Gender Roles, Evangelical Fundamentalism, and The Justifications We Make for Harmful Behavior

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I’ve been away from the blog, recovering from surgery and while away, someone left a comment under an older post on Instagram that got me thinking.

Now, we can’t influence people who don’t want to wrestle with a different point of view. A part of me knows that.

But another part really wants to convince people to have higher values, especially when the current norm hurts others.

gender roles evangelical fundamentalism

In that older post on Instagram, I was talking about how Ephesians 5:22 is often used to counter Ephesians 5:21. I explored how we’ve misunderstood Paul’s words to homes and marriages. (You can read the actual blog post here Does the Bible Tell Husbands to Submit to Their Wives?)

And in response to my post, someone wrote in the comments, “the Bible is clear that men are the head of their wives. Men and women are different in role but equal in value.” (part of his comment.)

He took me waay back. Back to when I said the same thing..word for word. Men are the head/spiritual leaders of their wives. Men and women are different in role but equal in value.

It took me back back to when I was an evangelist for evangelical fundamentalism. Back to when I wrote blog posts about wives submitting to their husbands and what God expects from us (insert stern, demanding “biblical” things) and, I believed everyone who didn’t think as I did was wrong.

After re-evaluating and decolonizing my faith (still on that path), it’s now interesting to be lectured on the same beliefs I once passionately held.

But even more interesting is the assumption by some that I’m critical of harming beliefs and theology because I don’t understand them. That perhaps  more education will improve my surly view of harmful theology, which includes evangelicalism and his relatives.

Now, I get it.

The belief that we criticize what we do not understand is common in many faith spaces.

Unhooking from religious conditioning is hard. When you are fervent believer, sometimes it’s hard to accept that many who criticize the church do so because they are familiar with its ways and believe she can do better.

Which brings me to today’s blog…

I always have ideas to talk about and since I wasn’t able to explore them during my time away, I thought I’d compile some of them into a single blog post!

Big announcement!

I’m thrilled to announce the release date for my revised book, The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage (formerly titled Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily-Ever-After in the Early Years). Pre-orders open on January 28th! The book releases on February 10th 2025. More information below!

Without further ado and in no particular order, here are eight random (and not so-random) things that have been on my mind lately. On gender roles, evangelical fundamentalism, the justifications we make for harmful behavior and more..

Gender Roles, Evangelical Fundamentalism, and The Justifications We Make for Harmful Behavior (8 Thoughts)

1. It’s not enough to call yourself a Christian

It’s not enough to call yourself a Christian; you must pursue becoming a safe human being, too. 

Far too often, Christian =  mean and unsafe. And usually because “the faithful” see their sourness as godly commitment and character. Thus, the test should not be Am I Christian enough, but am I loving? And that, with the understanding that human beings can discern what love feels like.

2. Big name evangelical authors often equate a healthy sex life with a husband’s enjoyment.

And then they don’t see how their one-sided prescription for married sex is a turn-off for women and healthy men.

When normal people have a problem with their definition, they just dismiss them with “You don’t get it.” (example, author and pastor Gary Thomas.) They choose not to see how their one-sided prescription is bad for for her and the marriage. And that’s really sad. Read Blog Post Are Men Designed to Obsess About Sex? (The Problem with Kevin Leman’s Sheet Music)

3. The Christian struggle with hard stories

People offering solutions to unknown health conditions is a thing that still catches me by surprise.

Re: A few weeks ago, I talked about finally receiving a diagnosis – after many years of chronic pain – and pursuing a management path. I did not say what my diagnosis was, but I got offered treatment ideas.

I know people mean well, that they want to help. Still, when you’ve been sick and searching and in pain, and people tell you, “Here’s something you should try,” it can land weird. “This worked great for me, you should try it” is strange when you don’t know someone’s pain generators.  Read More Of “Testimonies”, Bewildering Hallelujahs and the Christian Reluctance to Sit with Hard Stories

4. When people say, “You are hard on men”…

..I need to remember to respond, “Perhaps another helpful view is to consider how hard we’ve been on women.”

5. Charmed or familiar?

I think people who get along great with users and exploiters are 1) in the charmed season or 2) have something in common with abuser. What do you think?

6. The problem with “Christian evangelism”

The problem with “Christian evangelism” as it has been practiced in the past and continues to be practiced today, is that it has no room for the human being. It’s often about numbers, conversions, assimilation.

So missionaries go abroad, convinced they are paying a price to do God’s work, feeling entitled to specific outcomes.

And the nationals become fuel to be used up – financially, emotionally, spiritually, and through free labor – to meet evangelizing, conversation, program, and assimilation goals. But these ideals are the furthest things from the Jesus they say they follow.

Remember these words as you sit in church, listening to a report from a faraway land. Read More Can We Talk About the Idolization of Christian Missionaries?

gender roles evangelical fundamentalism

I’m glad for a new generation in Kenya and other indigenous lands around the world that is not only deconstructing but also decolonizing. The church continues to decry and condemn their questions and refusal to settle for what has been. But I’m just so proud that there’s a generation that will not put up with some of the stuff we put up with.

7. When we justify harmful behavior rather than confront it

Sometimes I feel like “I don’t dehumanize anyone, even those who cause harm” statement from creators and educators is code for “I make excuses for people who cause harm.”

In our attempt to notice the humanness of people who cause harm, I feel like some of us fall into the hole of making excuses, instead of holding the line of accountability. Our words begin to sound like explanations for why harmful people cannot be fully held accountable for their current behaviors.

But what many professionals agree on is that past events do not make people abusive. Childhood trauma does not make someone a purveyor of traumatic stress. Abusiveness is not mental health issue. Feeling entitled to power and control – these are are choices people make.

8. Gender roles and returning to a healthy baseline

One of the best things about removing gender roles (male leadership, female submission)  is that it makes growth easier. 

Without bending ourselves to fit into odd boxes, it’s easier to know yourself and your partner...your actual characteristics (good or not-so-great) more easily ride to the surface because there are no filters, deflection, bypassing, diminishing, or excuses.

And that makes the growth path easier to see. You can more easily discern what you have because there are no longer preconceived notions, molds, and scripts to follow—nothing to blur and confuse. You are left with only yourselves.

And for the willing and committed, there’s relief and ease because there are no restrictions. Just showing up and growing without scripts and burdens to live up to.

And that’s why I’m excited about my newest book (a revised title) which will releases February 10th 2025. Pre-orders open on 27the January. In The Newlyweds I want to help couples co-design a life and marriage that both people enjoy. And I want individuals to know when a marriage is not working.

The newlyweds

In the book, I talk about how we were taught to do marriage vs what actually works. I address myths, unhelpful frameworks and harmful theology and explore how we can heal and grow. I share stories, examples, and data to help us move forward with clarity and confidence. I’m super happy about this resource!

I may not change everyone’s mind, but I can provide food for thought and brighten the path for those willing to see it. That’s what truly matters in the end! And I’m sharing clear and accessible ways to co-create a healthy happy marriage that both people enjoy. You in? Stay tuned for more!

Courage: Confronting Gender Roles and Evangelical Fundamentalism

“I love this book. It has been redemptive and healing in ways that are hard to explain. In this book, I have found a bearing witness to the raw, unbearable pain that has been experienced because of the toxicity of patriarchy – that is finely woven together with threads of liberation  and love that erase shame and bring hope.” ~ Reader Review. ORDER COURAGE ON AMAZON OR PDF.

Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul

2 Comments

  1. #5 stood out to me, also. I think in my case there was the element of being covert. Not to mention being well versed in scripture (KJ only)
    And an “excellent” bible teacher.
    We are currently separated and the division of “friends” has begun. Even my own mother and sister are supporters of him. Thanks for what you do sis. You have been a voice for me when I had no words. May God keep you, heal you and bless you exponentially.

  2. Ohh I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on 5. Charmed or familiar? Watching seemingly nice, friendly people be friends with users, exploiters, just plain mean “christians” truly blows my mind. It’s can’t wrap my head around it. Makes it hard to trust.

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