Are Men Designed to Obsess About Sex? (The Problem with Kevin Leman’s Sheet Music)
Are men designed to obsess about sex?
This week, I came across a post on Sheila Gregoire’s Facebook page where she was “fixing” a quote by popular marriage author Kevin Leman.
The quote is from Leman’s book Sheet Music, where he writes, “Let’s talk about making Mr. Happy smile. Mr. Happy likes to be kissed.” (Yup, he wrote that.)
Sheila had an idea. “How about we just don’t talk about oral sex in a way that sounds like a super creepy children’s puppet show?” And she explained how evangelical resources infantilize women and why things need to change.
I happen to have Sheet Music, which I bought years ago, so I found the page where Leman talks about Mr Happy, aka a penis. I shared my thoughts under Sheila’s post and today, I’m going to expand my thoughts!
(I was thinking about doing a full book review, but I don’t have the capacity for it right now. So what might happen is that I’ll keep sharing some of the disturbing teachings I find in the book (and others!), a post at a time.)
The Problem with Sheet Music, By Kevin Leman
When I first read Sheet Music (8ish years ago), I found it really descriptive. But back then, I thought, “Well, he’s a professional. He’s a Christian. He’s trying to help. It’s not his fault that I’m this uncomfortable: I probably need to loosen up and detach.” Turns out distancing oneself while trying to learn is just hard!
(And also turns out that Christian marriage resources, including sex books, don’t have to be so illustrative that they leave a reader super uncomfortable or flustered. Please keep reading for a great recommendation!)
This week, as I began flipping through Sheet Music and skipping sections, I realized I now have a name for what I was feeling: Grossed out. Kevin Leman is heavy on unnecessary explicit instruction. Maybe some people don’t mind details, but honestly, it’s also deeply weird because it’s a man writing these things! But that wasn’t the thing that disturbed me the most.
What was more disturbing was Leman’s insistence on the “men need sex and women need to provide it” message. For example, page 145, (and there are many other sections where he repeats the same things) he writes, “Unfortunately, it has become culturally acceptable to bash men and to transform the male species into narrow creatures who think only through their penis. That’s not true;”
But he follows this thought with, “sexually fulfilled men think about sex far less than sexually frustrated men! If your husband is obsessed with sex, it might be because he doesn’t feel that he’s experiencing it enough!”
In my head, I was going, which is which, Leman? Is it a hurtful cliche or truth? Because we can’t have it both ways. We can’t say men are not controlled by their penises, and right after that state having sex keeps men from obsessing about sex.
Are Men Designed to Obsess About Sex?
Leman is not the only evangelical author to say men are wired to obsess about sex, that women should accept that’s how they are wired (“keep reminding yourself of this: “God made my husband that way” pg 144) and the answer to a husband’s obsession is for a wife to engage with it.
That line thinking has led to significant problems in Christian marriages. In research shared in their book The Great Sex Rescue, authors Sheila Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky found out that “The evangelical church has a sexual culture that leads to lower orgasm rates, less marital satisfaction, and even higher rates of sexual pain.”
Messages such as men need sex and women are obligated to provide it lead to bad outcomes for women and marriages. Read More:Do You Owe Your Husband Sex? Duty Sex in Marriage Nobody enjoys obligation or coercion: We thrive when we can access our capacity to choose, when we have access to agency and independence.
To the question “Are men designed to obsess about sex?” here’s what we need to understand:
- A man who is obsessed with sex does not have a “withholding wife” problem (as Leman and many others have suggested.)
- Feeding compulsive behavior does not fix it.
- Healthy men see their wives as whole human beings, not as objects for self-gratification.
- Men who have internalized unhealthy teachings and want to do better will listen to feedback, wrestle with the truth, and commit to doing better. They reflect on and heal their values, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.
- Healthy people gravitate towards treating others with kindness and respect. Regulating themselves (Vs. co-opting others to a journey they won’t take) is something they take seriously.
Healthy, Evidence-based Sex Advice
I’m so happy there’s better messaging and resources for couples who want to enjoy pleasurable, mutual, connected sex!
We don’t have to listen to authors who say that men need sex and women are obligated to provide it. Women don’t have to accept that men are always thinking about sex and even feeling aroused around them (Seriously, if you want to scare women, just keep telling them that all man are on a sexual thought loop 24-7!)
We can offer healthy, non-harming resources to couples who want new depth in their connection…without eye-popping, heart-churning ickyness.
The Orgasm Course (referral link) by Sheila Gregoire’s is one such resource! It’s a 5-step, informative video, lessons, and activities – all designed to help couples who want to make sex feel great for both! (Not just one!)
And it comes with both wife and husband editions! In the course, you learn physiology, pinpoint the biggest roadblocks, increase the mind-body connection, get all the tips and exercises to enhance physical technique, validation, and relief, and so much more!
In the men’s edition, the men “learn that sex is more than just intercourse and why God designed women with a clitoris, what often holds women back from orgasm, and the importance of keeping the relationship strong, too.” And so much more!
It’s a fun, educative, evidence-based course! Check it out here! (It’s also a great gift to give newlyweds!)
Are Men Designed to Obsess About Sex?
Kevin Leman and other evangelical marriage authors believe it’s acceptable for men to coerce their wives into having sex. They argue that God designed men to be “chemically drawn” (Pg 144) to their wives, and that their sexual drive motivates them to “get physically close to [their wives] on a regular and consistent basis.”
People. True connection involves mutual tenderness, consideration, honor, and respect and those are the things that lead to depth of intimacy and connection and that ultimately leads to better sex for both partners.
I have never encountered or heard of a woman who welcomes the idea of a husband connecting solely for sex. It’s a major turn-off for women. But Leman is saying, “Well, ladies. Sex is actually how he feels close to you. There’s a chemical thing going on and without it, he wouldn’t be getting close to you on a regular and consistent basis.” (Do these authors know how they sound to women??)
Leman is not describing healthy sexuality. Healthy husbands don’t draw close because they want to have sex: Sex is just part of the relationship. It’s not the thing that makes the relationship work. Healthy men draw close because they want a whole-person connection with their partner. Yes, men are capable of healthy emotional connection.
Unhealthy and downright harming messaging such as Leman’s replace emotional connection with physical release. But “chemical” dependence, aka sexual dependence, is not the way of health.
We need to stop painting men as disembodied beings who need a “chemical draw”, (whatever that is) just to be close to their wives. As if men are incapable of getting close without some type of sexual payoff. As if men do not need emotional connection, just as women do.
We can do better. And we have healthy resources to help us do just that! CHECK OUT THE ORGASM COURSE NOW!
FOOTNOTE: Are men designed to obsess about sex? Sometimes the authors who write problematic and harmful stuff also give healthier-sounding advice. Like Leman saying we should stop believing cliches about men but with his next breath reinforces the cliche. So they’ll say husbands need sex and also the husband should consider the wife’s needs too. But think about it. If you teach that God created a man to have a chemical sexual dependence of his wife, which “need” will be most prioritized? She has no “dependence.”
It’s like saying, “You both need water, but you (wife) can survive without it, but he’ll die without it.” (Of course, water is not in the same realm as sex..but I hope you get the point!) When we tell men they need sex as a God-designed way and a wife needs to meet that need, then we’re in essence saying his sexual fulfillment trumps everything. For healthier teaching, please check out The Orgasm Course! It’s fun and educative and healthy…without the icky stuff!
Hi Ngina
1. What happens when my partner is no longer sexually attracted to me. Is it because he has other sexual partners outside our marriage?
2. How do I start a conversation openly about sex with him so that he understands how I feel and how do i want it and to make him understand that he doesn’t get me where I want without making him angry.