How I Learned to Love My Wife More Deeply

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How can a husband learn to love his wife more deeply? More authentically?

Today, I am excited to have my husband share his thoughts.

My husband and I have a healthy but growing marriage. This post is addressing regular marriage problems and possible areas of growth. My husband’s approach is not the only approach to addressing normal conflicts in marriage. Your situation might call for a different approach.

Here’s Tommy.

This past week my wife and I have had one of those “differences in opinion.”

We went into that parallel universe in regular married life that is filled with logic and emotion, skewed to justify ourselves and protect our vulnerabilities, effectively barring us out of the each other’s heart.

how i learned to love my wife more deeply

Now, it is important that I mention that it was my actions that caused the shift into this “twilight zone.”

Relationship lessons learned

One of the major triggers was the fact that my wife had asked me on Saturday to “help” her with the dishes. We were both at home and savoring the one day we had together in the house.

I however was transfixed on the computer and only looked up late in the night, feeling too tired to wash dishes.

That was the beginning of a bad week, reaction after reaction drawing us deeper into our trenches and fortifying our positions.

It came out very clearly that I was not helping enough around the house. Communication broke down. Healthy conversations became unheard of and quality time non-existent.

Finally, the only way forward I could see was to write down weekly tasks that I would put up in the kitchen and follow.

The relationship had taken a beating by that time but the rules got us on our way back. We eventually had a long hard conversation and made up at the end of it.

How I learned to love my wife more deeply

What I found interesting though is that as we made up, the tasks became less of an issue.

Taking out the trash and washing dishes, folding clothes from the clothesline, not so bad when we’re back in love. Granted, they remain chores but with a different quality to it.

It got me thinking, as my marriage often does, about my relationship with God.

In life many times I become self absorbed and doing the right thing gradually seems more and more like a chore.

It changes the condition of my heart.

Conversation with God wanes, prayer suffers, quality time, reading His word and communion loses value in my life.

Reaching out to others with the love of Christ becomes a task, and the only thing that can get me back on track is “the Law.”

Not unlike the manner in which we had to come up with the “law” of the household outlining what I am to do on a regular basis, God gave us the “law” to obey, put up clearly in His Word and in our hearts.

Understanding the love messages

But what a paradigm shift when we “make up with God” and get back in love with Him, after we have a deep hard heart-to-heart conversation.

The Law, becomes almost a non-issue, because we love him, then we do what pleases Him without as much of a struggle.

Jesus said (John 14:15) “If you love me you will obey what I command”.

Never quite saw it like that before.

So here’s how I learned to love my wife more deeply; when I love someone, desiring to please them will become a priority.

And if the person I love wants the best for me, I can trust that what I’m doing to please them is good not just for them, but also for me.

How much more God, whose heart is without guile, whose love is beyond manipulation and whose power is beyond equal?

Love my wife more deeply - how can a husband learn to do that? I thought I loved my wife. And then pleasing her became a chore and here's what I learned

If I love the Lord, obeying Him will be a desire of my heart rather than a task to avoid.

This verse had always hit me as some sort of emotional blackmail to be honest, but with this new perspective, it takes a completely new meaning.

Lesson learned : loving God means I will do what He loves.

“If you love me, you will obey what I command” John 14:15

Question – Has the revelation of real love made marriage easier? Do you struggle to love and obey?

 

Hi! I'm Ngina and I'm a certified marriage coach, author, and blogger. I'm on a mission to help women find clarity so they can begin to address problems. I examine unhealthy relationship advice and how elevating the marriage institution above individual welfare has harmed us. I love Jesus, my sweet guy and a hot cup of tea.. Join the Adventure

42 Comments

  1. Thanks for this. This checked me and I was convicted. There are things that I need to be reminded of, and this is one of them. I’m sure that it will begin created a change in my relationship. May God bless you!

    1. Kyndall, I am happy the post was helpful 🙂 God bless you too!

  2. Ngina, you guys have such a loving relationship. Marriage is such a special thing when you get to live with someone on this Earth that you love so deeply. Its amazing that those hearts become one. Let your husband know he needs to get back to blogging. Great Post!

    1. i agree with you Lincoln, marriage is so special. Thanks so much for reading and sharing. I’ll give my husband the feedback! thanks so much

  3. Steph Rich says:

    I’m so glad that I found your blog from the HWC link up! This is a great post that my husband and I can definitely relate to. The same husband that I just wrote 10 reasons why I love him about. 🙂 That’s marriage!

  4. DaveArnold16 says:

    Good reminder and insights. It’s funny because I just wrote a blog post today & talked about “triggers.”

  6. Love the insight here. So much I could relate to. Some really useful, challenging things to take away and think about. Thanks so much for sharing so vulnerably.

    Linked here from Time-Warp Wife. Blessings

    1. Thanks so much for coming by Mel. I am glad you can relate. Thanks so much for sharing

  7. Lawrence Namale says:

    This boy is a good writer! That’s tall that I can say. The content is superb, the language is that of an artist…the imageries aplently. He needs a slap upside the head to keep writing. I am serious!

    1. haha! you are so funny! he’s hearing and reading you loud and clear!

      It’s true, he’s super gifted. I consider him the better writer. I am hoping to see more of him here, so thanks for that ‘encouragement’ sent his way!

  8. What a beautiful post Ngina. I’m trying to get my husband to write more often for CMB. They have such treasures to share with us. And he’s right – love changes everything. Chores go from burdens to opportunities to show our love. Real love has made all the difference in our marriage, and in every other important relationship.

    1. Thanks Deb. I agree, they have so much to share. Am so blessed to have him here and am hoping for more in the future : ) I hope you find success too : ) I like this statement “Chores go from burdens to opportunities to show our love.” Wonderful way to put it. Thanks so much for sharing

  9. How beautiful, Ngina! And to answer his question, yes the revelation of real love has allowed us to have the most amazing marriage I could have every dreamed about…ever.

    1. Amen Fawn! That revelation does make all the difference! Thanks so much for reading and sharing.

  10. So beautiful! Such a wonderful thing that your hubby wrote this! Love it! Linked up from HWC!

    1. Thanks Lu! it’s exciting to ‘host’ him here. glad you enjoyed the post. thanks so much for coming by from HWC!

  11. What a lovely, love-filled, and love-inspiring post Ngina – thanks so much for sharing!

    Blessings,

    @AndeLyons

    1. Ande, thanks so much for reading. am glad the thoughts resonate.

    1. i will pass on the message Bernard! Thanks so much for reading

  13. That is so fun to have your husband’s blog post on here! He sounds like a wise man as well as a great writer. I definitely agree that the more I love God, the more I want to obey Him.

    1. yes it’s lots of fun. he is a wise man and a great writer! so glad the thoughts resonated. thanks for reading and sharing

      1. My husband is also a great writer. I’m hoping he’ll share something in an e-book on truth journaling that I’m working on. 🙂

        1. wow that’s going to be awesome Barb. I love it when they weigh in. i find they always bring a fresh, great perspective to things!

  14. Great insight! And I’m so glad to hear from Ngina’s hubby too! I love a male perspective, bu this is one that really resonates with both genders. The “law” really can get us back to the “love” we once had. It reminds me of the idea of not letting “feelings” guide our choices, but doing the next right thing till our feelings eventually follow–not out of legalism but out of faith. Great thoughts!

    1. Thank you Beth, am so excited to have him share : ) I agree with you about leading our feelings instead of having them leading us. I think that’s how quality marriages and a great relationship with God works. Thanks so much for adding your great perspective

  15. Tell your husband this is good!
    “If I love the Lord, obeying Him will be a desire of my heart rather than a task to avoid.” I love that!

  16. So glad you shared this, it’s a great post.

    Each day I’m learning more about God’s love and it really does spur me to obey. When we love someone we WANT to do things for them. I WANT to honor God and spend time with Him, it’s not about what He can give me. He is enough!

    1. I was reading through his old blog when i came across it and i thought i had to share it here. So glad it’s a blessing! I love your last two lines, they sum it all. thanks so much for reading

  17. It sure can make marriage and life easier. I’ve been married for over 6 years and we still are deeply in love with each other and which helps during all those little arguments or other issues. Great post!

    1. That’s a great verse Dan! Thanks for sharing it. Glad these truths are working in your marriage. It’s such a blessing to read these testimonies.

  18. “The Law, becomes almost a non-issue.” Powerful! That’s exactly the point, we begin to do the acts that Christ would do with the love from Him in us. I’ve struggled with this for a long time. In the end if we truly love it will be in sacrifice and without the bad attitude that comes from following a set of rules. Awesome post…

    1. So true Floyd. In Christ we can do all things. The challenge is often in getting into that depth with Him in the first place.. ..but oh the joy when we find that true freedom!

  19. Nice post. 🙂 A well-balanced marriage life is truly only achievable with God as its center. Open communication does come easier if both husband and wife value and apply His teachings.

    Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club link up.

    1. Thank you Bella. God is truly the one that holds everything together. Thanks for coming by and sharing.

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