What do you do when you don’t trust your husband?
Maybe he did something that chipped (or stripped) away trust in your relationship.
Maybe you are suspicious of something but you don’t know how to bring it up.
First let me say that I have never been at a place where I lost all trust with my husband.
But I’ve had moments, especially in the early days when I wondered if he still loved me or cared for me like he did before we were married.
Most of us wives are familiar with the feeling: “If he loved and cared for me as he should, he would not do that”
So lets look at what to do when trust becomes an issue in your marriage. If you are new here, I am not a professional counselor. My thoughts are meant to help you process the situation and help you get to the next step.
1. Understand that trust is earned, not freely given
For women, security in marriage is a big deal. You gave your heart to this guy and you expect him to keep it safe. That’s a good expectation.
However there’s a dark side to our need for security. When our love for peace and stability overcomes our love for a healthy God-honoring marriage, then there’s a problem.
When we ignore warning signs and allow our spouse to manipulate and control us to silence (as opposed to being bold) ..that’s a huge problem.
If you are in a situation where your husband is subtly or not so subtly blaming, shaming, manipulating, controlling in efforts to keep you quiet, I want you to think about it this way.
Your husband did not fall into your life with an all access pass.
He had to woo you, pursue you and prove himself before you gave him your heart.
If on your first date your beloved had told you “I am a nice guy, I love God, I work hard. Just trust me. Marry me. I am telling the truth”, chances are you might not be together today.
No matter how awesome and great he thought he was, he had to prove it to you. He had to build trust.
Both of you came into marriage with certain expectations and understanding.
When these things are broken (or suspicion arises), you have a right to stop, talk and evaluate what is going on.
You have a right to hold each other accountable, to walk it out together until trust is rebuilt.
You or he can’t say “But I told you I changed, why don’t you trust me?” It takes more than words.
Trust is not earned by words only, but by consistent deed and action.
It’s okay to have expectations on behavior and to hold each other accountable.
There’s a process to rebuilding trust it. Expect it.
2. Talk to God about it
The worst thing you can do when trust is broken or suspicion arises is to confront your spouse with raw emotions.
From experience, starting a discussion while your emotions are exploding through the roof will land you on a different planet than the one you were aiming for.
You’ll reap the opposite of what you are trying to achieve.
Confronting your spouse while high on emotions might get you (temporary) emotional relief but it won’t give you the lasting answers you need.
And that’s why you need to go to God first, not your husband. God not only understands your emotions but He also wants to restore health and healing.
So pray before you confront. Still your heart before God.
You don’t know your husbands heart but God does.
So seek His wisdom and counsel.
Ask Him how He wants you to handle the situation.
Ask Him to help you with your emotions and thoughts.
Just because you have a suspicion doesn’t mean you should run out of the door and be all over the issue. As you pray and wait on God, He will help you separate truth from imaginations.
Psalms 145:18 says
The LORD is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth.
3. Talk to your husband.
Keeping it together might be one of the hardest thing you have to do. But you have to try.
Because it’s not enough to have inner peace, you must to bring that peace in to your conversation with your husband.
You must keep a steely determination towards your goal. That means watching your tone of voice, your words, your body language.
Maybe it might help to think about what you want out of that conversation.
Do you want to get to the bottom of things? Do you want to understand?
Or is your goal to start mind-numbing soul-crashing fight that leave you worse off than before?
Also it might help to remember that no matter what you think you know, you really don’t know your man’s heart.
Only God knows.
1 Kings 8:39
then hear in heaven your dwelling place and forgive and act and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways for you, you only, know the hearts of all the children of mankind.
4. Involve trusted mentors
Depending on the situation, bring in trusted counsel.
Proverbs 11:14 says
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
The key here is trusted biblical counsel and it can be in form of a Christian counselor, your pastor or mentor.
You want to go to people who share your values, people who value marriage as much as you do, people who will root for the health and healing of your marriage, not it’s demise.
What if your husband does not want to involve outside help and forbids you to seek it?
Well, as a wife who has first and foremost sought the Lord, one who is constantly working for the health of her marriage – you will do exactly what the Bible instructs you to.
Ephesians 5:22 says
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Christ comes first. His will come’s first.
He wants your marriage whole and healthy, He wants both of your whole and restored.
Whenever your husband’s will and the Lord’s will collide, you are to obey the Lord first.
If your marriage is in danger and your husband does not want to seek help, as his Helpmeet, you join in his sin when you keep quiet.
5. Forgiveness and trust are two different things.
Trust is earned but forgiveness is free.
Your husband doesn’t have to prove himself to earn your forgiveness.
Ephesians 4:31 – 32 says
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
We forgive freely because because Christ forgave us.
Nonetheless putting boundaries in place, to foster and help rebuild trust does not mean you have not forgiven.
For example, if it’s financial mismanagement, handing over all the financial decisions to him “because you forgave him” is not wise.
If he’s breaking boundaries with the opposite sex, having access to his social media, emails, internet use does not mean you have not forgiven.
You want to walk the road to real healing and restoration and that means putting boundaries in place and sticking to those boundaries.
No easy road
There’s no easy process to confronting trust issues in marriage. My quick thoughts are meant to affirm you and point you in the right direction.
For more insights, read the following posts.
What what wisdom can you add? Is this something you have walked through in your marriage? How did you navigate?