Is oral sex a sin? What is okay (and not okay) for a fun spicy Christian marriage?
I’ve just started a YouTube channel (I’ll link a few videos below!) and recently, while publishing a video, I looked at the recommended videos on the right side of the page.
One of the videos was “Is oral sex okay in marriage?” I was curious, so I clicked on the video.
I did not expect to hear what I heard.
The speaker did not believe Christians and oral sex should go together. Her explanation was exhaustive; God created everything to function in its place.
Eyes to see, ears to hear, fingers to grasp. Get the drift? Everything has its fit. In case you still miss the point, the private parts of a man are made to fit in a specific place in a woman.
I won’t do justice to the speaker’s thoughts and I am not censuring her perspective.
But two or three minutes in, I had to click out because I found myself starting a mental conversation (also known as debate).
I don’t know what you think about Christians and oral sex in marriage, but since you are here, I’ll tell you what I think.
God has given us a lot of liberty in the married bed. That does not mean anything goes of course; our freedom still has boundaries.
But when God created intimacy, He did not provide a script to go along with it. He left us to figure it out.
(If there was a script, I believe it would be Song of Solomon. And the book is not shy or tame.)
I won’t try to go very wide on oral sex because it comes down to what you and your husband want. If you and hubby don’t want to go there, that.is.okay! If you are wondering is oral sex a sin? but don’t want to think about it further, that’s absolutely okay too.
But on this blog, I help wives explore the uncomfortable and unfamiliar.
So based on experience and reading many differing views on the is oral sex a sin? question, I will say this: We probably need to get “the church” out of the married bed. (That is not an original statement, I heard it before I got married and now it makes sense.)
And by the church, I mean as an institution prescribing what a couple can or cannot do in the privacy of their bedroom, within godly limits.
I may be naive here, but I want to believe most Christian couples want to honor God in their relationship; they understand limits to personal freedom.
They know that bigger than their individual liberty with each other are the boundaries of holiness and Christ-likeness within which we operate.
At least that is my hope; that you want to be governed by Christ and will stay off actions and mindsets that dishonor His name and your marriage.
Is oral sex a sin? God loves variety!
He is the creator of all things, both seen and unseen. I have yet to figure out why some things exist (for example, snakes), but God created them.
In different places in Genesis 1, God rejoiced at the work of His hands. The author writes “And God saw that it was good.”
What does that have to do with intimacy and creative ideas to spice up sex?
Well, since we are made in His image and likeness (that is, we have powers of thought, creativity, self-consciousness, determination e.t.c) we need to open up to the idea that the reason God gave us minds and creativity was so we could utilize them in our sex lives too!
Instead of clinging to cultural assumptions or inhibitions or what is comfortable and familiar, we should embrace creativity and bring joy and pleasure, not just to each other but to our Creator!
If you don’t believe joyous intimacy is God’s idea, read this.
The level of spice you want to inject into your marriage is totally up to you of course. Some things have more to do with temperament, age, relationship normal, seasons, libido (his or hers) more than anything else.
Again, I am not saying it is sinful not to flavor things up, or you are wrong to enjoy your comfortable tried and tested routines. More power to you!
All I am saying is that we should not confine ourselves to traditions that have their roots with preference, more than Christianity, or being a “good wife.”
Just so we are on the same page, the following is NOT the spice I am talking about.
There’s a whole lot more, but these come to mind
– Sex with someone who is not your spouse
– Any pornography. Includes using porn as a form of foreplay. “After all, we are watching it together” or “I am his porn-star” is still a no. Porn goes against everything true intimacy stands for and should not have a place in your marriage bed. Or any other place.
–Thinking about someone else (e.g an ex, a scene from a movie) while making love with your spouse.
– Forcing or manipulating your spouse to try new things or making them feel bad for not trying out new things, however appropriate they are to you – this does not model Christ’s love.
– BDSM (Bondage/Dominance/Sadism/Masochism)
Examples of what I am talking about
– Oral sex
– New sexual positions, different locations
– Sensual aids like edible body paints and oils, sensual lubricants
– Fun romantic games and play, e.g., strip tease, dares
– Lingerie, candles, massages e.t.c
Here’s the thing, our world has a highly perverted view of sex. But we need to understand that for every copycat that exists, there is an original.
We Christians have the original thing!
We should be leading the way; not in competition with the world but blazing our own path! Jumping in and wholeheartedly enjoying and exploring what it means to have amazing holy sex as married couples!
Again I am not suggesting you are doing badly as a wife if you are shy or are working through a painful past.
But since the greatest sexual organ as women is the mind, it is important to open up to the idea that there’s more than we limit ourselves to. Especially if hubby has been asking.
So let give you a few quick ideas if you are a little hesitant, but would like to spice things up or put an interesting twist to existing routines in your bedroom
Christians and oral sex and other ways to spice up your marriage
1. Start with a conversation. And keep talking.
What would make you more willing (or comfortable) to try out something new?
Maybe he needs to improve general hygiene, like brush his teeth, take a shower, do all those other non-sexual things (like speak kindly, caring for some home duties, more non-sexual touches).
Well, you need to talk about these things. Instead of stuffing your feelings and completely shutting down advances, let him know what turns you on. Or has the potential to.
2. Take it slowly
Don’t rush anything. Be patient with yourself. And your husband! Give yourself permission to try the new, or add a little twist to an existing routine without adding the pressure of “perfection” or “proficiency.”
One of the things that have set me free in marriage, in general, has been learning to give myself room to explore. I am trying to approach new ideas with an open mind, without feeling like I am making a lifetime commitment.
If it works, well and good, if it doesn’t, that is okay too, we can figure something else! It is not easy when you are are a “black or white” person (you tend to dive all in, or not try at all).
A small tweak can help take on more risks. Talk about this expectation (exploring with an open mind) with your husband, so you are both on the same page.
3. Cultivate a friendship outside the bedroom.
I am more open to new ideas when I am feeling close to my husband. But when I am stressed or harboring stuff against him, I am a drag to be around, let alone to have fun and explore with!
So pursue intimacy outside your bedroom. Cultivate a friendship, change the conversation inside your head. You are more willing and pliable when the rest of marriage is doing well.
4. Be open about how it feels
Going back to #2, just because you signed up for a trip does not mean you have to go all the way to the summit! If it’s too uncomfortable or you need a break, or you are tired, that is fine.
“Enduring” is not what real intimacy is about. Talk through it, let him know what is going on. Expect the discomfort (mentally mainly, but also physical) of trying out something new, like a new sex position.
But don’t be silent if it is not working for you. Keep the conversation going. It is actually a lot of fun to talk through some of these things!
The less wound up and more playful you are, the more exciting and enjoyable the exploration!
5. Address any underlying issues that prevent you from exploring the wonders of intimacy
Some things go beyond a switch in the brain. For some brides, they need to figure out where the switch is.
For anyone who has suffered sexual abuse, some sexual exploration might be too close to the hurt.
It’s just important to know these triggers; to understand the problem is not your husband. He is not a “dirty” guy for wanting your enjoyment. Rather your pain comes from somewhere else.
A little bit of knowledge can help you work through issues better (especially when you feel Christians and oral sex shouldn’t go together)
Also remember that your willingness and friskiness can depend on the time of the month. Some women (like me!) are like a coiled cornered wildcat in the days before their periods.
It might not be the time to try new things because you are easily frustrated and aggravated. Simply look at a better time.
If you are from a deeply conservative culture like mine, ask God to help you let go of any cultural influences that hinder intimacy.
Ideas like sex is for the husband, you will never enjoy intimacy because you were circumcised, your husband is not meant to see you naked, a good wife does not initiate intimacy, lingerie is for “loose” women e.t.c
Ask God to help you uncover these things and then with His help, face them head on.
If you are past the is oral sex a sin? and want a few quick thoughts on how to pleasure your husband in this way, here we go.
– You can swallow semen; it is not harmful! (Fun story – There’s an African tale that says brides will grow a little round on the hips because of the abundance of semen in her system! Tall tale! : ) But see my point? It won’t kill you lol.
– Semen has a taste. It is not a bad taste, but it is a taste. Don’t expect it to taste like water. If you are particularly icky, simply keep the semen in your mouth, spit it out in the bathroom and rinse your mouth.
The other option is, don’t get him all the way, if you know what I mean. Get close but pull out before he ejaculates. Pleasure each other in other ways.
– Be gentle. The penis is a sensitive part of a man’s body. Certainly, many husbands prefer a little more pressure and rough, but don’t assume you know how much he needs.
You can “talk” (verbal and non-verbal) as you progress, so you know what to do, what he likes, how to vary pressure.
– The “how-to” – A few ideas on how to perform oral sex on your husband: Think licking, gentle nibbling, kissing, gentle blowing, sucking etc
– You can use hands too; just add lube for a more pleasurable feel.
Is oral sex a sin? – Wrapping up
For a more theological perspective on “is oral sex a sin”, check out these thought – Is oral sex okay?
As we wrap up, if you are wondering is oral sex a sin? let me reiterate: oral sex is not for everybody. If both you and your husband don’t want to, that’s quite okay.
I wrote this post for wives who are curious about marriage oral sex. I wanted to create a safe place for couples to learn what is permissible in the marriage Christian bed.
Finally here are the videos!
So I finally have a YouTube channel! I am new at this video thing, so it is not a perfect home yet.
Here are five things you can do while there.
– First, CLICK the links below to watch a video.
– LIKE the video. You do that by hitting the “thumbs-up” sign on the video
– SHARE the videos on social media or forward to anyone you think it might help
– SUBSCRIBE to my channel, so you are first to know when I add a new video.
– You can also leave a Comment on the video, let me know what you think about the topic or what else you would like me to talk about.
A few videos to sample
- Sex in Marriage: New Bride Tips!
- When Marriage Feels Like a Mistake
- My Husband is not Spiritual Leader
~
For more ideas and tips to spice your sex life, check out The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride; a no-fluff, down-to-earth resource to help the newly married and engaged woman become sexually confident in marriage. Plus it teaches you how to keep sex fabulous beyond the newlywed years. Purchase your copy Amazon I Nook I PDF
I love your posts and book. I do have one question and hopefully you’ll be able to answer it. My husband is being shipped away for work for 3 months but will be home every 2 weeks. He brought up the suggestion of masturbation via phone because we won’t be able to be intimate till he comes home every 2 weeks. I’ve had a weird feeling about that because I know masturbation is wrong in God’s eyes. How do I address this issue with my husband and not put a dampen in our marriage.
Hi Lisa, find some helpful tips in this post What Is Permissible in Christian Marriage Bed
Wow! This was so on point. I’m
Not fond of oral sex because of the points you made in this article. It got home on so many levels for me. My husband to be and I talk about it. He asks me why I’m so shy but it’s because of all those things you mentioned in the article. I am not afraid to try new things with him because he has been very understanding about it. He expressed that its something he likes but that he would always consider how I’m feeling about it first. I do desire to have a lasting marriage without the intimacy hindrances. Thanks for the tips.
Ah! This was so good. Thank you for sharing the details. I agree.
So glad it was helpful, Shae! 🙂
Christians will always disagree on oral sex it seems and the same with light spanking. Because one doesn’t do something it is not uneccesarily wrong for others. My wife said she is not comforatable with oral sex so that is how it is. In the same conversation she said she is comforable with spanking. That’s how it is between us. If people thing it is wrong I can only say it is private between my wife and I.
You felt that another Christian who said oral was wrong was not correct. I feel that way when you say that porn or masturbation is wrong. On one hand you say we can be creative and free, then on the other hand you say this or that is wrong. I think you contradict yourself and just think that whatever you feel comfortable is right. And that is right. But whatever I feel comfortable with is also right, including porn or masturbation. Sex is complex. My husband has ED. I have to be even more creative than most if I want to get frisky. Every situation is different. No one can say this is right and this is wrong. I did not like your article because you did the same exact thing that the woman against oral did.
Shanon, I disagree that porn and masturbation are good for marriage. It’s not just what I believe but also the standards we must live by as Bible-believing Christians and what scientific studies have proven. Please read this post on the dangers of porn in marriage http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/03/effects-of-porn-on-your-marriage/#_a5y_p=4751143 and the dangers of masturbation in marriage http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2013/04/is-masturbation-in-marriage-wrong/ I am sorry about your husbands struggles with ED. There are better ways to work through the problem. Please read this post http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/04/ed-in-marriage/
I agree apart from the pornography which I class as mental adultery.
Porn is adultery and wrong… No matter the circumstsnce
Congrats on your YouTube channel!!! I believe as long as it’s Biblical and both people want to do it, it’s perfectly ok.
Amen Dan. And thank you.
I agree with you on oral sex. But I’m not opposed to all BDSM. People cram a lot of things under that definition, and not all are bad. Obviously, anything that causes serious pain or damage is not good and a fetish that people insist on or need in order to become aroused is very problematic. But occasionally wearing a pair of handcuffs, playing “obey the leader”, or light and playful spanking are perfectly fine ways to spice up a marriage.
Agreed. I think light spanking is a lot of fun although a lot of people would disagree. It is between you and your husband in the end and the bible of course.
You are one courageous women Ngina. I want to thank you for such a well written and freedom post. I am with you 100 percent on this topic. I have given the same counsel on this issue to young married women who are struggling with sex. It seems women are more bound up in this area then men. I only wish I had not been so bound up when I was younger. Getting older has it’s perks, one is, you know what feels good to you and you lose some of those bounds. I told my doctor who is a early 40 s women that when you reach a certain point in your life you begin to think about quality instead of quantity. She said, you have given me something to look forward to. You mind may still think quantity but your body says quality. Good job sister.
Betty, I am so glad this post resonated. Thank YOU for the encouraging words. I love your insights on quality verses quantity. It’s something to learn early for sure.
Beautiful videos, Ngina! And your beliefs on oral sex reflect mine as well. Anything that each member of the marriage finds acceptable and desirable is fine within the “marriage bed.” My mother was very much against it, but didn’t really have any good biblical reasons for why, other than it seemed disgusting to her personally. Thanks for speaking out on “sensitive” pardon the pun issues and for knocking it out of the park on your videos, girlfriend! Love the accent too! 🙂
Beth, I am glad we feel the same way. Different people hold different views (I had a flurry of email unsubscribes once this post went live!) and that’s okay. But it does come down to what is honoring to God and what the couple is okay with. I am glad you were able to grow beyond the comforts of your “family culture” (your mum)! So many people don’t and they end up frustrated and bored because they weren’t willing to break a few things in order to grow and LIVE! Thanks for your kind words. Hugs to you!
What accent?! Hey, I have a Texan accent, and it doesn’t stop me from talking. 😉 Glad you started the videos!
Aww thank you J! I am too self-conscious sometimes..its just something I need to get over! You are right..an accent is an accent! 🙂 Thank you..glad for this small step too!