Why Christians Need to Focus on Understanding Why People Leave the Church
Why is it so hard for some to explore why people leave the church?
Why do Christians like to focus on “don’t forsake the gathering” while giving little to no attention to the quality of gatherings?
Last week, I wrote a blog post, asking whether one can be a Christian if they are no longer part of an organized congregation. (Great conversations on Facebook and Threads by the way.)
A reader left a comment on the blog post, noting, among other things, that “Christianity is definitely a collective faith, not a personal individual one.” I agreed.
In the Western world, faith is often a personal experience. Even within large communities, the focus is often on the individual aspect of faith rather than the communal responsibility and connection.
Other parts of the world tend to follow the early church norm, where faith was more communal than personal/individualistic.
While I agree with the collective practice of faith, I see the problems that arise if we’re not careful. Which I think is what is happening when Christians criticize other Christians for not being part of an organized congregation, instead of exploring why people leave the church.
If we’re not careful, we will insist that people keep their “responsibility” to the gathering regardless of its quality. We will hold the gatherers accountable in a way that we don’t hold the systems they gather under (the church as an organization.) Read More When Pastors Exploit in the Name of Christ
We will tell people they need the church but don’t tell the church (i.e., systems, doctrine, leaders) that they are accountable for how they treat people and the environments they create. Read More Should Pastors Confess Sins Publicly? Should We Forgive and Forget?
If we’re going to talk about “not forsaking the gathering,” then we also need to discuss what happens when the gathering devours those who gather. Read More Why It Doesn’t Matter How Much Pastors Say “I’m Sorry”
The conversation can’t be one-sided. Some people think it is, but it’s not. Before we tell people to stay in church, we need to explore, reflect on and address the issues causing people to leave the church.
(And they are not obligated to come back, by the way. The idea that people just need to heal and then join the church is not fully informed. Nobody is obligated to rejoin systems and relationships that oppressed, marginalized, and oppressed them—not on someone else’s time clock anyway. And if they choose never to join another church, controlling, exhausting, assimilating systems are to blame for that.)
Understanding Why People Leave the Church
Here’s something to remember before telling someone, “You NEED the church,” and “The Bible says you need the fellowship.”
Many who left the church building were part of the church. Let that sink in. We’re not not speaking to non-church folks. We’re talking to a group that already valued Christian community. They were part of a congregation before they left. They were in.
So preaching at them about how much they need the church is well..pointless. They know. They were there. Often, people don’t simply wake up one day and decide to leave the church. They have reasons.
- They are victims and survivors of domestic violence who were excommunicated by their church.
- They are the parent being pressured by church elders to “love and forgive” their spouse who was found out to have child sexual abuse material in their devices.
- They are the othered and marginalized, expected to conform to male-white-centered evangelical systems.
- They are the faithful who gave and gave and gave, but it was never enough for their plantation-minded church leader.
- They are steadfast and devoted, traumatized by church systems that prioritize multiplication and production over the care of God’s people.
- They are the curious and maturing, pushed out by zero tolerance for questions, empathy, and awareness.
People don’t simply wake up one day and decide to leave the church. It often takes years to make that decision (whether to temporarily or permanently leave the church building). And even after leaving their original congregation, many continue to explore other churches and congregations.
The Worst Thing Christians Do
Christians like to yell and throw tomatoes at those leaving the church building. Which is the opposite of what Jesus would do.
I doubt that He who came to proclaim good news to the poor and unfree, who came to switch on the light for the unseeing and liberate the oppressed, and proclaim God’s presence (see Luke 4:18), would be part of a crowd throwing barbs, sarcasm, and stones at the wounded limping out of a building.
I believe Jesus would be wrapping up the wounds of the suffering and offering them shelter and healing. When we fail to follow His example, it begs the question of who we are truly following.
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I just recently left my church of 14 years. There is not one reason entirely that I left, but what it came down to, in my opinion, is that there was no real “mechanism” in place by the leadership to really solicit honest and transparent conversations.
As a congregant, not in leadership, bringing up unsolicited concerns feels like that person will be just perceived as a “complainer”; so many remain quiet. In the power dynamic of this relationship, the power lies with the pastors/ leadership. Therefore, they should be the ones providing a mechanism in their church that allows congregants the opportunity to share their thoughts and opinions regularly- both the good and the bad, and approach this with the humility of truly wanting to know and understand the climate of how their congregants are feeling in being cared for and led in the church body. Although I approached some conversations lightly and honestly at the most appropriate and natural times I had, I was also met with defensiveness and explanations, which communicated that my concerns were not truly being considered or really taken as something to be valued. Instead, it felt like it was perceived that I was just another “complainer” and they were trying to “hold their ground” and defend their stance. I was not attacking them, I was heartbreakingly concerned. Over the past year or so, there has been, what I would call, a church exodus of some of the most invested members of the church that have been there since the beginning of our church or just after. That is alarming. (I am aware of a handful that made an appointment and met with leadership or that wrote letters to communicate why they left. It did not seem to be concerning to the leadership.)
A mechanism in place to solicit good and bad input from congregants is important, but won’t matter if there is no desire from leadership to really take an honest look at what their congregants are sharing with them as concerns. Leadership that doesn’t solicit and include its congregants’ voices in decision-making is concerning and invites a power-over dynamic in a church.
Perhaps I would not have left the church if I had felt invited to share and my voice honestly valued when I did share?
Not totally on topic, but perhaps we should also look into exactly what is meant by “not forsaking the assembly”. Does that mean you must be there every Sunday, or twice on Sunday and Wednesday, or does once a month fulfill the requirement? In the church we used to be in, to them it pretty much meant every time the doors were open—twice on Sun. and on Wed.
I sincerely appreciate your blog, including this article. As a pastor for decades in the traditional and institutional church I am very familiar with this conversation and the lack of this conversation. It is real, needed and so very complex. Thank you for bringing it up. The relational components and often duality of relationships in churches make them some of the most complex family systems, in my opinion. Often parishioners leaving won’t/don’t have honest conversations and those left wonder why their friends are gone. Often those leaving have been conditioned over the years to not “speak evil”, so truth in love never gets communicated. As a church leader there can be a real temptation to do our very best to keep the “equilibrium” steady and not make any waves by addressing the inadequacy in our own leadership, culture and systems of the churches we lead. Leaders have a vested and financial motivation to keep things moving up and to the right. I sure don’t have all the answers, but I appreciate you asking great questions. I once heard a pastor at a pastors conference say, “leavers are liars”. He wasn’t attacking them, what he meant was rarely is there a truly honest conversation about why someone is leaving. Nice Christianesse answers are given, but issues in either party are not addressed. May we the body of Christ be continually be confirmed to His image.