Fixing the Unfixable: When Partners Don’t Care to Change

“How would you feel is this happened to you?”

We all yearn for love and care from those we love.

It’s a natural part of being human and when that care is reciprocated, it becomes one of life’s most beautiful experiences.

However, sometimes, the people we love the most are unable to provide us with what we truly need.

When People Don’t Care to Change

I was getting my nails done, and her phone was cradled to her ear. “How would you feel if this happened to you?”

One shoulder scrunched up to keep the phone in place, she worked over my nails with quiet precision. But the more she buffed, the more her exasperation grew.

She’d just said no to something, stood her ground, and whoever was on the phone clearly wasn’t happy about it. She continued explain herself, imploring the other person to do some self-reflection, which she hoped would lead them to the same conclusion she had: that she had been treated unfairly and her actions (the boundary) were fair.

But based on how many times she repeated herself, the person on the other side wasn’t receptive. Still, she kept asking, “But how would you feel if that (event leading to her boundary) happened to you?”

I was in the thick of drawing my own boundaries with some family members, and I wished I could telecommunicate my learnings to her. I wished I could tell her that not everyone feels what you want them to feel, and thus, not everyone will empathize with your hurt and accept that you are entitled to make decisions they may not like.

We’re not all the same inside. 

When People Don’t Care to Change: Accepting The Truth

Generally, as human beings (those who are well-adjusting, anyway), we hope to inspire others to respect our boundaries or limits or to give us something we need by appealing to their self-awareness and, hopefully, capacity to adapt and change. 

The reality, though, is that not everyone is self-aware, empathetic, or flexible.

Now, some people are genuinely unaware, and when consistent expectations are established, they begin the process of change or, at the very least, respect your decisions and not punish you for them.

Others try to change, but sometimes relationships are already too damaged for repair or close proximity to be reestablished.  

At other times, people choose to remain the same, unwilling to take responsibility for themselves and their impact on others.

We are not all the same inside.

When Partners Don’t Care to Change: What To Do

Some partners believe that their partner exists to serve them and their interests primarily, and they owe no such debt in return.

They may not shout about their expectations, especially not at the beginning stages of a relationship, but their long-term behavior and fixations paint in bright red strokes: They are not interested in mutuality, just control of the relationship and their partner and it’s all rooted in the belief that they are entitled to that.

When people feel entitled to something, it is difficult for them to change, unless they do the hard work of self-reflection and become more open to unlearning and adapting.  

Some people will never feel what their suffering spouse wants them to feel and will never understand what their mate wants them to understand. They have chosen a different path, and nothing can change that.

Thus, the only real option that a suffering spouse might have is to lean into their Self – their capacity to exist by themselves: Their ability to exist without needing anyone else, including their spouse, to “get it”: Their capacity to exist and thrive without seeking anyone’s permission.

When Partners Care to Change: The Safe Spouse

To be clear, it’s not wrong for us to appeal to the humaneness of those close to us when we need connection, understanding, or just simply belonging. We are social creatures. We thrive in a healthy community. And still deserve mutual care.

It happens all the time in healthy/well-adjusting marriages: people influence each other. 

Women in safe marriages have a general feeling of  “he gets it” or “he’s trying to” about their marriage. And it’s not just a feeling, but a connection and deep sense that there’s someone “in there”, inside their spouse, who sees them and wants the best for them.

Women in safe marriages are not exhausting themselves, talking to an immovable brick wall. There’s a level of connection and care. And that connected feeling is accompanied by how their spouse responds to their pain, questions, and expectations. (i.e., a husband addresses what needs to be addressed/shows up cooperatively.)

On the other hand, women in unsafe marriages often have a sense of “I’m alone,” “He doesn’t get what I’m telling him.” And the heartbreaking “He doesn’t care at all.”

We are not the same inside. Some partners don’t care to change. And people deserve to feel validated when they begin to understand that their spouse is unable to feel or engage with them at the level they desire.

I wrote about why it’s perfectly valid to stop striving to be a good wife to someone who doesn’t treat you well. You can read more about it here.