Addressing the Lie “Don’t Take Marriage Advice from Divorced People”
“Don’t take marriage advice from divorced people.” If you are Christian, you’ve probably heard the words or some variation of the same.
It’s a common belief in Christian circles, that to divorce is to automatically be biased against all relationships.
Thus, the advice runs, one of the best things married people can do to protect their marriages is to avoid marriage advice from divorced people.
Some will go as far as forbidding the company of children whose parent left, saying the children who were left will affect theirs negatively (a pile of bananas, by the way, you can read about it here, a great article by Gretchen, Life Saving Divorce.)
Exploring the Lie “Don’t take Marriage Advice from Divorced People”
Christians thinking that survivors of destructive relationships have nothing to offer married people is not the norm.
Society, in general, tends to seek out the wisdom of those with life-impacting experiences. We treasure the knowledge of people who’ve crawled through hell and come out on the other side.
Someone with first-hand experience commands respect. Their experience is often regarded as a plus, not a minus.
So Christian faith communities which do not see their survivors as valuable resource, who dis-invite them from community and dialogue are in fact the minority.
The Price Women Pay
The truth is, married couples can (need to?) learn what healthy looks like by observing the patterns a survivor said “No” to.
We can look at our own marriages and determine what needs to shift or change based on survivor insight and knowledge.
We can discern dynamics, choices, and patterns we may have accepted as normal, but they are anything but (because couples can consider themselves happy even when one person carries more than they ought to.)
I’m a marriage coach (who is on a break). In my line of work, I have come across weaponized incompetence, passivity, sex through duty, using the past to justify or minimize today’s individual problems, power-over dynamics where a husband considers himself reasonable, but he’s a “benevolent dictator” who hogs power in areas that are important to him and many other “normalized” issues.
Some dynamics and issues immediately jump out as coercion and exploitation – all forms of abuse – but many Christian women are unaware they are, instead considering them normal marriage problems that two people can solve.
All because nobody in her circle is piling up the firewood and sending up smoke signals. (Or climbing up the bell tower and sounding the alarm.)
Marriage Advice From Divorced People: Untangling Beliefs
Sometimes and with some awareness, it does end up that a problematic behavior is addressed. There’s a shift towards acceptance, accountability, growth, and change by the responsible spouse.
Nonetheless, the price paid by the other spouse is high. Because she has to go against the grain and climb out of a thinking rut where she’s been straight-jacketed to absorb responsibilities that are not hers.
She has to cut the rope tethering her to some long-held beliefs like perseverance, patience, keeping the peace, and not making a big deal because, after all, every marriage has its problems. She has to tear apart her inner world, inspecting and tossing every belief and practice she’s held dearly but is currently not serving her.
Beginning to see unhealthy behavior from her spouse as it is, and not as something she has to put up with takes A LOT because she’s alone.
There’s no regular sermon, no popular book, not many in her close community lining the path, cheering her on. Alone, she has to undo years of “Just work through things.” “That’s a guy thing.” “Everyone struggles.”
And start to believe a newer voice saying, “Okay, this is where you end and where he begins.” “You are adults. Not parents to each other.” “This is his responsibility and he’s drifting without it.” “You can stand up for yourself. God won’t be mad.” “Individuals matter. Way more than a relationship.” “Of course God loves you both. No, having boundaries and consequences is not unlove.”
Though her spouse eventually takes responsibility, her road is unnecessarily and maddeningly complex. Because her world is filled with people who have never had to draw the line and say “No” to harmful unrepentant unhealth.
Marriage Advice From Divorced People: What The Church Is Missing
If we’re always listening to one part of the room (the “happily” married), we’re missing out on the wisdom, knowledge, growth, and maturity which survivors acquire at a great personal cost. Wisdom that will do us good.
That gap, that lack of survivor input, is visible in our often-emaciated views of what a healthy Christian marriage looks like. It’s seen in our enabling, our continuing to baptize coercing, lazy, neglectful, superior, sore, entitled behaviors and mindsets “normal marriage issues.”
That’s why we need to hear from individuals who clawed through hell and made it out: They can sniff out the acrid smells of hell when everybody else is busy admiring the lovely sunset.
Churches, conference organizers, trainers, etc., need to prioritize speakers, coaches, and trainers who have learned what safety and health in real-life look like, who took the time to understand healthy individuality as a bedrock for healthy relating, and who said, “no” to anything less.
The Church needs her warriors, sheroes, and heroes. She needs their voice ringing from the podiums and pulpits, reminding us of the way of the Lord. Of His kindness and truth and that He loves people most. And those who love Him – truly love Him – will likewise love people and honor them with mercy and accountability.
We need survivors to speak life into marriages and souls because they are proven: when they were forced to choose between a relationship and an Image Bearer, they chose right. We need a sip of that water.
Your turn: What is the church missing when we don’t include survivors in marriage dialogues? And why do you think the church distrusts marriage advice from divorced people?
PS. One reason churches might struggle with accepting marriage advice from divorced people: When the image they have of marriage cannot withstand truth. If mutual respect and honor and an authentic connection anchored on truth were never part of their ideology.
Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns
Abuse can be difficult to identify, especially if you have been conditioned to see it as normal. Systems of Abuse: A Guide to Recognizing Toxic Behavior Patterns by abuse recovery coach Sarah McDugal outlines 13 categories of behavioral patterns, giving simple, tangible illustrations for each category. (Aff link) Access Now.
Curious as a marriage coach and writer, have you ever come across marriages where the wife is the one who has to change or is it always as them husband, as indicated by these sections of this article?
“I’m a marriage coach (who is on a break). In my line of work, I have come across weaponized incompetence, passivity, sex through duty, using the past to justify or minimize today’s individual problems, power-over dynamics where a husband considers himself reasonable, but he’s a “benevolent dictator” who hogs power in areas that are important to him and many other “normalized” issues.”
“There’s a shift towards acceptance, accountability, growth, and change by the responsible spouse.
Nonetheless, the price paid by the other spouse is high. Because she has to go against the grain”
I work with women and this website centers the experiences of women in hurting marriages. Where the target of harm/chronic irresponsibility is male, the principles shared also apply. The male target/survivor just has to gender of perpetrator.
Some Christians do not believe that divorce is ever acceptable, and most Christians believe it’s only acceptable in cases of adultery or abandonment. They still believe that Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce, so it’s the cardinal sin. So the first thing we need to do is to focus on changing the main stream church view of divorce from usually unacceptable to acceptable in cases of any kind of abuse. Than we will get some traction in allowing divorced people to provide marriage advice.
I wish to add that a low self-esteem, and the fear of losing their partners because of the truth that is dished out by women who have been through the grinding mill, is what prevents the church from listening to divorced women. The church does not want to be confronted by its own demons and thus chooses the easy way out, to speak ill of divorced women especially. They are afraid to face the truth that says ‘do unto others as you would want them to do unto you’ because they know they don’t practice it. The monster of inequality reigns supreme in the church, so much that women divorcees go through hell while men are pitied and treated with kid gloves. Divorcees are seen as the worst sinners in church sermons and yet some preachers’ hands are themselves dripping sin!
I had always thought that behaving well, being respectful and supportive to my husband would make him love me more. I thought that staying with him after he had cheated numerous times than I could count, and even after he ‘lost’ his job, would make him see how committed I was to our marriage and that I did not marry him for money but for love! I thought that staying with him and not divorcing him after neglect and abuse was what godly wives did. But I learned the hard way and eventually had to leave. The church is missing out on hearing that a pig adorned with pearls is still a pig and it will always return to the mud! Instead of the church giving me the support I needed, I was vilified and paraded as a bad example to other women. The women were told not to speak to me and they did exactly that. The church is missing out on hearing that just because a person is called a pastor or a born-again child of God, does not mean that their hearts are pure and that they are going to heaven. The church is missing out on learning from my experience, on the the wisdom I have now, and the growth I have experienced in all aspects of my life. The church is missing the depth of a woman who has the time to sit with God (undisturbed) and benefit from the silent moments with Him. Instead of being threatened and holding on to their husbands every time they see me, they are missing out on a sister with loads of advice that will not only help to save their lives, but save their marriages too. The honest truth is that most women who were hailed as true warriors and sheroes at their funerals for sticking it out till the end, were wounded women who saw no escape because of the oppression and suppression of the church over their lives. They died angry, tired and hopeless, and were sent to an early grave by working for God instead of walking with Him. If they had walked with Him, He would have whispered softly to them and said, “My daughter, it’s enough, get out of the way, I want to heal you and help you live an authentic life”. The church is missing out on hearing that God loves His image (people) more than the institution He created (marriage). I lost my marriage and but I found God, grew intimate with Him, and I am healed.
People who are married tend to shun a divorcee. Some churches actually do not want divorcees to come there. I don’t think anyone actually gets married in hopes that there will be a divorce down the road; no, it was more of a situation that unfolded that became intolerable as a person, intolerable to be treated as “less than’ or other problems that became apparent as time went on. Substance abuse, infidelity, so many other things up to and including physical abuse/ mental abuse, narcissistic abuse.
The avid church goers who are against the divorcee feel as if she is the woman with the scarlet letter “D”, and treat her as such. They have never walked in her shoes, and are being judgemental. The act toward the shunned divorcee as if what she has is contagious, and rather than opening arms and welcoming into the fellowship which would be “more Christian”, they want no part, of helping her, or even listening to her story. They would prefer she go back into the hell of a marriage to “be a good wife and forgive” rather than get to the roots of the problem.
They would rather she subject herself to more abuse under the guise of being a submissive wife. Jesus went to Samaria, to the well, not because He was thirsty, but BECAUSE of the woman at the well, to let her know of His forgiveness and Salvation. He told her He is the living Water, and she became an instant evangelist.
Yes! So many times a pastor, speaker, or author will share an inspiring (supposedly) story about a a horrible marriage, where one spouse (usually a wife) endured years or even decades of misery. She is held up as a shining example. She stayed and prayed! Then her spouse had a radical change and they’re a happy couple now! In those situations, they never discuss her PTSD symptoms. They never discuss how decades of stress affected her health. They never discuss the trauma the children endured.
They also never share stories of a person who left a destructive marriage, struggled, persevered, got therapy, and is now doing well. That the children finally had peace in their home. They she is finally sleeping through the night. That the nightmares ended.
It’s perfectly fine to celebrate the couples who stuck it out and found healing. We also need to celebrate the spouses who left and found healing.
I couldn’t agree more. It is why we need survivors to be a part of marriage conversions. To teach the truth many are afraid to consider, let alone teach.