Why You Don’t Have to Eat With Your Judas
“Jesus loved Judas, ate with Judas, and to follow in His footsteps means forgiving those who betray us.”
We are approaching the Easter weekend this week, where forgiving and reconciling with our “Judas” will be a common theme in many Christian places of worship.
I know this because I have listened to numerous Easter sermons about forgiveness and reconciling with those who have harmed us.
I’ve also heard from countless women who felt guilted and shamed for not reconciling with someone who betrayed their trust, even when that person showed no signs of repentance.
When Hope Leads to Disappointment
Two years ago, I entered a church building, and found a seat near the exit and a window.
I hugged my mug of hot tea and gazed out of the window at the bright old tree next to the church building. The leaves were small and green, the trunk old and sturdy.
Feeling the warmth of a cup and staring into the distance was part of my grounding and reorienting routine, something I always did in that season of exploring new church spaces.
Sitting next to the exit helped me feel safer: I could walk out anytime without drawing much attention.
We’d finally found a church that valued diversity and inclusion, and I thought, surely, any sermon about “Jesus loved Judas” would come with nuance and context.
Still, parts of me braced for an onslaught on my senses as I remembered my Christian fundamentalist background where love trumps everything never included the view of the crushed and marginalized.
So I breathed, noticing the sway of the branches, the gentle movement of the leaves, the thick, rough bark, the moss-like wispy threads tracing up the trunk, the bright sun streaming through the branches and into the church building.
Externally, it all seemed so peaceful, so idyllic, the perfect day to be in church.
That day’s sermon was about how Jesus loved the disciple who betrayed Him and what that meant for us. The takeaway was how Christ loved and drew close those who did him harm and how we too should love and keep close those who wrong us.
I willed myself to sit through the service because I was waiting for the caveat at the end.
Surely, spaces that value human beings (aka diversity and inclusion proponents) will value people. The service ended. Without any caveats or nuance. No depth, no cultural exploration, and nothing to provide context.
I walked out, my inner world upside down, which happens when we open ourselves up to hope and are disappointed. “I told you! You can’t trust Christian spaces to support victims!” was the loudest voice in my head as we drove back home.
That afternoon, I sat and wrote down some thoughts I want to share with you today.
Setting Boundaries with Your Judas: Reminders for the Heavy Heart
1. Some people’s theology is more closely aligned to oppression than to liberation.
If your Easter weekend is filled with messages of how Christ loves and draws close those who did Him harm, if (directly stated or not) you are asked to love and keep close those who do you harm, let me be clear:
When He walked on earth, Jesus often defined who He was and who God was, in contrast to who people thought He was.
So just because your pastor, a family member, or the Christian communities you belong to say you shouldn’t set boundaries with people who cause harm doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Read More When a Spouse Won’t Address Harmful Character Issues (Clarity For Wives)
Some people’s theology is more aligned to oppression than to liberation. But you are entitled to choice: to think all your thoughts, to ask all the questions, to feel all your emotions, and to let your inner God-given voice guide you.
2. “Jesus loved Judas” – Christ modeled a love that invited people to higher, not lower, values.
Christ said those who say they follow God but their actions, way of life, and fruit say otherwise are not walking in the truth. Luke 6: 43-49
He demonstrated a love that invited people to higher, not lower, values.
In other words, everyone is welcome *and* belonging isn’t synonymous with no values. Because of God’s love, we bear good fruit, and good fruit includes not harming others.
Are you tired of bad theology being used to justify your painful experiences?
I wrote Courage for women who are tired of shouldering all the relational responsibilities while their partners enjoy the benefits. You deserve more. “Ngina has captured the depth of a woman bound in abuse and manipulative interpretation of the Bible. Courage has put into words the cry and tears of bleeding souls. It will validate, embrace and set you on a path of true healing.” Reviewer. ORDER COURAGE AMAZON I PDF
3. “Jesus loved Judas” – Belonging doesn’t mean there are no longer consequences, boundaries, expectations, or standards:
Belonging does not mean there are no longer consequences, boundaries, expectations, or standards: The invitation to belong is also an invitation to walk in the way of love. (Because we are loved, we bear good fruit.)
To say that everyone is invited and has a seat at God’s table is accurate.
To say everyone should be held accountable to the standard of belonging, which is love, is also accurate. We don’t earn Love *and* we don’t trample on love without correction and accountability.
We are all welcome to God’s table, but it doesn’t mean we disrupt (cause harm) and everything carries on like we just didn’t.
4. Yes, Judas was loved, and we don’t have enough information to know if he would have been welcomed back with open arms, like he wasn’t a part of something nefarious a couple of days prior.
If your heart is frayed, this is your reminder: someone gets it. Many someones, actually. Whole communities who don’t think you must accept unlove to be a Christian.
Yes, Judas was loved, and we don’t have enough information to know if he would have been welcomed right back with open arms like he wasn’t a part of something nefarious a couple of days prior.
Or maybe we have some information: the early Christian believers struggled to welcome Apostle Paul into community because all they could remember was Saul. It took a minute, a lot of inner work and outward change by Paul, and time.
So it is reasonable to conclude that Judas wouldn’t have waltzed back to community.
Therefore, it is okay to have boundaries with “your Judas.” Love does not imply unfettered access: we can love deeply and safely. We can love someone and have boundaries with them.
Being a Christian isn’t synonymous with accepting harm. You never have to choose between loving others and holding them accountable. You can care for others and hold them to a higher standard. Read More Why “Forgive and Reconcile” is a Terrible Message To Betrayed Spouses
If you’d like to dive a little deeper into the story of safety, freedom, and healing and how you don’t have to choose between love and accountability, check out Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul. Because sometimes, the problem in marriage is that one person is being encouraged to spiritualize issues while the other is allowed to keep an irresponsible lens. Christian values were never supposed to cause or perpetuate harm in relationships. You deserve more. ORDER COURAGE AMAZON I PDF
What others are saying about Courage:
Ngina, thank you for highlighting emotional safety and accountability. One thing I wonder about, though: how can we safeguard against applying these principles too broadly? Sometimes readers might label normal conflict or growth opportunities as betrayal, missing the chance for reconciliation where there’s real repentance. How do we stay wise about boundaries without shutting the door on restoration when it’s still possible and safe?
You get to set your boundaries for yourself only. Someone else may need to draw their boundaries differently. Not judging people who choose differently than you demonstrates love and humility by accepting that their needs may be different than yours, or that they may have had experiences you are not aware of.
Real repentance takes effort by the individual repenting. If it’s real, it will be lasting. It will NOT be externally motivated. If anyone who interacts with the truly repentant wants to loosen their boundaries, they can choose to do that on their own – without pressure from “well meaning” others, as these attempts to control other people are NOT an expression of love.
I think we safeguard against applying principles too broadly when we put everything in the proper context. For example, Judas’ storyline is one of harm. Judas stole, lied, and sold out his friend and rabbi. But when the story is told, especially during Easter, it’s treated as a typical surface-level hurt (“normal conflict/growth opportunities”), the result of living in community with others. But it’s not. Judas’ story should not be presented as an illustration of forgiveness and reconciliation, as that was never the intention of its telling. Other stories in Scripture can illustrate genuine repentance and how that might look in community and relationship.”
Edited to add: I’m working on a resource to help people differentiate between healthy relationship systems from unsafe ones and I think it will be helpful here.