Dear Complementarian Husband, A Marriage Operating Through a System of Power and Control is Abusive
Does complementarianism enable abuse in marriage?
This week on Facebook, we’ve been talking about love, sparked by a post I “fixed” a few days back, where Dale Partridge had told husbands, “Men, don’t just love your wife, lead your wife. Pray with her. Read to her. Teach her Scripture. Take her on a journey to Christ.”
I offered that love IS actually the main thing. And that women were not children. And that they have a Savior, (and it’s not their husbands.)
This post is Part 3 of my thoughts on love and “leadership” in marriage, which I first shared on Facebook. For context, make sure to read Part 1: Are Husbands and Wives Equal? Exploring Evangelical Teachings on Submission in Marriage
And Part 2: Men, Why is Being Asked to Love Your Wife Such an Offensive Proposition?
There were a lot of great comments (the entire conversations have been taking place on Facebook.) But a lot of people also responded to the “fix” with “but the husband is the leader.” And I thought they missed the entire point.
Frankly, I was surprised by how some men (and women!) insisted on “leadership” in response to “love your wife.” And I thought if Christian men can’t respond to “men love your wives” (literally what the Bible tells them to do in Ephesians 5:25) with a resounding “Yes!” then Christian marriages are in trouble.
Does Complementarianism Enable Abuse in Marriage?
When men bristle and mock the idea of love as the highest call, it reveals who they really are and how much they have missed the mark. Related Post: Does the Complementarian Marriage Model Contradict Itself?
And perhaps no one has told them, but when an individual exerts power and control over another in a relationship, the correct term is “abuser.”
You see, abuse is about power and control. When Christian men aren’t satisfied with loving their wives but insist it’s a God-given right to control and direct and pseudo save, they are in fact, the FURTHEST thing from Christ-like.
In Luke 22:24-27, the disciples argued amongst themselves as to whom would be the greatest, and Jesus responded
“The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.” Luke 22:24-27
Throughout, Jesus models service. Serving borne out of great love for us. The road to “greatness” is paved with service borne out of great love.
If we don’t have love, we truly have nothing. And if we have an entitled, exploitative, coercing mindset and behaviors, in stead of love, we’re abusers.
We had many comments come through this week, including thoughts on how Christian men believe that being in charge, directing their wives, and making decisions IS love. And I think it’s tragic that men have been taught that way.
Nevertheless, a simple reflection on who Jesus is and what He modeled demonstrates a whole different kind of love. And that’s the example we should be following.
Does complementarianism enable abuse in marriage? Many conservative Christians don’t want to go there. But some Christian husbands already did.
A Note to Healthy Complementarians
Healthy complementarians: According to (affiliate link) research by Sheila Gregoire and her team, many Christians who follow the “husband leads and wife follows” model actually act differently in marriage.
Though they SAY the husband is the leader and the wife submits, they FUNCTION more like a team in marriage. So I am NOT saying all complementarian marriages are unhealthy. Just that complementarian marriages that are healthy practice a tender consideration of each other’s needs, desires, and personhood.
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Ngina, I love how you use the expression of personhood so much. This is one of the major problems with men who believe that being the so called leader gives them the right to consider women as dogs. Yes! a christian man actually said that to me once. And I usually wonder how is it that women went from being made in the image of God, “their” God, to being compared to dogs. The problem of the lack of recognition of personhood is one of the main issues that christian men express a lot of and a very destructive one at that. In subtle and not so subtle ways.