Of Chronic Irresponsibility in Marriage and Finding Courage
I grew up in a culture where it was frowned upon to be “contrary” to the man in a marriage relationship.
I watched my mom defer to my dad and observed many women, moms of my friends, also “defer” to the men in their lives, some of whom were irresponsible, absent and violent.
In my twenties to mid-thirties, I was immersed in evangelical fundamentalist teachings of purity, male headship, and wife submission.

When I got married and my husband and I experienced problems as newlyweds, and even though I felt comfortable bringing up issues that needed addressing, it felt wrong. I felt like if I was sinning, going against what God wanted for me.
I didn’t fully understand it then but I had been trained to be small, to find ways to get things done without upsetting everyone and to default to appeasing. Though I could speak about the things that bothered me, it was with a lot of anxiety, fawning and dread that I was failing God.
Our individual and relational issues were growth-related, and we would eventually begin to attune to what was going, and with time, intentional work, grow and mature. (And we’re still attuning and creating space for self and each other.)
But for many women, “marriage issues” were actually a misuse of power.
The above-the-surface issues are just the tip of an iceberg and underneath is giant ice block of hardcore irresponsibility and harm.
And women find themselves silenced, doubting themselves in seasons where clarity would serve them most. They are stripped of power when advocating for themselves is most needed.
Even where the marriage is safe, like mine is, there’s a lot of second-guessing, anxiety and walking the tightrope that is what she needs and what she thinks God and culture says about her “place” in relationships.
And the “church” watches and asks her to “pray and submit and trust God,” “respect her husband and overlook his offense” as “she considers her own sin.”
And she withers because the values and beliefs that shape her life are neither anchored on truth nor intended to lead to flourishing.
The reality is, Christ is Immanuel, “God with us.” He is a liberator. A rescuer of the poor, the imprisoned, the blind, and the oppressed (Luke 4:18,19.) Christian beliefs and values are supposed to lead to life and freedom, not to harm or the diminishing of women.
“Good News” that produces terrible outcomes for women and children is not good news. A gospel with bad fruit is not the gospel.
I’ve been talking about my new project, Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul the past few weeks. (Now available!)
Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is a book for women who are tired of damaging theology, popular but harming “church” culture, and bad marriage teachings.

Courage is a collection of 28 poems and reflections. Every page is an invitation to ponder and explore different truths, like dignity, the harms of patriarchy, fraudulent religion, true freedom, safety, mistakes vs abuse, the strength of women (hint it’s not for “saving” men), allyship, pain of silence, character-anchored marriage and more.
Each page invites you to name the hurt, see with clarity, and cling to hope.
Courage is a book for every woman who has ever been made to feel crazy or like she doesn’t belong for speaking the truth about her life, marriage or both. It is for every woman who has walked in spaces and systems designed to make her small.
Courage Reflections and Liberation for The Hurting Soul goes on sale tomorrow, 12.11.2023, 6 AM Central. (Now Available below)
I can’t wait to share it with you!

I so deeply feel and relate to this! Thank you for putting it into words.