How Do You Convince Your Loved One that Getting Away From Your Abuser was the Right Thing to Do?
Someone asked “how do you convince a loved one, through Scripture, that getting away from your abuser was the right thing to do?”
Quick answer. You don’t. You don’t need to convince anyone.
But let’s dig deeper.
Someone who doesn’t see abuse or the need for safety for the victim will not be convinced by Bible verses that their loved one did the right thing to escape her abuser.
They won’t be convinced because it’s not Scriptural proof they lack. It’s healthier belief system they lack.
1. What should you do about abuse?
A bit of clarification before we dive in: When I first shared a shorter version of this post on Facebook, there was confusion about what I was addressing.
So to clarify, this post isn’t about how to convince an abused person they are being abused. It’s about an abuse target (who already knows they are being abused and they already did something about it, e.g., separation or life-saving divorce) explaining their protective measures to others who don’t understand their life-saving decision.
People who say they love you but don’t believe you when you tell them you needed to get safe don’t have a “scriptural proof” problem. They are just blind (intentionally or unintentionally) to abuse.
So if you present Bible verses that show you can divorce for abuse, it too will be explained away and not believed because the actual problem isn’t a lack of proof. The real problem is a flawed belief about marriage, abuse, and God.
Changing what we believe about something takes far more work than just a presentation of new information.
It requires a willingness to engage with our own needs, limitations and emotions. Yup. You can’t export what you are not. You can try but you’ll keep defaulting back to your real position because our beliefs shape our thoughts, our values, our emotions and ultimately our behaviors.
Change does not happen just because we get new info. Change happens as we begin to take a posture of curiosity (vs. certainty) and truthfully engage with the experiences of ourselves and those of others.
Real change begins where our beliefs reside. Most Christians got handed a belief system. And it’s just hard to put that system under the microscope1 let alone begin to make shifts where growth is required.
2. Resources to help someone get out of an abusive relationship
When you are the victim of abuse, you can look into what God says about abuse and marriage. Examples of resources to help in that journey
- Clarifying theology websites like MargMowczko.com
- Podcasts and books about emotional abuse like Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman.
- TraumaMAMAS, the only App for traumatized mamas and kids (because parenting in trauma is hard)
- Healthy marriage websites like BareMarriage.com
But you look into these resources, not to convince others you are doing the right thing to protect yourself from the insidious corrosive unrepentant hardness of a spouse. You get the support for your ongoing clarity, strength, education, and healing.
You can share clarifying information and recommendations with those who ask if you want to, but you benefit yourself greatly when you do so from a place of tempered expectations.
Many abuse advocates will tell you that spending your time explaining your decisions to others (especially those who refuse to get it) is just about the worst use of your time and energy.
You have limited bandwidth. Life as you knew it has been upended (by the person you trusted the most), and between running out of that sinking ship, finding the shoreline, and beginning to find your land legs again, you have zero slack for dead weight.
3. Convince About Abuse: Should I tell people about abuse?
It is absolutely one hundred percent okay to WANT to be believed. It is normal to want those you love to understand why you did what you did. It is normal human longing to be seen and known.
It is also true that we don’t owe people what we were taught we owe.
So while it is normal to want to be believed, it is also true we don’t have to explain all of ourselves all the time. Participating in healthy communities might necessitate a reasonable level of mutual vulnerability, but that isn’t without mutual trust and boundaries.
Walking away from relationships that contribute to your wounding is okay.
It is okay to spend your energy rebuilding what has been broken instead of convincing others it’s broken (and thus needs careful protective attention, moving forward.) It is okay to focus on your healing.
Here’s the thing. Some people are deeply invested in their reality. They do not intend to change their views. When they ask for Bible verses to back up your decisions, their goal isn’t to explore and understand; it is to prove you wrong.
So the best thing for you (and them) is to sketch that boundary line, determining where your energy will be spent and where it will not. It is wisdom to spend it on yourself. Your health. Your strength. Your safety. Your future. So much has been taken away from you, and people who don’t see that don’t deserve your attention right now.
Maybe one day you’ll have capacity to explain something to someone. Or not. (Check out Seasons of Healing, a resource to help you map your recovery and healing.) But that time might not be now.
Ps: For the brave mamas who the unconvinced loved one is your child who doesn’t understand your life-saving decision, here’s a post that might help.
Convince about abuse: continue reading:
- When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues (Clarity For Wives)
- What To Do When The Good News To The Abused and Betrayed Doesn’t Feel Like Good News To You
- If Her Abusive Husband is in Recovery, Shouldn’t a Wife Stay?
- Does God Hate Divorce?
1. We struggle because questioning what we were given feels like we are questioning God.
Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns
Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns by abuse and trauma recovery coach Sarah McDugal outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. Guiding survivors to break through the fog and assisting victims to remember and articulate their experiences. (aff link) Access Now.
I never knew what abuse looked or felt like until I was abused for the last eighteen years in my marriage! I learned from experience what covert abuse looks like and mostly what it FEELS like at the hands of a passive aggressive husband. I also knew that it was too much and too difficult, if not impossible, to explain to anyone what it feels like…so I suffered in silence for the duration of my marriage, and cried myself to sleep for years…only to wake up with horrible panic attacks which I’m sure were (and still are) the result of the C-PTSD I developed over the years. I want so badly to tell my story, a story of eighteen years of mental abuse…but how do you do that in just a few words? But if it can help even just ONE person…I will…but will keep a VERY long story short. A sickly, out of control, jealous, domineering twin brother of my submissive husband wanted to destroy my husband and used our (once happy) marriage as a tool to do that…by using ME as his pawn. He told HORRIBLE lies about me to their family…to turn the family against me. He told them that I was an alcoholic who physically abused my husband, etc., etc., etc!! He knew that if the family would be turned against me…my husband would lose contact with them. He knew that that would CRUSH my husband but that he would be incapable of defending himself against his domineering twin…so in return my husband never defended me and I was on my own if I chose to defend myself. I never did because I knew it would be a losing battle…because how were they going to believe ME over their siblings? I say sibling(s) instead of sibling…because my husband chose to be on his domineering twin’s side and let his family mentally abuse me for years…and told me over and over, that if I did not like it I could GO…pointing at the door! Instead of protecting me against his family’s abuse, he sided WITH them to preserve HIS relationship with them and his twin brother. Over the years I tried to live with it while trying to reason with my husband to save our marriage…but instead of being a team as husband and wife…he chose to resent me instead and started covertly to pull away from me and our marriage. I started to feel like I was married to the Mob…having to defend myself against their Mob mentality of mental abuse. I could have accepted his family’s mental abuse and learned to live with that…but no longer could I accept having my husband gang up on me together with his family, just so HE could continue his unconditional “love”relationship with them. So my marriage was eventually destroyed because of a sickly jealous twin brother who sat my husband and me up against one another…in more than one way…and who used me as a pawn to destroy his twin’s happiness and life. He succeeded…because I finally filed for divorce…and my soon-to-be Ex husband keeps on texting and calling me about how devastated he is to have lost me and his marriage! I tell him that he is complaining to the wrong person…and that he needs to start realizing who is responsible for that…including himself. I kept a VERY long story short…but whoever reads this comment and finds themselves in an abusive marriage, don’t wait thinking that you can change your abuser…you CAN’T!! If they can’t change themselves…then nobody can! I also thought I could reason with my husband and change him…but instead lost eighteen years of my life to abuse. It will take time for me to heal and find myself again, the person I was before him…and that is exactly what I intend to do!! Thank you so much for this article and the advice you give about how hard it is to get the validation that is so desperately needed by abuse victims…but I agree and learned that the only validation I need is my OWN!!! No more sleepless nights crying myself to sleep wondering what was happening to me and what had become of my life! No more begging my husband to stand by me! No more freeze responses and giving up on life! No more giving up on myself! No more sweet me! No more maybe if I do this or that things will change! No more having my sweet dog licking the tears off my face! No more believing in empty promises of change! No more prayers for change! No more begging for change! NO MORE abuse…just healing and moving forward with another lesson learned!!
Dear sweet Ngina, I am so grateful for your insightfully bold, carefully biblical, and persistently humble blog. You are CRUSHING it, Girl!! Thank you for your ministry; we survivors are blessed to call you our champion.
Kelly, thank you for your kind words. Needed them today!