Dear Christians, Divorce is Not The First Thing She Thinks About (Here’s Why)

Often, divorce is not the first thing that pops into a woman’s mind when her destructive spouse starts to pick her apart.

But many Christians believe it is.

So when a woman risks everything and opens up about her suffering, there’s a mad rush by Christians to “close the exits.”

And they shutter up the doors via giving all sorts of “advice.” Like

• Asking her to give more sex to her betraying spouse
• Extolling the “virtue” of loving her spouse more than she loves herself
• Sermonizing how men are the head of women and how she needs to submit
• Telling her to stop talking about her abusive circumstances. “Just give it to God and move on”
• Baptizing the abnormal behavior of her spouse as standard practice in all marriages
• Saying all men need hand-holding from women to become healthy

It’s a cocktail of humble-sounding but totally-deadly advice.

Here’s the truth

Divorce is not the first thing she thinks about.

Instead, at the onset of a toxic mindset or action, a woman might think

• I totally deserved that
• I think I’m missing something
• What is going on in his life for him to do that?
• He didn’t mean it
• He’s such an amazing guy. I misread the moment
• I need to figure out what I did so I can improve
• He’s had a rough week at work
• His brother talks the same way: it runs in his family
• He’s the leader of our home, and he gets the final say
• All men have sexual needs, and I feel awful for feeling awful about what he asked me to do last night
• Perhaps he didn’t feel supported?
• Yeah, dudes are like that
• Wives need to support their guys
• This is just one of those growing pains
• I know he’ll work on the issue because he said he will. I just need to be patient.

The patterns

When the same patterns repeat themselves, a woman might think

• I need to pray more
• I should fast for this marriage
• I’m going to find a marriage counselor. We need counseling
• I need to talk to my pastor about this
• I need to find a good marriage book
• *Googles how to have a godly marriage for ten hours*
• God wants me to love him right where he is
• My kids need their dad. He’s a great dad
• I’m getting triggered from my traumatic childhood, just like he told me last week.
• There I go again; my recollection of what happened is wrong. What exactly is wrong with me?
• He’s a great guy and only struggles in this area. I need to give him grace, as our small group leader advised.

Divorce in not the first thing she thinks about: upholding love

Dear Christians, we must understand that godly women don’t immediately jump out of a marriage when something is off.

Like any tenacious, loving, empathetic human being, they enlist every good virtue they possess to fight for their marriage. They work hard. They love. They die many deaths. They pray, read all the marriage books, and listen to all the sermons.

Until they realize they are not the problem – their spouse is – and what they are experiencing is not typical of a godly or healthy marriage.

Church, when they finally realize that God loves them and wants them safe and whole, that He’s invested in the individual, not the marriage, can we be the people who validate and applaud that belief?

When a woman ultimately says, “enough is enough,” can we be the people who actually agree with her? Instead of being the ones who push back, shame, shun, and ostracize her?

Divorce in not the first thing she thinks about: Let’s accept that, salute her resilience and uphold the boundaries of love.

Unholy Fruit | Your WILD Guide to Discerning Toxic Character | Workshop with Sarah McDugal

Are you in a chronically problematic marriage? Or perhaps you know someone who is and you desire to support them.

In this Workshop and Checklist (affiliate link), Coach Sarah McDugal empowers your ability to discern the Fruit of an UNholy spirit. If you have felt confused by the dissonance between someone’s pious  words and their exploitative actions, this workshop offers clarity and  some possible next steps in your healing journey. Click here to check it out.