Personal Preference or Marriage Absolute? (Plus, The Newlyweds is Now Available on Pre-order!)
The Christian marriage advice space is filled with individuals presenting personal preferences as absolutes.
Let’s take finances, for example.
A while ago, I asked on my Facebook page how many people were advised to open joint bank accounts or merge their finances in some way.
In the comments, many talked of joint bank accounts being presented as a higher Christian practice, or something everyone should do.
As a single woman, I’d heard the same message too. I heard that a shared bank account promotes unity in marriage and helps with financial accountability.
At least that was the hope. But my experience, along with many commenters on Facebook was different.
Marriage Preference or Absolutes?
As my wedding approached, the song playing at the back of my mind was “Good Christian couples keep joint accounts. Spouses with something to hide keep separate accounts.” (And I thought the latter was always a bad thing.)
But as newlyweds, we couldn’t keep a joint account due to work and business transitions.
I was super stressed. Not because we had any issues – we were open about everything – but because a “preference” had been presented as an “absolute,” and I wanted to be that good Christian couple who checked every box.
For the last few months, I’ve been talking about my latest book, The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health and Happiness in Marriage. I’m thrilled to announce that The Newlyweds is now on pre-order!
The Newlyweds is about helping couples co-design a life and marriage that both people enjoy – free from harming societal and religious conditioning – while providing validation and clarity when the marriage isn’t working. I believe marriage books should be able to do both.
A bit of background
I wrote the first version of The Newlyweds (then titled Blues to Bliss) years ago.
Then, in 2022, I made a huge pivot (you can read about it here) and changed how I teach about marriage. I deleted hundreds of blog posts, took down my books and courses, and shut down my coaching practice. It was a lot. But I wanted to learn. I wanted to do better. I wanted my books, courses, and coaching to reflect my growth.
Reworking my resources has taken longer than expected, but I’m thrilled to release this significantly revised book back to the world. It really feels like a new book: I have deleted entire chapters, written new ones from scratch, and rewritten everything else.
Revising an existing book can be more challenging than writing a brand-new book, and this was no different. But I’m thrilled about how The Newlyweds has turned out. I’m excited to put it into your hands so you, too, can inspect what you believe about God, self, and marriage and, hopefully, make changes that align with safe, healthy values. (Because God is safe and kind.)
Who is The Newlyweds for?
As the title suggests, The Newlyweds is great for dating, engaged and newlywed couples. (It’s an excellent wedding and engagement gift!)
It’s also great for individuals/couples who want to toss all the bad marriage advice, relearn how to co-create a safe, healthy marriage, and discern when the foundation and patterns are shaky.
And if you’re not married and want to understand what a healthy marriage looks like—perhaps you’re a parent, grandparent, aunt, or friend, or you just want to know!—The Newlyweds is for you too.
Marriage preference of absolutes: my struggling marriage
I’m passionate about learning how a deeply connected marriage works because my husband and I had a really difficult beginning. I looked for help, and while my faith community gave me the best they could, it wasn’t enough.
I needed more. And so I wrote the book I wish I had at the beginning of my journey.
Reader review:
“Ngina has hit another walk-off home run! In the 27 years since I got married, I have never read a book that handled BOTH healthy and unhealthy marriages with such boldness and grace. Ngina has done a masterful job of offering wise and insightful counsel to mature, good-willed people who are trying to make sense of the adjustments they have faced since saying, “I do”. She has also pulled zero punches in calling out behaviors which indicate that all is NOT well in the Land of Wedded Bliss.”
– Kelly Mayer, early reader, The Newlyweds.
It’s that piece that is sometimes missing as couples pursue their happily ever after. I explore essential themes of a happy and healthy marriage, including mutuality, expectations, communication, sex, intimacy, spirituality, finances, intentionality… without surface-level platitudes and over-simplified answers.
Pre-orders are great because they signal to Amazon that people are interested in the book before it launches, which helps the online retailer show it to more people when it launches. The Newlyweds releases on February 10th.
I want married people to discern between marriage preference and absolutes and be equipped to chart their own healthy paths. I want individuals to be empowered to pursue health, happiness, and mutuality while feeling confident to make choices that align with truth. It is possible. And in The Newlyweds, I show you how.