Why Sex Should Not Be The Only Indicator of Health in Marriage
Does a lot of sex indicate a healthy marriage? Sex is a beautiful gift to married couples; a gift to be pursued and enjoyed.
Sadly, in trying to help couples prioritize it, we’ve made it seem like it’s the only health-meter; if a couple’s sex life is off-base even to a small degree, we classify the entire marriage off-base.
The following quote sums up some of our beliefs around sex in marriage: “If you want to know how you are doing as a couple, look at your sex life.” Yup, that’s a real quote. I don’t remember where I read or heard it. But it stuck to my mind and influenced my thinking for a long time.
The quote is misleading.
The physical side of a marriage, or any one side, should not be the only indicator of health, in the sense that its absence means a whole marriage is destroyed.
In fact, there’s a reason why some wedding vows read “until death do us part.” And not “until a lack of plenty of sex do us part.”
A great marriage should be more than your sex life.
My husband and I have gone through seasons when sex was, well, not up there due to various things going on in our lives.
But since I believed a couple’s sex life measures the greatness of marriage, I beat up on myself and us.
In spite of the fact that our life outside the bedroom was flourishing; we were good friends, we were laughing and growing; we were working hard to build a great marriage overall.
Let me say it again; sex is important. So important that God created us to release feel-good hormones during lovemaking which bind our healthy hearts in extraordinary ways.
When it’s healthy, mutual and honoring, lovemaking is a profound love language for spouses. We sleep better after sex. We feel less stressed. We are less jumpy and more willing to go the extra mile for our healthy spouse and marriage.
Sex is important.
But it is not everything.
A healthy marriage is both inside and outside the bedroom.
So how can we better phrase this discussion?
Maybe we need to emphasize that while sex is a gift to be pursued and enjoyed, its absence, or struggle, should not define a couple.
We need to point out that a great marriage is made up of different elements coming together; good communication, dating each other, cheering each others dreams, living purposefully, chasing Jesus, serving others, feeling prioritized, husbands making sure their wives enjoy sex too e.t.c.
The more you chase health outside the bedroom, the more likely you’ll work as a team to overcome challenges inside the bedroom.
We could preach a more balanced truth so that those that are struggling in their sex life but have an overall healthy marriage can feel hopeful, not helpless.
The newlywed couple working through vaginismus need to be affirmed in their once-a-month effort.
The fact that they are lovingly and intentionally building their relationship outside the bedroom as they seek healing inside counts. Their marriage is more than the number of times love making happens.
The wife working through past sexual abuse needs to be reminded she’s not a sex object. Because that is how she feels when she hears “lots of sex equal a happy marriage.”
We tear open the scab and wound her all over again when we ignore the efforts being made outside the bedroom – the counseling, the patience, and baby-steps, the courage.
People who are working through difficult seasons need to know that when two people are committed to grow, marriage can be beautiful broken; two people committed to loving each other through the highs and lows.
Women in highly problematic marriages need to know about consent, that they are not broken for taking sex off the table. See When Your Husband Only Wants You Sexually: Your First 5 Steps
A healthy marriage is not just about swooning and soaring on mountain peaks. It is also about cleaving and faithfully loving one another through the difficult seasons.
You don’t quit on your healthy love because the physical side flickered or dimmed; you cleave through it. You love each other, come rain or shine, for better or worse.
When we give a much broader view of what constitutes a healthy growing marriage, healthy couples who are going through a difficult season feel hopeful and affirmed.
Newlyweds ought to hear that the number of times you make love is wonderful but what counts is the health of the individuals and overall relationship.
A wife can “service the husband” (because she believes she owes him sex) while she weeps or looks at flowers on the bedroom curtains. That is not intimacy. But when we emphasize quantity, we make it seem like it is.
Yes, life-giving sex in marriage is important.
But individuals go through seasons, and these turns and tides affect sex. In those moments, healthy couples they need to remember that a good marriage is more than lots of sex.
It is commitment, showing up, growing, serving, loving no matter what.
What do you think? Have you struggled with this thought? How have you dealt with it?
If you struggle with this thought, make sure to check out Sheila Gregoire and co-authors book The Great Sex Rescue!
We live in such a sexually charged society that we place great value in it. Thank you for sharing this important information.
Sadly sex is another tool Satan uses to destroy families.
It’s sad how the enemy has misrepresented and perverted the gift of sexuality. But I am glad that he (and she) that the Son sets free is free indeed. We need to take up that freedom for ourselves. Glad the post resonated.
I know many couples who’ve gone through really challenging seasons in marriage and sex was completely off the table during those times. In some cases, it was the “sex” that had become part of the challenge because of sexual abuse experiences in the past that had nothing to do with the current spouse. Like you’ve said there are seasons when it won’t be a priority like it should be, but other parts of the relationship can grow stronger during those times as well. I think when a spouse has sexual abuse issues to work through, sometimes the emotional component is so painful that the idea of having sex only sours the spouse on sex ever. Better to be patient, seek the help of a godly and good counselor and keep building up the other areas of the relationship than to assume the marriage is bad because of this one problem. Once the emotional or abuse issues are dealt with carefully sex can be reintroduced and embraced in a way that would’ve never happened if a spouse ignored the problem and demanded his/her right to sex.
Beth, you’ve explained it so well. I hope everyone gets to read your thorough comment! God does make everything work out for good, once we surrender.
Saying that a healthy marriage has lots of sex is like saying that a good Christian does lots of devotions. We can, especially as Christians, go through a lot of good actions but not have our hearts truly engaged with God’s desires. If we are to grow in marriage, just like growth in our Christian walk, we will be seeking and acting out the Lord’s will, truth, goodness and agape love. But it’s so much easier said than done! It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking about the end result or the checklist that we entirely forget about the process. We have to keep on going, keep practicing, and especially keep seeking God’s will as Christians. As wives (and husbands too) we have to keep going, keep practicing, keep seeking God’s will for this very particular relationship we have with that one unique person we have married.
On a completely different subject – how do you pronounce your name? ?
Thanks for these thoughts, Alicia! Yup, its not just the actions, but the heart within which we do things.
its pronounced ng-aay-na – like “Tina” without the T. (and the Ng as one sound! 🙂
This was a good post, thanks. You and I are on the same page, I frame it like this: There is going to be all kinds of cyclical affects in the relationship of marriage, including sex. The temporary absence of intercourse does not reveal an unhealthy marriage. However, prolonged (or ongoing) absence of sex is a different story.
That’s a great way to phrase it, Robyn. And yes, it’s important to seek help for ongoing challenges