Does the Bible Tell Husbands to Submit to Their Wives?

Should husbands submit to their wives?

I recently shared reasons why some women no longer believe in the idea of wife-only submission.

Wife-only submission is a relationship dynamic where the husband does not submit to his wife but instead “takes on a leadership role” but the wife submits to the husband.

The post resonated with many, (but a few like Dallas Jenkins, creator and director of the popular The Chosen series disagreed) and I thought I’d add more thoughts, especially addressing the idea that the Bible doesn’t ask husbands to submit to their wives.

Alongside expanding on why husbands ought to submit to their wives, I’ll clarify my mission to those unfamiliar with it and who believe I’m too hard on Christianity, marriage, and men. At the end of the post, I’ll share an update (plus the back story) from Dallas Jenkins and The Chosen  

Let’s dive in.   

Does the Bible Tell Husbands to Submit to Their Wives? 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen Ephesians 5:22 (Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord) being used to counter Ephesians 5:21 (Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ). 

Many evangelical and evangelical-adjacent Christians do not believe submission in marriage goes both ways, i.e., that verse 21 applies to both men and women, husbands and wives.

Some will say, “But the Bible says wives submit yourselves to your husbands. It does not say husbands submit yourselves to your wives.”

The thing is, though, if we look at it that way, it also means wives are exempt from loving their husbands. Because in the same text, Paul singles out husbands to love. (With thanks to a Facebook Commenter who brought that up!)

But we all agree that wives ought to love their husbands also. We agree that husbands being asked to love their wives doesn’t exempt wives from doing the same. 

And that’s why it’s context matters. It’s important to

• Always keep the overall message of Scripture in mind (God, His love for humankind.)
• Always remember other contexts (like cultural and literal) as they give us an idea of why authors authored their writings the way they did. 

The big picture is God, and the authors are writing to particular people of a particular culture at a particular time in history to convey a message.  

The culture and society of Paul’s day had men in positions of power and authority. Marriage was an unequal institution, with men having power and privilege over wives. 

It was a heavily patriarchal and classist society, and Paul was asking believers to depart from their former ways and embrace the way of Christ. Christ was the standard. 

The text is about unity for believers, husbands, and wives included. Paul is not trying to encourage hierarchy. See Ephesians 5:22-33 in a Nutshell

What does the Bible say about husbands submitting to wives?

Let’s talk about the word “submit” in verse 22. 

The word “submit” does no t appear in verse 22 in some of the earliest manuscripts.

“In the Greek, Ephesians 5:22 … borrows the sense of “submit” from verse 21. There is no verb or participle that means “submit” in verse 22 in some of the oldest surviving Greek manuscripts. It was not unusual for Paul to make verbs and verbal ideas do double duty” – Marg Mowczko

In another article, Marg Mowczko explains, “Even though some of the oldest Greek manuscripts only have a word for “submit” in verse 21, almost all English translations of Ephesians 5:21–22 have a “submit” word in both verse 21 and verse 22. English grammar is not the same as Greek grammar, so while it is sometimes acceptable to leave out verbs and participles in Greek, it is not acceptable in English. (So) We need to add “submit” in verse 22.”

Should Husbands Submit to their Wives: Inspecting Our Aversion

Instead of creating a theology against mutual, honoring, and healthy deference (my picture of mutual submission), it’s more helpful for Christians to explore their strong feelings against it.

It makes more sense to inspect our prickliness rather than decide it is “defending a “Christian” belief.”

Because if we look at the big message of Scripture, the central theme is love—God’s love and how it transforms. And if you look up love, as taught and modeled by Christ, you won’t find a bunch of rules and boxes and power-over dynamics.

We have more parts of Scripture talking about close interdependence, mutual deference, and honor among Christian believers than those that “don’t.” (At first glance and before exploring the broader context.)

• Examples: 
• 1 Corinthians 11:11-12, “Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.” 
• Galatians 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”  

When a few (often unclear or taken out of context) “marriage” verses trump the teachings and example of Jesus, we need to get curious, not more confident.

Should Husbands Submit to their Wives: “Male Headship.”

If you believe in “male leadership” and “female submission” and your marriage is healthy, please keep in mind:

1. “Leader” or “person in authority” was not a usual meaning of the word “head” in ancient Greek

2 If you’re healthy and believe in male headship, chances are high that you are not practicing what you say you practice.

3. Those who practice hierarchy (husband does not submit to his wife) harm others/are being harmed. Abuse is about power and control. When an individual exerts power and control over another in a relationship, the correct term is “abuser.” Not “godly spouse.”  See Dear Complementarian Husband, A Marriage Operating Through a System of Power and Control is Abusive

If you read that statement and thought, “Wow, my husband does not coercively control anyone. He’s the leader but he loves, honors and respects me. We make decisions together. Or decide who does what based on skill, time and desire. My husband would not dream of using his leadership function to override my desires or to make me feel less important. He’s a wonderful godly man” you just described mutual submission.

You are functionally egalitarian. And it makes sense to align your words with your reality vs. continuing to champion a belief system you don’t actually practice. 

4. When we believe men are more important than women and that their words hold more weight (husband leads, wife submits), and even if we don’t act on those beliefs (and thus have a mutual marriage), those beliefs still impact how women show up in their relationship.

The beliefs also pressure, shame, and harass men to present and act in certain ways, even if that’s not who they really are. See more.

Should husbands submit to their wives: personal reflection

So, the above considered, perhaps ask yourself

• Is there a downside to two grown people having a grown-up relationship? 
• What’s the upside to two grown people having a grown-up relationship?
• Why is one person becoming smaller so the other can be bigger an acceptable standard?
• Who told you a marriage relationship requires a slanted dynamic? How valid is that message?

As you explore, you might find that there’s more to the “husbands should not submit to their wives” belief than “the Bible is clear.” 

The Meaning of Submission in Marriage and Why I Do What I do 

For those who are newer to my work and those who have asked about Dallas Jenkins (see below), a few things:

1. Mutual submission in marriage means both husband and wife submit to each other. It does not mean women do not submit to men. It means men submit, too. 

2. According to one survey of evangelical Christian women, couples who believe in wife-only submission or a husband being a tiebreaker do not necessarily function that way in their marriage 

So saying, “My husband is my leader, and we’re happy,” is not entirely honest because research shows happy, healthy complementarian couples practice mutuality. Your marriage is happy and healthy because your dynamic consists of a healthy consideration of each other’s needs, desires, and limitations. It’s not a lording over.

3. Research by The Gottman Institute shows that when husbands are unwilling to share power in their marriages, there’s an 81% chance their marriage would self-destruct. (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)

4. My platform offers clarity and affirmation to women in hurting marriages. 

My mission is to offer clarity to wives so they can address problems with courage and confidence. That means I talk about problems – a lot – and explore what a healthier marriage dynamic looks like. 

As Christ’s followers, we’ve gotten some things wrong, and many have been hurt. We need to do better, and I am committed to change, not preserving harming systems.

5. Part of the problem with evangelicalism is low awareness and insight into issues because we’ve been told that asking questions is wrong and the “Christian” label means superiority, character-wise. 

So rather than cultivate curiosity and engage the mind and heart on issues, we believe we know everything. And so we catastrophize, become even more rigid in our thinking, and reshare tropes when engaging in conversations that require more nuance and knowledge. 

We need to accept that we have a brain, a body, and a heart for a reason. They are not meant to be labeled, ignored, ostracized, minimized, and bypassed. God built us this way, and they are not upset when we exist and flourish as designed. 

So, to the question, should husbands submit to their wives? 

Yes, because we follow the teachings and example of Jesus. 

Distinguishing between descriptive (telling us what happened) and prescriptive (what God desires of us) is helpful in that journey.

In my book, Courage: Reflections and Liberating for the Hurting Soul, I talk about patriarchy and understanding the heart of God in hurting relationships and environments. Because “Good News” that produces terrible outcomes is not good news. A gospel with bad fruit is not the gospel. Order Courage on Amazon or PDF.

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Dallas Jenkins: Update 1 

People asked to be updated when/if Dallas responded. I emailed and messaged The Chosen Via Facebook and their online chat. I also tagged The Chosen and Dallas Jenkins on my public page, as many of you did. 

I haven’t heard back. I’m aware of The Chosen responding to at least one individual and asking for screenshots. The person sent the information requested. At the time of our conversation, they had not heard back. 

For those wondering what I’m talking about, here’s the quick backstory

Two weeks ago on Facebook, I shared my experience with wife-only submission and why my husband and I changed our minds. I invited people to share why they changed their minds (if they did), and one woman shared she changed her mind because of abuse.

Dallas Jenkins, the director, producer, and co-writer of The Chosen, a popular TV series about the life of Jesus, replied to her comment and wrote: “So anytime someone misuses or inappropriately overdoes something, that makes the something wrong? So if someone drives drunk, you believe driving and getting drunk are wrong?”

My response to his comment: “If you’re defending wife-only submission, perhaps create a new comment? Because replying to a domestic abuse survivor with such a comment is def not Christlike character. It’s also callous and thoroughly uninformed.”

Dallas’ FB profile says, “I tell Jesus stories.” Most people, myself included, thought his response was far from telling a Jesus story. 

Multiple women on my page (a page that centers on the experiences of women in hurting relationships) spoke about how The Chosen show has been healing. 

Dallas’s comment was shocking and disappointing. He/The Chosen can do better. A good starting point is to take responsibility for his words.

• Links to Facebook posts:
• The first post where where Dallas Jenkins left his comment. 
• The second post where I shared his comment and tagged him 

Update 2

Last night, Dallas Jenkins responded on Facebook. And this morning I heard from The Chosen via email. I’ll share his new comment below, my response and The Chosen’s email reply.

Dallas’ response

"For clarity, which has gotten lost as a result of poor wording on my part and some straw man responses on some others' parts:

I responded to one comment, and that was a comment that stated that the abuse caused by a particular theological position is what caused her to no longer believe in the theological position. 

Surely we would all agree that any position on any topic isn't rendered wrong because someone else misused or abused said position. An example of that is if someone drives drunk, which is wrong, that doesn't inherently make driving wrong. Or drinking. 

Unfortunately, my poor typing/writing was confusing, and I must have either confused what I was writing or had an auto-correct problem. I DO believe getting drunk is wrong, I don't believe drinking is wrong. 

I meant to ask if driving, by itself, or drinking, by itself, should be considered wrong because someone misused those things. 

I'm not going to get into the theology or nuance of the verses on submission. Any husband who doesn't understand his calling in the submission discussion is a problem, and any husband who abuses a wife is despicable. 

But it's not "gaslighting" to point out the logical fallacy of rendering a theological position wrong because of someone's misuse of it."

My response to his comment

"Dallas, the main problem with your comment isn’t that you hold a wife-only submission position (it IS a problematic belief, the data and many scholars agree on that.) 

The problem is that you chose to defend wife-only submission (vs. mutual submission)within the context of abuse. 

The commenter said she changed her mind because of abuse. 

In your response you say "a husband who doesn't understand his calling in the submission discussion is a problem, and any husband who abuses a wife is despicable." Abuse was her context. I hope you see the difficulty in accepting your "explanation" as you didn't honor that context in your prior comment. 

Like I said before, you have a right to believe what you want to believe. So you could have started your own thread to defend wife-only submission. I suspect it would have been disappointing position for many who love your show. But at least it wouldn't have been callous and cruel. 

I still think you owe the Commenter an apology."

Email Response from The Chosen

"Like with all our cast and crew, Dallas's social media comments are his and not the show's. We've passed along your comments. Thanks for reaching out!"

A final note:

Someone asked why I followed and tagged Dallas on Facebook if I don’t like what he has to say. I want to clear that up: I don’t follow him, as a page or as an individual. I didn’t know who he was until he left a comment on my page. I saw the blue check mark against his name and got curious about who this person was. I’ve heard positive things about The Chosen show (haven’t watched it myself) and I thought he could do better. A public statement invites public dialogue.