, wear what he tells you to wear, and do what he tells you to do. You’re gonna make him the happiest man in the world.” Rick Pidcock, Pastor’s wedding night advice to women opens a conversation on harmful evangelical teaching 

When people began talking about how toxic the “advice” was, many pushed back, “Wait, it’s not that bad!” “It was a joke, lighten up!” “He talked about men and women!” “It’s out of context!”

PS Watching the sermon “in context,” as some have suggested, does not improve the advice. It makes everything worse and actually underscores why pastors need accountability, not protection. (You’ll find a link to the sermon in Sheila’s post, linked below.)

I first saw a clip of the video when it was shared by marriage and sex blogger and podcaster Sheila Gregoire online. In her article summarizing the problem with Josh’s sermon, Sheila explains why messages like Josh’s are problematic. Here’s what she wrote in a follow-up blog post:

"In the wider context, (Josh) is saying: Men, you don’t have to take on ANY of the mental load, emotional involvement, or work of the wedding. It’s all on her. Everything. All you have to do is show up and do what she says. But then, at the wedding night, you get to act like a porn director and direct her every move so you get exactly what you want....Josh is promoting tropes that directly feed into a terrible condition that so many women in the church battle with (Vaginismus) –and he thinks it’s funny. In addition, about 50% of married evangelical men are currently watching porn, where men get to tell women where to stand and what to do." Check out Sheila's article When Evangelical Misogyny Goes Viral: “Stand Where He Wants You to Stand 

Why Pastors Need Accountability Not Protection

Unfortunately, messages like Josh Howerton’s are too common. We see them from organizations like Focus on the Family, church leaders/teachers/authors around the world.

When so many people speak up and say, “This harms,” rather than addressing and engaging with the issues in a way that eliminates the harm, many Christian authors and teachers (and their support systems) have perfected the art of making the conversation about themselves. 

They make sure to tell the harmed and their allies how they can be more understanding of them and how to do a better job of loving them. 

And I think many church teachers and organizations have become like a shop owner who sells bad water, and people keep telling them, hey, your water makes us sick, and you need to change inventory.

But instead of providing healthy, non-harmful supply, they make the story about the poor shop owner who is just trying so hard to serve the community with a life-giving item. When they could just change the supply to something non-harmful and healthy.

Listen…church leaders and anyone who decides to write a book or speak on a subject: it was never about us. This whole thing is not about us authors, organizations, or businesses.

It will never be about us because it’s always about those we said we wanted to serve. i.e., Those spending money on our products and services.

Unless we get ourselves out of our minds, we are not helpful. Scratch that; we are dangerous. And we’ll keep serving putrid water and singing loopy songs about how we are misunderstood AND THAT BLESSED PUSHBACK WILL NOT DIE DOWN.

Let’s not expect pushback to dial down if we don’t take ownership and revise destructive teachings. It’s the path we’ve chosen. The days of causing harm and getting away with it are gone.

It’s that liberation thing Jesus talked about (Luke 4:18). It is loud and will only get louder. If you don’t care for people, you can be sure that others do, and you’ll no longer haggle your wares unchallenged

If we’re staying up at night, others should be what keeps us awake: a deep concern for others and a deep exploration of how we can do better. We are not the victims here. 

Pastors Need Accountability Not Protection: What Christians Need to Accept

Here’s what I think Christians often miss but need to accept;

• If a pastor says something that doesn’t add up, “it” doesn’t add up. Period. Even if a pastor said it. Fact: It’s worse if a pastor says it because of the level of influence they have. See When Pastors Exploit in the Name of Christ

• If a message harms, it harms. It doesn’t matter who said it, “it” needs to be addressed. Addressing a bad message involves correcting said teaching.

• Public correction lets those who have been hurt know they are not alone. Public discussion also lets everyone know there is accountability and higher values.

• Disagreeing with a pastor doesn’t mean we hate God (and PS, God doesn’t seem to have a problem with questions. It’s those who benefit from mindless follow-ship who do.)

We’re all human beings with a capacity for growing and maturing, and when we think we’re above that because we have more people on our side telling us we’re okay, we’re the furthest thing from the Christ who prioritized the few.

Pastors Need Accountability Not Protection: How Western Christianity like Josh’s Harms Other Cultures

I’m Kenyan-born and raised. Western Christianity heavily shapes our Christianity.

In many places in Africa, local pastors look up to American pastors. Many are mentored and influenced by American church leaders. There are a bazillion church-based organizations on our continent, many of them under direct sponsorship of the US and Canada.

I spent fourteen years (over ten of those as a leader) in an evangelical fundamentalist church in Nairobi, the Kenyan capital. 

The church is still led by the white American missionary couple who founded it decades ago. The church though is “Kenyan” only by name; otherwise, it’s like any other white evangelical fundamentalist church in the States…just with Kenyan bodies. 

As I shared in the article Shiny Happy People – An African American Perspective, very few in the North America deconstruction/survivor spaces will consider how evangelicalism and fundamentalism has harmed other cultures. 

Generally, not many Americans consider the impacts of church teachers beyond their borders. Many Americans and Canadians are just happy to fund missionaries and projects with little knowledge of the effects of what is happening on the ground.

And so when I talk about the harmful teachings of American pastors and their impact outside America, it’s because I know firsthand how dangerous they can be when they are exported to other communities and mixed up with local culture and realities. 

Western high-control high-demand conservatism lands different in already conservative cultures, which sometimes lack resources to address issues like femicide, domestic violence, rape, abuse.

The tide is rising all over the world. And we in America need to get our beliefs right: And we need to listen and lament the hurt caused outside our borders. We need to listen. And we need to put an end to the mindless funding of missionaries.¹ 

Are you tired of religious refrains being used to justify your hurtful reality? 

Sometimes, the problem in marriage is that one person is being encouraged to spiritualize issues while the other is allowed to keep their irresponsible, non-Christian lens. Christian values were never supposed to cause or perpetuate harm in relationships. You deserve better. Courage Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is for women who are tired of harmful theology and bad marriage advice. Order Courage book Amazon I PDF

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FOOTNOTES:

1. I’m hoping to write a post on this. Way too.many.church goers don’t seem to understand they are funding spiritual (and other) abusers when they give their money for missionary work. Their unawareness is not helped by the fact that Christians who support missionaries don’t take it kindly or seriously when we, “the mission field,” speak up in a way that does not praise their work. When I say “stop sending money to missionaries,” I mean do the work of knowing who and what you’re funding. Don’t just give up the wallet because there was a slide, sob-story and manipulations. Do the work. Or don’t “give.” To anyone pursing their lips at this point: we can’t ignore the bad spouses, pastors, and missionaries because we love the good ones. Life doesn’t work that way. If you stub your toe against the corner of a table, you don’t wag a finger at the toes and remind it that the rest of your toes are perfectly fine and it’s making a big deal out of nothing. No, you find the ice or a doctor. When one part of the body hurts, it’s the most Christian thing to stop, explore, and offer compassionate care.