Despite What Your Pastor May Say, Gentle Partnership Wins

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“Men have a soft underbelly.” His tone was low and conspiratorial. The kind that made you feel like you were learning a well-kept secret.

I don’t know if the men in our congregation relished having their secrets outed out like that.

But I know our pastor’s admission that men are not a solid block of nothingness didn’t stop our church from preaching gender roles for men and women.

The soft-underbellied men were still told they were leaders in their homes. The women were told submission to their men made their life easier and glorified God.

I didn’t know what I know now.

That quite often, evangelical teachers will create/identify a problem and, instead of pointing to a real-world solution go ahead and paint the issue as something that the responsible party cannot address. Instead, everyone else – often individuals with less power – is asked to change themselves and their lives to accommodate this big problem they have identified.

And you guessed it, many of these unchangeables are concerns related to men.

On that day, the pastor could have shepherded the congregation towards mutual vulnerability as the path to the problems men seem to have.

He could have finished his sermon with “…men are are indeed conditioned to present “strength” and “know-it-all-ness.” But men are actually designed to be soft and gentle, too: to relax into rest, to mutual vulnerability. That soft-underbelly is not a design flaw: It is revelatory. And where there is equality – where one person is not expected to dominate and the other to comply – there’s a chance for actual partnership to thrive. Dynamics of partnership heal. Hierarchy hurts both.”

Instead, it was inferred that women were to go easy on their men because he has these delicate parts he might want to hide from them. Women are to be gentle with their men because they (men) want to toughen up as “leaders“, and women need to give them a break: submit to them, “honor” their roles, and make life easier.

The pastor presented the “underbelly” as an inflexible design element that cannot be integrated. So everyone else just needs to understand that and make life easier for the man right where he was. Rather than help men breath, he added to the burdens they already carried.  

Embracing Softness in Husbands: The Growth

Then I got married.

Now, you don’t need to marriage to learn some of these things but my marriage afforded me a deeper experience of that “soft-underbelly” phenomena and how it was not exclusive to one type of human.

embracing softness in husbands

Turns out women too have their “soft-underbelly,” their soft areas. Areas of cultural and social conditioning, family of origin dynamics, chronic stress/trauma and subsequent coping behaviors, personalities and preferences…all the things that make us want to hide our true self. The only difference is that women don’t have the privilege of higher status in society like men do.

Here’s what all human beings need to know: our vulnerable fragile parts are not a bad thing. They are not a design flaw. They are revelatory, inviting us to mature and to heal. They call us to co-create safe connection so we heal and grow together.

Please note: In some instances, it will not be safe to be open and vulnerable. However, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us or the way we are created; it just means there is something wrong with the person we are doing life with or in the system we are a part of.

Embracing Softness in Husbands: The Big Three

In my completely revised book, The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage, which is currently on pre-order here, I talk about the big 3 of connected marriages

1. Mutuality:

Because healthy happy couples share power. But in a society where unequal power dynamics are the norm, sometimes true equality can be difficult to wrap our minds around. The Newlyweds takes the “heavy lifting” off your plates, so you don’t miss the essential keys. You can just show up and connect the dots for your individual journey!

2. Health:

Sometimes, we believe that a healthy marriage is simply following what is commonly accepted or done by others. My book guides you through the essential elements needed for a healthy and deeply fulfilling relationship. It’s designed to foster a sense of enduring partnership so you can enjoy your relationship!

3. Happiness:

You deserve to be happy! But what if your religious or cultural backdrop says God had other plans? (Like “marriage is meant to make you holy, not happy.”) Every chapter is designed to show you the depth and richness of a healthy connection, that happiness is indeed part of the marriage design…and what to do when it’s not yours.

It’s time to explore what true love really looks like.

The million dollar question…

Is it possible to have a happy healthy marriage..without gender-specific roles, 24/7 sacrifice and the death of your personhood? 

Good news: it’s absolutely possible!


Embracing Softness in Husbands: Domination and Compliance

Many of us have been taught Christian beliefs that positioned men as the dominators and women as submissive, even where neither party liked those roles. I want you to know that you don’t have to twist your life or intimate relationship to accommodate harmful religious conditioning and cultural expectations.

You are entitled to choice. And my book switches on the light and helps you find your path. The Newlywed is great for

  • Dating, engaged and  newlywed couples. (It makes an excellent wedding or engagement gift!)
  • Individuals or couples who want to toss all the bad marriage advice, relearn how to co-create a safe, healthy marriage, and discern when the foundation and patterns are shaky.
  • The unmarried who want to understand what a healthy marriage looks like—perhaps you’re a parent, grandparent, aunt, or friend, or you just want to know!

I love exploring how deeply connected marriages work because Tommy (my husband) and I faced significant challenges at the beginning of our marriage. I share many of our experiences in the book, and my goal is to help others gain confidence and strengthen their bond…without surface-level fixes, exhausting beliefs or minimizing the simple joys of relating. 

We can have better marriage values. And in my book, I show you how. The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage releases on February 10th 2025 but it’s currently on pre-order.

GET YOUR COPY NOW

It’s time to explore what true love really looks like.

The million dollar question…

Is it even possible to have a happy healthy marriage..without gender-specific roles, 24/7 sacrifice and the death of your personhood? 

Good news: it’s absolutely possible!


Another walk-off home run

“Ngina has hit another walk-off home run!  In the 27 years since I got married, I have never read a book that handled BOTH healthy and unhealthy marriages with such boldness and grace. Ngina has done a masterful job of offering wise and insightful counsel to mature, good-willed people who are trying to make sense of the adjustments they have faced since saying, “I do”. She has also pulled zero punches in calling out behaviors which indicate that all is NOT well in the Land of Wedded Bliss.”
Kelly Mayer,
Book Reviewer

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