12 Things Every Groom Should Know Before His Wedding Night 

A few years ago, I wrote a post titled 10 Things Every Bride Should Know Before Her Wedding Night (which later turned into a book!)

Then I heard from men who wished they had a similar list. 

This post has been long in coming, but today you are going to walk away with practical wedding night tips for your first night of marriage. 

But before we jump in a caveat:

I am about to share general ideas: couples are different, and what works for one person might not work for the other. 

For the bride version of this post, check out 10 Things Every Bride Should Know Before Her Wedding Night.

Lets jump in: (This post contains affiliate links)

12 Practical Wedding Night Tips For Grooms 

1. Adjust your mindset

Let’s start with mindset. 

Maybe you know how you want the wedding night to play out.  Or maybe you don’t. And the gap is giving you heartburn as long as your bride’s walk down the aisle. 

I have good news for you: either place is okay. Seriously. At least, you are trying to be intentional about your first night of marriage. That’s a good thing.

Let’s talk about that mindset shift: things like pornography exposure or use, abuse, cultural portrayals in movies or on television, or negative presentation of sex by society and religion, can color your expectations of your wedding night.

That means you have to shift from “I know it all/I know nothing” to “I am ready to learn.” Good lovers are good students and that learning posture levels the ground for everyone. 

Pro Tips

• Familiarize yourself with intimacy in marriage by reading helpful resources, so it’s not all “breaking news” on your wedding night. Check out my book The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality Health and Happiness in Marriage
• Remember the wedding night is about both of you.) 

2. Talk about intimacy with your bride before your wedding night

There are two camps when it comes to sexual matters before the wedding: Dating couples who can’t stop talking about sex and those who get hives just thinking about the subject.

You want to be somewhere in the middle: Frank and honest, not overly consumed. 

The best time to start talking about sex is when the pressure is low, not on your wedding night. 

My husband-then-fiance and I had some frank conversations about sex when we were dating. We reserved heavier convos and reading material for the weeks running up to the wedding.

But these discussions, coupled with premarital counseling and OB-GYN (Obstetrician-Gynecologist) visit, presented natural opportunities to better understand each other: We examined expectations, addressed anxieties, enjoyed laughter and indulged in plenty of tea and cake. 

Pro Wedding Night Tips For Grooms 

• Don’t make assumptions. Talk about your expectations, anxieties, and fears. Begin to get comfortable talking about sex so you can normalize intimate conversations in your relationship. 
• If you sense a point of ignorance, fear, or anxiety, have an exact conversation about it: don’t assume it will fade away on its own. 

3. Manage your expectations: You might not consummate your marriage on your first night

There’s nothing wrong with desiring a mutually satisfying sex life (mutually satisfying being the key phrase here.) But like most things marriage, it’s a journey to satisfaction, not an immediate arrival.  

Consummation might not happen on your wedding night. And even if it does, it will likely not be the best sex you’ll ever have. And that’s okay. 

Think of your wedding night as the first day of learning a new sport or hobby.

You walk into the field, eager to absorb all you can about the sport. But you also recognize that Day 1 of practice will paint a clear picture of how much training you require to become proficient at your favorite game.

While it is possible to have sex on your wedding night, it is not a requirement, and this is where your expectations ought to adjust.

As a new groom, you may struggle with honeymoon impotence. You may orgasm too quickly. Her anxiety may result in a lack of lubrication. She might suffer from vaginismus.  There’s the orgasm gap. The evening party might stretch into the night, leaving you both exhausted. 

Life will happen.

And when it does, you’ll need to hold loosely to your plans, so you don’t make unreasonable demands on yourselves. 

Pro Tip

• Remember, interruptions and detours on your wedding night are not an indication of how every encounter will go for the rest of your lives. 

4. Be honest about your past

Your sex life is only as great as your openness about your sexual histories. Obviously, it’s possible to have sex, even with unexplored and unconfessed history, but here we are talking about healthy, long-lasting connection and actual intimacy between two people.

Honesty and vulnerability, right out of the gate, are the best foundation for connection in marriage. 

Example of areas you should be honest about:

• History of sex outside marriage
• Abuse
• Assault 
• Pornography
• Trauma
• Anything else that might hinder intimacy

Let’s talk about pornography for a moment. As a marriage coach who works with newlywed women, one of the major problems I see is pornography. Porn is devastating. 

It wrecks everything– your connection, your expectations, your sexual wiring, your motivation, your engagement, your ability to serve and love on your spouse.  

There are no harmless levels of pornography. The same way there are no harmless levels of poison.

If you have ever watched porn, been exposed to it, are currently watching it, or struggling to quit, please get help before your wedding. Check out Andrew J Bauman for help in this area.

And once you start the recovery and accountability process, stay plugged in so you can change and heal. If you are taking premarital classes or therapy, bring up any sexual baggage you may have. 

Pro Tips

• Honesty is not reserved for the “hard stuff” only. Talk about everything else: fears, anxieties, worries about your wedding night and beyond. 
• Pornography is not just a problem for men; women too struggle with porn. 
• Being open and vulnerable will not be very popular with your ego. But it’s necessary for couples who desire healthy connection and intimacy.

5. Wedding night: Sex is profoundly connecting

Sex is a profoundly unifying act: a physical expression of a deep emotional bond.

For people of faith, it’s natural and meaningful to engage in spiritual practices that strengthen your relationship.

As newlyweds, you can pray over your connection, bringing your hopes, concerns, and insecurities before God, trusting that your shared faith and values will draw you even closer together

Pro Tip

• Wedding night prayer doesn’t have to be long-drawn or weird. It can be simple as you want: from a quiet thought, to a meditative practice or simply taking time to breath/pray/slow down together.  

6. Be patient and gentle

For most men, sex is straight forward.

On your wedding night, just walking into your room might be all the action you need to get going. And while she might melt into your arms, it doesn’t mean she’s ready for actual physical sex.  

In general, women require more foreplay than men. 

What that means for you?

Acceptance that your wife’s arousal process is different (and normal) and embracing of that gentle learning process.  

For the groom: Think of lovemaking as teamwork. Teammates work together to score points. They look out for secret signals, they know when to call a play, they position themselves accordingly, they cover one another. Good team members do not think about themselves, they think about the end goal (in this case mutual pleasure) and how to work together to achieve it.

Pro Tips

• Embrace tender conversation, ask questions when you are unsure.
• Remember, your bride is also learning her body and responses, especially if it’s her first time having sex. Gentle conversation and exploration lessen the pressure to have it all figured out.  
• Her “slower” pace doesn’t mean she’s broken. It means she’s different: her difference is an asset, not a hindrance to intimacy. 
• Generally, men are aroused from the beginning, but women tend to become aroused during foreplay. But here’s a caveat: arousal and orgasm are not guaranteed for every woman, even with adequate foreplay. Talk to your doctor if your bride struggles with arousal or feels a lot of pain during sex. You can also check out this excellent book, The Great Sex Rescue for more help.
• Some men struggle with lower libido, even on their wedding night, and I cover it in my book.

7. Embrace KY 

Not as many grooms know about the magical “KY”. 

KY is a brand of personal lubrication.

But let’s back up and talk about lubrication.

What is natural lubrication for a woman? When a woman is sexually excited, she produces a natural fluid from inside the walls of her vagina, making penetration easier and pleasurable. Engaging in sexual intercourse without adequate lubrication can result in a lot of discomfort and pain.

Nerves, anxiety, self-consciousness, or physical tightness can interfere with that natural process for a new bride. 

Which is why personal lubricants are your friend. 

There are different types of personal lubricants, for example, Astroglide, K-Y Liquid/Jelly. You can find them in most stores, pharmacies, or online.

There are other natural forms of lubricants, like coconut oil, olive oil, and oils from nuts (though these might be messier to handle and some people have allergies.) 

But general, lubricants decrease friction and bruising during lovemaking. They also encourage a woman’s body to secrete its own lubrication. 

Pro Tip

• Add “tube of personal lubricant” to your (plural) to-buy list. 

8. Stay local

I polled my blog readers and asked how many had sex on their wedding night. 

A good number of couples did not consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Most cited exhaustion and travel as the main reasons.

A wedding can be an exhausting affair. Adding honeymoon travel right after a long day might deplete you. It might further decrease the chances of happiness between the sheets.

Staying local, either in your home or a local hotel, is becoming more common. Instead of leaving immediately after your wedding, think about planning your trip so you can spend a night at home or in a local hotel before starting your honeymoon travels.

9. If you don’t want to become parents on your wedding night…

Do something about it.

Generally speaking, Man + Woman + Sex = Possible Conception.

If you don’t want to conceive on your wedding night, take steps to avoid conception. 

Pro Wedding Night Tips for Grooms

• Remember, contraception and family planning are a joint responsibility. Don’t assume she will do something about it. Engage. And while you are at it, talk about everything else: children – how many, when, how to raise them. Good books and healthy premarital prep comes in handy here. 
• Read these posts and share them with your bride Our Journey with Contraceptives and Birth Control {Part 1} ,  Our Journey with Contraceptives and Birth Control {Part 2}

10. Eat

Don’t skip meals.

Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And no, the wedding cake does not count as food.

Eat your meals, and your evening-self will thank you.

11. Don’t forget to nurture your connection on your wedding day

The wedding day is all about celebrating your love with family, friends, and your uncle. Aka crowd.

Right after our vow exchange ceremony and before the photo-shoot, I needed to use the bathroom (no TMI, I promise.)

Having been a single girl all my life, I assumed my bridesmaid would help me with my beautiful-and-oh-so-complicated wedding dress and train. But she smiled and stepped back. Because now I had a husband.

Dashing Husband and I walked into the bathroom together: it was the first time we were alone. In a bathroom. Together. It was awkward for a second before giggles broke to the surface and smoothed away tension.

Pro Wedding Night Tips For Grooms

• Don’t be so consumed by the events and others that you neglect to nurture your intimate connection. Connect through out the day. Complement each other. Whisper and touch. Giggle and laugh. Pursue each other. Remember, the day is ultimately all about you.
  
• Watch your emotions and margins. Someone messed the wedding cake? It gets cut up anyway. Your uncle is making a silly but uncomfortable scene in front of everyone? Have someone address it. Protect your emotions and energy at all costs.

12. Remember, the good stuff is in the details 

You’ve put a lot of effort into the front end because you want to look good on your wedding day. Don’t forget the behind-the-scenes.

Kick out the briefs will holes in them. Get new tees. Exercise. Get the mints. 

Wedding Night Tips For Grooms: Your Breakthrough Moment

One of the most valuable things you can do for your wedding night – and your marriage as a whole – is to nurture your friendship. It’s friendship, not just physical desire, that fuels lasting and fulfilling sexual intimacy

Remember the new-husband-with-his-virgin-bride-standing-in-a-ladies-bathroom scene? (Mr Dashing Husband and me.)

It was an awkward introduction to the intimate moments of a married relationship. But we had focused on growing a friendship through out our dating and the awkwardness didn’t last very long.

That same friendship was the the backbone of our wedding night later on, helping us work through discomfort, jitters, lost luggage and chicken pox.

Focus on growing a deep friendship: you can work through a lot, when your teammate is also your best friend.

So there you have it. 12 wedding night tips for grooms.

I invite you to continue your education by picking up my book The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality Health and Happiness in Marriage.

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