When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues (Clarity For Wives)

Character issues in marriage: Many women find themselves in marriages where a spouse is deeply wounding or immature but won’t address these individual character issues.

Or the spouse says they are “working on it,” but the wife never really sees the long-term fruit of that work.

She wants to know what’s going on, what he’s thinking, and what his intentions are. But the husband never shares his inner world, his thoughts or his plans. 

She craves clarity and truth, as that verbal clearness, she feels, will help her determine the next steps. But that verbal clarity never comes. She floats in perpetual limbo.

Let me emphasize: Not making a choice to be a better human being is making a choice. In marriage, action is a critical language. Where words are absent, we can observe the behaviors, or the lack thereof, and determine where the individual is at.

You don’t need words: you watch the behaviors. You don’t need a specific conversation to determine where they are and what they are thinking about the relationship or you. They are already telling you these things through their actions or the lack thereof. Take that info. It’s valid.

Disorders and Immaturity

Now, I’ve heard it said that diagnosed/undiagnosed disorders or deep immaturity in spouses could make it hard to address life-altering character issues: and thus, spouses should be more patient with each other.

Indeed, such backgrounds can make contemplation, recovering, and healing more laborious.

However, just because a spouse sympathizes with a partner does not mean they should continue to expose themselves to the partner’s harmful or unhealthy unrepentant conduct. You can love someone —> from a distance. (And PPS. all forms of abuse are a choice)

Bottom line: If your husband is chronically neglectful, entitled, demeaning, or controlling (or insert other behaviors), and you’re craving clarity, but he never really verbalizes his intentions with you or the marriage, please know: action, or the lack thereof, is a language.

Character Issues in Marriage: When You Have Clarity

Let’s talk about what to do when you have a bit of clarity: you feel like you know what your spouse is about.

Unfortunately, what your spouse is about is same same. He wants to remain the same. Unchanged. And he wants you to participate in his poor or harmful assessment of reality.

When that happens, you need to remember that you are not obligated to participate in your partner’s delusion. It is okay to boundary up (wisely, safely.)

All spouses have an assessment of themselves and their surroundings. For overall healthy spouses experiencing relational growth-related issues, they can assess with clear eyes AND work through the problem and get to the other side as a team.

But other times, where patterns of harm, entitlement and exploitation are present, the response ends at clarity. The answer is not always “let’s work through this.” Sometimes the answer is “let me explore what peace and safety looks like for me.”

The thing about some harmful individuals is their inexhaustible desire for others to participate in a warped reality. It’s not enough to exist in their world; they want you to exist there with them. To orbit their universe, worship their supreme existence, go with their flow.

And so women need to know they are not obligated to participate in their spouse’s grand delusions. When a mate expects you to join in their harmful (or poor) assessment of reality, it’s time to wisely and safely boundary up.

Character Issues in Marriage: What I Mean By Boundary Up

Boundarying up means to explore and (re)discover your healthy values, things that feel like dignity.

Begin to figure out how much is too much for you by listening to your body and its sensations (work towards believing you are capable of knowing the truth and thus can trust yourself.) Explore ways to be more compassionate and less forceful with yourself.

Boundarying up doesn’t always mean making immediate relationship adjustments (with volatile spouses, voicing or enforcing boundaries and consequences can start an escalation. Please get licensed trauma-informed help first.)

Generally, boundaries start with a curious, compassionate exploration of YOUR needs, values, and limits. Boundaries are established on a firm or growing sense of worth as a human being – that you are worthy of being seen, heard, and valued.

The point of boundaries isn’t to prop them on others. It’s to figure out your margins, what you need to stay grounded, safe, and thriving. Even if you can’t say a word or take outward action yet, you can work on Step 1: Your clarity. Because you matter.