Why Christians Don’t Get Married to Get Divorced
Have you heard the saying, “Married people give up too easily”? Or its cousin, “Married Christians just need to trust God more?”
Have you noticed how this duo often appears when discussing deeply problematic marriage situations?
While not every “hard marriage” has dynamics of power and control (and some people end their marriage for reasons other than abuse, neglect, and betrayal), people of faith are not paying attention if we believe that most people get married to get divorced.
Let’s chase this convo together.
Why Christians don’t get married to get divorced
Christians tend to believe what their pastors or popular Christian leaders teach.
They believe their messages because that’s how people of faith are conditioned: to trust that clergy and influential Christians “hear from God,” want the best for us, and understand what they teach.
“God hates divorce,” “Marriage is a picture of our relationship with Christ,” + every teaching that tells Christians marriage is unbreakable and that God expects them to stay married, no matter what feels like healthy god-approved exhortation.
And so they believe.
So, in 2024, to imagine congregants getting married with the goal of jumping out when it gets a little tricky…is just drawing outside the lines of reality.
I love a comment Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life Saving Divorce left when I shared this thought on Facebook.
People who describe all divorce as immature and flighty don’t realize that 1/2 of US [it’s likely the numbers are same worldwide] divorces are for very serious reasons. People who leave these marriages have hung in there for a long time. They have forgiven and reconciled over and over. They’ve agonized and prayed over their marriage for a long time. They’ve counted the cost of divorce many times. But finally, the price of staying is too high, and they realize that for their own sake and the sake of their children, they must take the step of divorce.”
Gretchen Baskerville, Facebook Comment
Exactly.
It takes a tremendous amount of resolve and untangling to choose truth in the face of ingrained unhealthy beliefs about God, self, and marriage.
Truth sets you free, but choosing truth when you are conditioned to see it as an enemy is incredibly hard. Read more Dear Christians, Divorce is Not The First Thing She Thinks About (Here’s Why)
Abuse is about patterns, not one-off behavior
People who say, “Married people give up too easily,” don’t seem to understand (or won’t accept) that abuse is not a one-off behavior.
I had a post go viral on Threads over the weekend after I shared a list of reasons why Christian women don’t leave good marriages, despite popular belief that they do.
The reality is most Christian women are not escaping their marriages because of growth-related issues. As Gretchen notes above, they leave for serious reasons.
Unfortunately, even though things are changing, many people still don’t understand abuse and how it shows up in relationships. They still don’t understand that abuse is not a one-off behavior. It’s a pattern of coercing, exploiting, neglectful, betraying, behavior. It’s a wounding style of relating that an individual at fault never takes responsibility for.
Additionally, there’s a difference between growth-related issues between two honoring adults and entrenched patterns of wounding behavior from a spouse. There’s a difference between typical (not necessarily acceptable) growth-related marriage problems between two respectful, honoring people and entrenched patterns of wounding from a partner. Read More Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Spouse: How To Differentiate
The former can be addressed because people can take responsibility for their issues and change.
The latter can’t because the individual at fault won’t take responsibility for their abuse, exploitation, hardcore, neglect, and betrayal and, therefore, won’t change.
Evangelical and evangelical adjacent Christianity, with its heavy emphasis on forgiveness, grace, perseverance, and gender roles, often conflate the two, leading to mixed messages and more harm.
There’s a great need within faith communities to change perceptions around chronically problematic marriages and divorce.
Christians don’t get married to get divorced and we must start paying attention and change what we teach and believe.
If you’d like a quick exploration of systems of love and honor, my friend Sarah McDugal has written a simple and easy-to-understand ebook that outlines 13 behavior patterns that create safe relationships. Check it out here. (that’s a refferal link, fyi.)
Courage: The truth sets you free
For many women, “marriage issues” are actually a misuse of power. The above-the-surface issues are just the tip of an iceberg, and underneath is a giant ice block of hardcore irresponsibility and harm. And women find themselves silenced, doubting themselves in seasons where clarity would serve them most. They are stripped of power when advocating for themselves is most needed. I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul for women who are tired of damaging theology, popular but harming “church” culture, and bad marriage teachings.ORDER COURAGE ON AMAZON OR PDF.
