If Her Abusive Husband is in Recovery, Shouldn’t a Wife Stay?
“Let her go.”
“But what if he’s in recovery, learning all the ways he’s been a bad husband and working hard to be a better man?
Still. He needs to let her go.
“But is that fair, though? He’s working to be a better human being and a better husband. Seeing his efforts at recovery, shouldn’t she stand alongside and help fight the battle? Isn’t that what a good marriage is, anyway, fighting together as a team, overcoming things together, getting healthy together?
Since you bring up fair, let’s talk about what is fair (and then some’, gear up). Is it fair that even after he’s admitted to being an unloving, selfish, angry, unsafe man, we’re still not appalled by the chaos his mindsets and behaviors have unleashed in her life?
She is the one with an upended self. How she thinks, how she feels, how she sleeps, how she sees the world, how she sees relationships, how she walks through life, how she sees God, how she sees the present and future – they have all been altered. Seared. Shredded. By him.
She’s buckling under his unfairness and ridicule and rage and pain. And we want to LEAD with his wants and preferences? We want to invite his needs to the safety table? How fair is that??
Recovering Abusive Husband: Awareness
It’s indeed a noble thing for him to reflect and start the sober work of recovery. It is a good day when one unsafe man makes the decision to look inward. That’s been her hope all along, that her husband will look into his deep-seated issues and consider where he needs to grow and heal.
But make no mistake, his intentions to take responsibility, his journey to ownership and recovery, do not erase the hell he’s taken her through.
They do not poof away the brokenness and unease in her mind and body. Injuries he himself has caused. To demand or even insinuate that she heals under the gaze of her traumatizer is wicked.
Mark you, one of the marks of recovery of an abusive husband is a growing awareness (and deep repentance of) his entitlement. A man in genuine recovery will recognize and accept that his wife is a human being, entirely independent and with full authority over her life.
He will acknowledge that she gets to make her own decisions, including whether to be with him. Or not. He accepts he’s owed nothing. He’s hang up that cap for good.
A recovering abusive husband will not be dangling his healing as an incentive for her to stay. He will not be asking her to fight this battle with him (it’s his battle, not hers.) His goal with recovery will not be to save the marriage, however desperately he longs for its saving. His goal is individual health. If he’s still centering himself in her story, his recovery is highly suspect.
Here’s the thing. As Christians, we love to talk about fighting for our marriages. We want couples to stick together through thick and thin. But we’re not always clear about the type of battles we’re discussing.
Spouse-to-spouse war is not “fighting for our marriage.” When a spouse picks up a weapon (emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, physical e.t.c) and attacks the other, there’s no longer a “we.” Intimate terrorism decimates oneness.
Abuse in all its forms, infidelity, chronic neglect of a spouse, porn use are a bomb exploding in a place that was supposed to be sacred. So no, all “marriage battles” are not created the same.
He needs to let her go.
*Over the last couple of months, some people have made a case for women staying with a recovering abusive husband. Today’s post is what I’d say, or wish I’d had the clarity to say, when they told me abused women should stay and fight for their marriage.
PPS: In case it’s not clear: she gets to choose whether to stay or to go. It’s her choice. That’s the point. It’s nobody else’s business. She gets to decide what to do. It’s not my choice. Or your Choice. Or the pastor’s choice. Or the husband’s choice. It’s hers to make.
Continue reading
- Dear Christians, Divorce is Not The First Thing She Thinks About (Here’s Why)
- “How To Be a Good Wife To Bad Husband” (Clarity For Wives)
- The Strength of Women is Not for the Rescue of Destructive Men
- Why Being a Good Wife Won’t Fix a Bad Husband
I am currently in the situation where I want healing by leaving and he want me to stay, how will I heal if the perpetrator is still in my presence, as Christians we are not told the truth we are still under the oppression of the law, a lot and continuous awareness is needed, to understand the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation this need to be unpacked.
This hit really close to home today. I’ve been really grappling with my relationship with my husband of 16 years. After a long history of narcissistic/emotional abuse and general neglect, I told him I was done. Now all of the sudden he’s ready to put in the work to “fix things” – marriage counseling, therapy, medical interventions, books, retreats, etc. And he can’t understand why I’m not able to just forgive him and move on and trust that he’s truly changing. Suddenly I’m portrayed as this crazy, angry, bitter, unforgiving woman and he’s the sad, broken man who’s just trying to make things better. I have no fight left in me, I’m done listening to big, bold promises, I’m ready to walk away.
Yes I was also the one who believed I should “help him recover” ,”support his recovery” etc…l.it was all NONSENSE!!! It was just empty promises, pretending to “Love me soooo much” ec. You are right – one must look LONG TERM for GENUINE recovery – which is very, very scarce – I believe non-existent after 50 years. “You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.” His “going to therapy ” is just a way of buying more time – NOT of genuine recovery
Please add marital rape to your list.
This criminal violation is severely under discussed & addressed.
It truly needs a massive spotlight exposing it…widespread & w/ tools for help.
Thank you & bless you!
I agree. I experienced repeated marital rape in my first marriage and even though I’ve been divorced from him over 25 years, it’s still affecting me in my second marriage 😕
Every. Single. Word. of your article resonated with me. Thank you!
Thank you…for I finally see in words what my broken brain can not form into thought. And yes he is centering himself in my story, my healing while his gaze is still upon me. And he throws scripture at ME that I am the disobedient wife for not ‘reconciling’ with him. Associates ‘foregiveness’ (that’ll take the rest of my life) with instant ‘reconciliation’ (aka: sex). Nope. And the reason we are ‘roomates’ and I do the wifey bits…coffee, some meals, but to a diminished degree is he has worsening heart failure. I have large farm animals too. PS If I added the heinous actions he ennacted over 8 yrs….well let me say it was just psychological, verbal, porn abuse, but also involved my youngest daughter living on the property who had lost her young son….I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. Remote and isolated.
Ngina:
There is so much wisdom in your post.
>>“But what if he’s in recovery, learning all the ways he’s been a bad husband and working hard to be a better man?< 8 years in recovery, it took a couple years to realize that when my former spouse 2 years into my recovery, asked for a divorce it was her choice. It was for her own feeling of safety and mental health. How she feels is her business and no one else. How much inner work she decided to do or not to do was her own journey and no one can judge with a “you shoulda________.” She got to decide…not me. I was the one who had been abusive and caused significant trauma. Sponsoring other men in various places of recovery has humbled me to know how little I know and how each circumstance is different and no pat answer will work.
>>“But is that fair, though?<>She is the one with an upended self…. all been altered. Seared. Shredded. By him.<>It’s indeed a noble thing for him to reflect and start the sober work of recovery. << But it takes at least 5+ years to see if there has been real transformation. If a person in recovery tells you all they are doing, amends, working steps, engaging a real Sponsor who will call him out, growing in empathy etc –that is OK but is even better if they shut up and let their life be the evidence. Remember in most compulsive behaviors/addictions >To demand or even insinuate that she heals under the gaze of her traumatizer is wicked.<>A man in genuine recovery will recognize and accept that his wife is a human being, entirely independent and with full authority over her life. <>Spouse-to-spouse war is not “fighting for our marriage.”<>He needs to let her go.<>…they told me abused women should stay and fight for their marriage.<>It’s her choice. That’s the point. It’s nobody else’s business. She gets to decide what to do. << Amen sister
thank you for this post. Would you mind expounding a bit on “If he’s still centering himself in her story, then his recovery is suspect.” Specifically – what you mean by centering himself in her story?
In this post, it’s hijacking the focus when it’s her story being told, when it’s time to prioritize her needs, safety and stability. He interrupts that and makes himself the focus again (e.g how he’s suffering or his needs and experiences) instead of listening and attuning to her needs.
What about a husband who came back from recovery (1 and a half year) and then came back to his addictions again? Should she stay and wait again and again?
Mi, I’d say follow the long term fruit. Continually “trying” or attempting, without long-term fruit speaks volumes. It still goes back to creating that safety and trust and health that’s needed in a relationship. If you don’t already, and would like to, please check out Patrick Weaver Ministries on Facebook as he breaks down some of these patterns. Also check out Sarah McDugal’s community and Flying Free
There is another type of abuse that no one seems to be aware of or talk about but that I lived for 38 years. The husband that abdicated all responsibility and accountability and participation in the marriage and parenting and our lives, extreme passivity. A lifetime of being alone in making decisions, raising kids, homeschooling, no communication, being ignored, no initiative, no motivation, needing parenting, infidelity, porn addiction, but still believing he was owed sex and trust, still believing that I was obligated to stay in the marriage because he didn’t want a divorce, blame, shame, wouldn’t do anything without being told/asked(except his job, which I’m truly grateful for), anger that I told anyone at all about why we were getting divorced because I was ruining his reputation.
I now realize it was emotional and mental abuse, but it doesn’t seem to be on anyone’s radar unless there are harsh words or things like silent treatment, verbal abuse, or physical abuse. Please don’t forget or leave those of us who have been figuratively abandoned while still married.
Jael, I am so sorry for what he put you through.
I’ll add the different types of abuse, so it’s more clear I’m addressing all.
“Chronic neglect” seems to be part of what you went through and that’s covered in the post.
There’s not much awareness, that’s true. But some *are* talking about it!! BTR.ORG has been talking about it for years. You aren’t alone!!
Hi Jael: (Love your name after the Jael with the Nail in the Bible extinguising evil)
I agree. Abdication, passivity and not showing up is abuse. Full stop. Being a grown up man in recovery for ~8 years I sponsor several guys and have seen a lot of abuse, collateral damage and resulting trauma. You are describing a boy not a grown ass man who is fully present, names and owns his mistakes, acknowledges and understands his core emotions, knows how to self regulate, etc. Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry. Your life sounds eerily similar to mine. It is by far the most than painful thing I’ve experienced.