Happiness in Marriage: It’s More Than Just a Choice
“Happiness is a choice. Just make the decision to be happy and your marriage will be the better for it.”
I’ve heard countless times – from readers, books, sermons, and marriage influencers – that one of the most important decisions in marriage is the decision to be happy.
The idea being that married people just need to disconnect from their circumstances and choose joy: In evangelical and adjacent communities, the strong push is for joy and happiness without the foundational aspects.
For example, according to author Gary Thomas, Christian couples must consider how God intended marriage to make them holy, not happy.
Martha Peace, author of The Excellent Wife, says a wife’s lack of peace and joy comes from her decision to sin (and Martha’s idea of “sin” includes the strong responses a wife may have due to her husband’s wounding style of relating.)
Happiness in Marriage: More Than Just a Choice
Pursuing a specific action without acknowledging important underlying principles just leads to toxic chaos:
Women in one-sided, chronically hard marriages are shamed for not finding fulfillment in their toxic marriages: their inability to bypass their God-given radar for truth, and dignity labeled the problem; their inability to deaden their bodies and souls named a sin to be repented of.
Along the same vein, women in well-adjusted marriages experiencing typical (not necessarily acceptable) growth-related issues are expected to wish themselves to some utopia, where they don’t really address issues but simply determine to be small, quiet, and unfussy. “Ignore yourself to a happy marriage!” is the clarion call.
We need to do better.
In my soon-to-be-released book (Update: now available here!) I talk about what it takes to be happy in a marriage. And yes, there’s a nuance to the happiness conversation. But that conversation cannot even begin until we address the widespread minimization and suppression of emotions and lived experience in the faith community.
Tired of bad marriage books? Same.
That’s why I wrote The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage, a refreshing take on what actually builds connection in a relationship — no fear-based teaching, no self-erasure, no “just sacrifice more” messaging. It’s about creating a marriage grounded in love, honor, and care — and knowing how to recognize when things slip off track. It also makes a fabulous gift for your favorite engaged or newlywed couple. Check it out here.
Happiness in Marriage: More Than Just a Choice
The reality is, relationship satisfaction does not occur in isolation; it’s not simply a choice. We can’t “just be happy” in a disjointed, immature or hurting relationship.
And contrary to some evangelical authors like Martha Peace, when a relationship hurts, our feelings of sadness, disconnection, anger, and even numbness are not a sin.
They are normal human responses when promises and expectations are broken, and there’s no clear path to relief, repair, and lasting healing. The Newlyweds (for dating, new and maturing couples) is validation for partners in their quest for healthy connection in marriage.
Far too often, women are told they expect too much, talk too much, want too much…and then expected to carry the bulk of emotional, relational and household labor. She should lower her expectations and also take on more responsibilities.
Women are breaking out of that cage and accepting that marriage is not meant to be a drag on our souls; when it is, we can do something about it – God doesn’t expect us to endure unhealth or suffering silently.
Church teachings and practices have said we can wish ourselves to marital happiness: we just need to believe it or pray it or just.do.it. That perspective is extremely damaging to women in destructive marriages and hinders those in healthy marriages experiencing growth-related issues.
Remember: You can love your spouse to the moon and back, but it’s a belly-up operation unless that person is ready to love you back by taking responsibility for their end of the relationship.
It takes two willing people to generate enduring change in a relationship. If one person has dialed out, the other can’t dial-in on their behalf. Without mutual responsibility for the fundamentals of a relationship, true relationship happiness will remain elusive.
Happiness in Marriage: More Than Just a Choice: A Reflection: When people say you can choose happiness without basic principles in place, ask yourself: Would I have gotten married without a level of emotional connection? What would have been an appropriate response if there was no emotional connection while dating?
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Very accurate, I actually asked questions about this happiness is a choice analogy, how does an abused wife become happy when they are in pain, probably nursing physical wounds or having memories of emotional and psychological wounds. I was told to be more intune with God.
What an awful response (and expectation!)